Moderator: "I'm sorry, we cannot accept your manuscript. Your short story is too long."
Author: "I'm sorry, too. I will work to shorten it, and resubmit."
Moderator: "Your manuscript is now short enough to fit our format, however, we have noted that there are some errors that need professional editing and we suggest you get a professional editor, because we do not do editing, we only publish."
Author: "It will be expensive, but I will get an editor and resubmit."
Editor: "Thank you for the opportunity to be of service. Please note that I had to make several modifications in the characters and the plot to make the story more understandable by me."
Author: "I paid you to edit… Not rewrite to your taste! It's my story, not yours! Now I will have to go through and restore my original characters and plot. I'm running low on cash so I would like my fee returned."
Editor: "I'm sorry, but we have a no refund policy for our superior services.
Moderator: "I see that you have removed the typographical errors but we have noted that your story contains sexual innuendo which is inappropriate for our readers, we cannot accept your submission."
Author: "Okay… Okay. I understand where you're coming from, I will remove the key sexual parts of the story so that it will be watered down to your Puritan tastes and resubmit."
Moderator: I see that you have removed a significant portion of your manuscript causing the word count to drop below our minimum requirement, could you please add enough text, elaborate if you will, to bring the word count up to where it will meet our requirements?"
Author: "Sonofabitch! When I first submitted, you said the story was, 'too long.' And now, you are saying that it's too short. I will see if I can insert a few adjectives here and there to get the ten words more that you need and I will resubmit.
Moderator: "Now, now. It is totally unnecessary to use abusive language when communicating with us. We will not tolerate it. And, based on your post date, we are no longer accepting submissions for the anthology this year. We suggest that you hold your submission until we open the competition again next year. Our sincere regrets."
One year later…
Moderator: "We have received your manuscript. It meets all the necessary parameters. Unfortunately, we are no longer including that genre in our anthology. Our sincere regrets. If you have another manuscript that fits our genres, we will be most happy to accept it."
Author: "I just happen to have another story that I have written that does seem to meet all of your requirements this year. I have decided to submit that one for your consideration."
Moderator: "We have received your manuscript. Your manuscript meets all of our parameters for submission, but, upon review we find that your infantile style is nowhere in the par of our superior authors. We suggest that you join a competitive writer's group, take a college course in English with an emphasis on writing, and have some local critics review your work for you before submitting this story again. Our sincere regrets."
Author: "Shove your sincere regrets of your pompous ass!" I have a doctorate in English literature from Boston University and I've also been a Stegner Fellow at Stanford. My work as a Stegner Fellow was heralded by my teachers and fellow writers there as avant-garde, cutting-edge, and innovative. Perhaps it is your conservative, blue nose attitude and not my writing that is inferior. Who do I have to kill to get my work published?
A registered, signed receipt required, letter arrives…
Monitor: "Please be informed that a lawsuit has been filed against you for libel in the case of Short Story Review vs. Author for defamatory remarks made in public letters to our company. You'll be notified soon to make your deposition."
Newsflash! Crazed author on cross country killing spree!
"A man only known as "X" for now, an author, used his nearly maxed out credit card to buy an assault rifle and pistol near his home in San Jose and then drove nonstop across the country to Bayonne, New Jersey where he killed a man who did manuscript editing out of his home on the Internet.
"Before the police could catch up with him, X drove to Mississippi and in the offices of a firm called Short Story Review, killed several members of the staff before killing himself just as the police arrived."
A little later…
"in addition to our earlier story, our reporter has found a copy of a manuscript of the author X's autobiography in his apartment. From her brief review before the police took it away from her, she believes, that, if published, that story will easily become a bestseller."
Copyright 2016 © Ronald W. Hull
3/6/16
