We've all seen them, it is the season when we are mostly likely to see them most. It's summer and they're everywhere... who is it you might ask? It's the elusive beautiful woman. Ok maybe they aren't that evasive. I think we as men make it hard on ourselves. I think too if it's meant to be, it'll all work out in the end?
*Hmmm is it just me
Or does every man wonder what meeting a beautiful woman must be like? I'm sure men have asked themselves that same question the world over, in every social circle. All throughout time. Even with Kings, noblemen and men from all walks of life. Actually it still happens today in all cultures even those without modern conveniences.
So I think even if I were born long, long ago nothing would really change the circumstance. I might typically awaken early in the morning, and of course living in a paradise like setting, I would be about the business of doing what one does in that kind of life, like preparing to go fishing, with my family. Maybe I would be busy sorting our nets and preparing our boats. Toiling side by side with my brother, my uncle, my cousins and our friends, and maybe I would be saying ....
Me: This is a good day
I think the gods will smile on us today
I think the gods are happy
No actually, I think the gods are ecstatic
I'm ecstatic ... aren't you?
John (my brother): Uh huh ... I'm just besides myself with joy
Me: Wow look!!! The sun is just appearing
Wow just look at that sun!!!!
Look how bright that sun is!!!!! what a day!!!!
I think it will be, as a matter of fact
I think … it is the best of days
And I just love mornings, don't you?
John: (dryly) Uh huh ... I just love mornings
Me: But isn’t this a great day ...Uncle
I mean isn't this just the best of days?
Uncle: (Busy and involved ) Hmmm, yeah I guess so... Hand me that binding, nephew ...thank you. Now come on guys we need to be out and busy already!!!!
Me: (Still distracted) Wait no, no come on my brothers, Look!!!!! Just look at today ...
( Of course no one looks up, or does anything but continue to prepare the nets and boats.)
Me: Come on guys can't you feel it
Don’t you feel alive?????
John: Actually I feel like you're never going to shut up. You artistic types are always feeling stuff. I feel this, I feel that ...
Blah, blah, blah, yammer, yammer, yammer
Me: Artistic types???? Why do I always have to be labeled as artistic, labels are so restrictive. And maybe there is more to life than fishing, getting wet, getting bitten by bugs, and getting salt water in your loincloth.
My cousin: Annnnnnd here we gooooo, what is it with you?
Come on admit it ….you just don't want to go fishing do you?
Come on admit it. Cause here we go again, so why don’t you just admit it ...
You want to invent something, or start a bugin
Me: Bugin??? It's not a bugin, it’s a business, the word is business ...I want to start a business
John: Whatever???!!! But go ahead and tell them...
What kind of bugin you want to start, tell them.
Me: Well I haven't figured out all the details ...I haven’t written my business proposal, but …..
John: No cut to the chase and just tell them ....tell them what you told me
Never mind I'll tell them. Uncle he told me that he wants to start a bugin …
Me; That's business, the word is business
John: OK, whatever but you said ...
(Exasperated he turns to my Uncle)
Uncle he said he wants to sale WATER
Uncle: Hmmmm ...OKKKKK
I don't know what a bugin is but water ...????
John: Yeah, he wants to sale water ... you know water, the stuff we're standing in up to our necks, the stuff we get for free
Cousin: Don't drink the yellow wat.......
Uncle: Shut up, ...you know what fellas, he's just like his father ...he was kinda different too. Used to drive your mother’s Mom crazy …
But I don't think it's that he doesn't want to go fishing. He just wants to catch another kinddddd of fish.
Me: What??? No I don't mind fishing ... I just think today is exceptional.
Friend: Yeah uh huh ... we know what you think is exceptional....
Everybody sings the name at the sametime: Stacyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ………
Me: Will you guy's get serious I hardly know her
Man you guys .... I just wish this was modern society and I could be a writer, or an artist and work for Pixar, or Disney maybe even be an author, yeah maybe I just wanna be a writer?
John: What in the world are you talking about, Are you really my brother? Mod urn so silas what, piccadilly who???
You said you want to be whiter? What in the world are you talking about?????
Brother do you know the old saying ...silence is golden?
Uncle: Yeah but duct tape is silver.
Everybody: Yeah boy!!!!! That's a good one!!!!!! Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver. Haaaaaa haaaaa Haaaaaa haaaaa
Cousin: Hey what's duct tape?
Uncle: I don't know.
Me: Yeah well I've got an old saying for you too family….
You can pick your friends ...but you ......can't ...pick your family.
(Then out of the blue I suddenly shout) ...OMG !!!!!!
Cousin: What ... what is it? What is it? Is it a shark, I hate sharks
Uncle: No... it's not a shark
But here comes his little "fish" Stacy
OK here's your chance
Go on say something to her
And if you're anything like your father ...
John: Yeah right fat chance .... he’s not Dad.
Not by a long shot. Sheeese he doesn't even have the nerve
Me: Heyyyy I'm not scared....
Cousin: Bet!!!!
Me: Hey seriously I'm not scared....
Uncle: OK then go ahead lover boy, go ahead and say something to her, have some babies, live a life that makes it necessary for you to go fishing like the rest of us, so you will shut up and be quiet for once in your life!!!
Me: That's not the customary speech of encouragement that elders usually gives to the young men of the tribe, is it?
Uncle: Yeah, more or less ...
I just cut to the chase.
Me: And we actually survive?
Cousin, John, Friend: Yeah that's what I was thinking too!!!! How is it that we survived?
Uncle: We survived because we usually fish, and not spend all mornings talking ...asking question about stuff, that have no answers. We usually made babies ....
Shhhh here she comes ... go ahead make her pregnant. If you're anything like your father, you'll figure it out ...
Life somehow always works out... you'll see. Trust me.
Me: For goodness sakes Uncle, you're scaring the daylights out of me. Uncle Stacy is a woman, not just a baby maker, she has feelings … she
Uncle: She is a woman, and she is waiting for a man to make our people strong, what do you know ? ?Are you a philosopher or something
John:What I wanna know is ... is he really my brother?…
Uncle: We always wondered about that too... Hmmm but never mind, right now you just do what I tell you. You will thank me later. Now go make babies, go, go, go
Me: Thank you Uncle but I think I'm going to need bail money, if I take your advice.
Uncle: Just go, the young never listen to what we say anyway ... the heart does what the heart does. Now go, go, go
Me: Okkkkk, Okkkkk , OK here I go .....
(I run over in her direction and say)
Excuse me Stacy?
Stacy: Oh hi good morning ...
Me: Hi ...I'm so surprised to see you out here so early this morning
Stcy: But we always come out here every morning. To see the fishermen off and to pray to the gods for a bountiful day of fishing
Me: Oh yeah that's right ... I guess I forgot
Stacy: This is our ritual and we've been doing it for over a hundred years, seem like you would know that?
Me: Actually I'm not quiet a hundred year old .....
Ha ha I made a joook eee, a joke. I made a joke, you said… we been doing this for a hundred years and then I said ......I’m not quiet a …hun …dred …years ….Wow your eyes are so beautiful …uh …never mind
Uncle (In the background) OMG, this is sad ... is this his idea of making babies?
John: Uncle he ain't never gettin' busy with her ... not saying stuff like that, Uncle come on tell me …he's really not my brother is he?
Cousin: I think his bugin should be birth control, he's a natural.
John: the word is business, not bugin ... business ...
Stacy: Well I have to go ... we have to run around wearing skimpy clothing and frolic around in slow motion
Me: Yeah I always wondered about that .... why do you...errrr, I mean how do you do that slow motion thing anyway? That is breaking every law of physics that I know of ...
Uncle: Holy smokes. we maybe witnessing the end of our nation ... when is he going to make her pregnant?
John: Yeah like that will ever happen!!!!!
Me: Please ignore them, but how is it that you break the laws of physics?
Stacy: Laws of Phillips ... never heard of them
But why do you do that?
Me Do what?
Stacy: that ...do you have to question everything?
Me:Yeah ... Well the thing is for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction
Lori: Do you always talk like that?
‘Cause I kinda got a thing for nerds
So do you really always talk like that?
‘Cause I like nerds
John: What in the world did she just say????????
Did she just say .... naw, she couldn’t have …. Uncle did she …????
Uncle: Yeah did she just say
That she likes nerds??????
Cousin: I just be ......
Uncle: The heart does, what the heart does ... go figure. Now, hey hurry up ... make a baby
Stacy: Is that your family, are you going to introduce me?
Me: I don't have a family ... and I don't know those people, I'm orphaned ....
Stacy: Are you sure, they seem to know you
Me: Nahhhh not me ....
Stacy: Okkkk I have to go ... we have to dance and be alluring and everything...but will you be here tomorrow?
Me: Who me????
Uncle: No I think she meant Justin Bieber ... genius
Stacy: Who is Justin Bieber?
Me: I know right????? JUST WHO IS Justin Bieber, really ... but I'm not hatin'
Stacy: Oh no I feel you on that one
Me:Word !!!
OK bye ...
Stacy: OK see you tomorrow
Me: (Returning to family after watching her walk away)
Yeahhhhhh boyyyyyy I'm all over that
John:Damn ..... damn ...damn
I don’t believe this …damn
Uncle: He's just like his Dad ... go figure.
Now let's go fish.
Me: Yes let's go fish ...
See I told you it was going to be a fantastic day.
John: Damn ... what just happened?
Me: She likes nerds, and I'm a nerd, I guess
Cousin:What's a nerd? Hey somebody, what's duct tape and what's a nerd? I have sand in m lion cloth. Did anybody bring any lotion?
John: Look!!!! They're dancing in slow motion!!!
Me: Now that's physically impossible.
Uncle: No it's a tradition ... actually. And wow it sure is a nice day.
Me: See I told you.
John: For heaven's sake will you be quiet for once?
Me: Brother Stacy does have a sister, you know.
John: Really tell me about her!!!
Me: No you said be quiet .... so I think I ought to consider your advice.
John: So now you wanna be quiet .....
Me: *****
John: Come on now, talk to me
Me: *****
John: Tony, .... Tony come on now, I was just kidding really ... what’s her name, is she out there now? Which one is she? Tony, ……Tony ….. Tonyyyyyyyyyy
Deputy Dave Jenkins sets out to find the murderer of the local high school principal, aided by a voice from the grave that is sometimes helpful and sometimes misleading.
"Murder isn't usually this funny."
Amazon reviewer
