Bon Jour all you followers. 

(story told by "Mr Ed Head the talking horse"

I expect that the new 2013 FOX T .V. series "MASTER CHEF" will blow all of you away with the opening  "2013 Celebrity Master Chef" season opener! Head Chef  Gordon Ramsey has chosen wisely for the new line-up with Star Celebs such as: Myself as "MR ED" (the talking horse), Alec Baldwin, Donald "The Donald" Trump,  Ani "Screamer singer" DiFranco, Jeffrey Dahmer, Bevis & Butthead,  Johnny "the Diamond" Gotti, freshly-dug up "former US President"Abe Lincoln, Lizzy "the AXE" Borden,  Martha Stewart, Elvis Presley, Mrs. Butterworth Lite, Uncle Bens,  Aretha Franklin, and the all time best R&B singer James Brown and his entire band!   Wheeew...what a hell of a competition for becoming the "NEXT CELEBRITY MASTER CHEF".

1st taping: Chaos in the Master Chef Kitchen

Ramsey speaks: "Your first assignment is fairly simple: Make a simple, fantastic EGG SANDWICH in 30 min. , plate it, and stand back. Time starts NOW"....tic tic tic as the camera films the 1/2 hour mark on the clock.

All of us run to the well stocked pantry (which BTW is stocked by WALMART) to gather what is needed for our creations, a slight scuffle occurs  when Uncle Bens and Donald Trump grab for the same ingredients, (Trump gives Uncle Ben "the DONALD eyeball look", but soon we are all shortly back at our cooking stations.

(Camera pans across the kitchen, filming various steps of each would-be Master Chef's creation.)

John Gotti  (A.k.A "Teflon Don") looked up at the clock and realized that his toaster was not working after pressing down the "toast" lever.   He then pulled out a concealed .38 special (from his $1800 suit pocket) and the loud sound of a  gun shot  filled the studio ripping a rather large "exit" hole through the side of the non-working Sunbeam Master toaster. In typical Italian Mobster fashon, he then proceded to take  the totally wrecked kitchen utencil and walked it over to Crazy Jeff Dahmers station, opened the drawer of the "in cabinet trash compactor" and hit the "compact" button 5 times to dispose of mess he just shot. I asked him later in the taping why he did such a thing, his responce to me was "only because it was not working to my liking".   Later after the taping of the show  FBI agents dug the "mangled flatened  toaster" from the compactor only to find out that he had never plegged it in to begin with........"oops"

Jeff Dahmer had a slighty "quirky" approch to the task.  He simply took a live chicken, cut its' eyes out and chopped off its' feet. (while still alive mind ya) Then he sauted the mix with garlic and butter in a pan....looked gawd-awful, but smelled fairly good, but then anything cooked with garlic smells good.

Donald Trump being the "Donald", is just a busy person.  Always on the phone shankin' and makin' deales, buying "this-n-that", wondering if NBC is going ahead with his show of not, you know...he's just a busy person.   Anyway he yacked on his phone to long until almost the full 30 minutes were up, pondering on how to even make an egg sandwich.   He  ended up by simply taking a full "raw egg"  (in the shell mind you) along with a slice of bread, a handfull of salt & pepper and hit the "down" lever on the toaster.....never did see if it ever "popped up" or not.

Alec Baldwin was sorta in the same situation as Trump, not knowing how to cook anthing, he too waited until the last minute,  then took out his "Chase Master Card" and tossed it on a clean plate.  So I guess it's true ....."Whats in your wallet ?"

Bevis & Butthead...(who BTW were at the station next to me)..."wow talk about the American education system..."poster boys"...   At first, when we were in the pantry, Bevis picked up a "cumquat" and started to poke at it with an outstretched finger "Cum you Quat" he kept saying in a soft voice.  "Look Butthead...Cum-Quat"..Butthead responded by saying "ahh ,  you said "Cum". I raised one of my eyebrows thinking  "Oh Jesus".   When the time clock began the two of them started to get into some fight smearing butter and cooking oil over each other. They were rubbing themselves all over ...hell those little bastards never washed their hands.   I said to them:  "Look damn it...I'm trying to do something here" as I stomped my hoofs loudly on the floor.   "Fuck you!... you....you...horse face"  was the responce as they continued to piss away the alloted  clock time.

Elvis Presley was in the front of the kitchen stage. I'm not exactly sure what he was doing or making.  All I could see was the smoking fog of cooking oil that had reached a high tempreture. I assume he was "deep fat frying something".

Former U. S. President Abe Lincoln still "looked stiff" after being "dead & buryed" for almost 150 years.  I guess anyone would look "stiff" after being  freshly dug up from the grave that long.  The makeup artist had a hell of a time trying to put some "'life" or "color"  back on his "grayish skin". Again, I couldn't really see  what he was making or for that matter anything anything he was even doing  (due to my distance from behind him) Plus,  his creation was never really filmed or beiefly highlighted. (Was this a FOX T.V. Exec doing?????)

Ani DiFranco (the 'lesbian, screaming counter culture singer') was stationed next to the ex-President.  She almost right from the beginning of the show started  yelling at the top of her lungs " WILL SOMEONE PLEEEEEZE COME AND SPRAY THIS OLD MUTHER FUCKER DOWN WITH FABREEZE!  I HAVE SHIT TO DO!".   (I too could smell Lincoln in the far back row as well, and agreed with DiFrancos plee in silence).

James Brown (the jolly little black guy that he is) had his entire band playing behind him as he was singing ""Wooly Bully" while dancing and flopping all about, tossing ingredients and flippin' the pan and ingredients in the air. 

Ramsey:  "Two Minutes to go...you should start plating your food."

tic tic tic.."Time's up"

Ramsey  speaks:  There will be three of you choosen to bring your dish to the front.  Two of you will be elimitated by having been choosen as "the worst" and one of you will go "back in line for round two of the competition."

"Screaming and ranting" at the top of her lungs was Ani DiFranco, next name called out was Martha Stewert and,of course, myself.

DiFranco  made "two rotten eggs  drenched in a special "yellow sauce".  

Martha Stewart made "two, soft poached" on top of some "foo-foo" cut out triangles of toasted French bread served on an original "prison-issued" paper plate with rose petals fluffed on the side, and a paper napkin folded with " ink-pen drawnings in Gang Members colors" on it's edges...."cute", I thought.

I made "straight cracked egg shells" garnished  with "silly string" spewed atop, and just "flopped" on one piece of  stale, moldy Wonderbread".    My reasoning for this was that "I had hoped that my dish looked and smelled like shit" since I prayed that I would be the first to be kicked off the show.  I did not give a shit weather I was here or not.  This was my agent's idea to get me back into the T. V. Prime Time spotlight and hopefully a 30 minute FOX T. V. show.

Stewert was the first to lay her "creation" upon the judging stand.  

cut...cut...sniff...sniff...eat...eat

"I like the use of the rose petals on the side....but, it could use a bit more salt" said Ramsey.   The other two judges (Graham & Joe) agreed with Ramsey's comment. 

Next was DiFrancos egg dish creation:. ....  cut...cut...sniff...sniff   "Disgusting. This is perhaps the worst egg dish I've ever had", cursed Chef Ramsey as he had two fingers pinching the end of his nostrils.  After DiFranco heard Ramsey's comments her eyes widened with ire and a scrunched brow followed.   The dish got passed onto Graham.  cut...cut...sniff...sniff ...his eyes to began to water as the whafting smell of "sulphury, rotten eggs" filled the judges stand and studio.

Ani was instantly pissed with Ramsey and tossed a lit match onto her creation before Graham had the forkfull of "shit" to his nose. "FUMPH" as the match barely hit the edge of her dish,  it exploded into "4 foot flames" igniting the fat bastard's  face and hair.  Trump screamed out "You're Fired". Beavish screamed "fire fire"...Butthead said "Ha ha! Dumbass".

Taping stoped at that point because Graham's "white glasses had melted to his face, plus the studio smelled like some Green Bay Packers winter "tailgate BBQ".  Apparently Ani's "special yellow sauce" was nothing but pure "high test gasoline".

I never got a judgment, but DiFranco was escorted out of the studio by L.A.P.D. kicking and  screaming "Fuck You and all you FUCKING FOX people!"

NEXT: Celebrity MASTER CHEF mystery box cook-off.

Look is there REALLY ANYONE reading this story or not?    If so, write me if you are.    I'm a busy T.V. Celeb, and it's rather hard for me to type out these stories with a stick in my mouth (since I have no fingers).