June 20, 2013, Nashville, TN., 1:17 p.m., C.D.T.~

Dear Journal~

Johnathon here.

Sorry for not writing; just haven't really felt like it lately.  Last month was a very hard month for many of us living in America's Heartland, in terms of severe weather: two major tornadoes within two weeks of each other, over 40 people killed, hundreds injured, catastrophic damage to property and buildings.  We had some damage to our dorm, but not nearly as bad as some, but some damage is bad enough.  Right after that happened, Rebekka and I both decided to move back home to Nashville, Tennessee.

I still plan on making Meteorology my major in college, but I have decided to give up any possibility of becoming a storm chaser.  See, I lost three friends from Facebook in the El Reno (Oklahoma) tornado: Carl Young, Tim Samaras, and Tim's son, Paul were all killed when they either got caught up in a massive traffic jam or they drove right into the tornado.  I still haven't really figured out if authorities told people to get out before the tornado hit, resulting in bottleneck conditions, or if the chasers happened to unknowingly drive into the 2 mile + wide tornado.

I have since left Oklahoma behind and came back home.  I can take a lot of the same courses at Vanderbilt University (which is located near where I live) and do the courses only offered at OU (Oklahoma University) online.  While I am glad to be home (and near my family), I am very sad about leaving Oklahoma.  It's like I have failed yet again.

Seems like whatever dreams I have are crushed before they are even realized.

I don't konw why I even bother trying ...

I wanted to do so many things in my life: be a singer like my idol (Ronnie Milsap).  Be a stormchaser.  Be a writer.  Be a lawyer (until I found out that you have to "have the smarts" and know-how in order to get through law school).  Learn to drive a car.  Run.  Walk without any assistance whatsoever.  Jump.  

Now all those dreams have been shot to pieces due to my declining health and the demands it has placed upon my family, my wife, and our two live-in caregivers.

It's no wonder I no longer feel like going after my dreams because in the end, I'm going to die anyway, so why even try??  Then people wonder why I am so depressed or stressed out ...

It doesn't help that Rebekka has her own health issues that are just as severe as mine.  While she may not have a tracheotomy tube in her throat or breathe with a ventilator like I do, she can't walk without prosthetic legs (She had her legs amputated due to repeated infections and/or complications with her pain insensitivity disorder) and relies solely on her wheelchair for mobility purposes.

Rebekka has to constantly worry about hitting herself or getting a bone broken or maybe even catching the flesh-eating bug somehow (and then she probebly would die, leaving me as a widower).  I not only have my health needs to be concerned about: I also have to worry about Rebekka ... and the twin baby girls she is carrying inside of her.

I have been seeing a psychologist about my ongoing bouts of depression, but I really don't see it doing me any good.  My psychologist thinks I need to be on medication but I hate taking anything that might make me feel (or look) like a zombie, which a lot of those medications prescribed for mental illness seem to do.  I just try to handle the depression on my own.  (Dumb move, I know ... )

Well, I've just managed to make myself feel even worse, so I'll go.  I don't want to do anything but lie in bed and sleep, so I can forget my life, even if it is only for a little while.  And I don't want to bore you with my humdrum life.  You deserve better.  Bye for now!  Just pray for me ... that's all I am asking!

~Johnathon.  :(