People look at me and they see a seemingly normal person, a young lady who just entered her 20's, but a person who has a physical disability. They think that I am physically disabled, and that is it. But there is a side to me that most people don't even know about, and this is the side I prefer to keep hidden. It is my secret, my own private hell, my own private pain.
I have mental illness. I have depression, and I have tried to attempt suicide in the past, more than once.
I am a person who has manic-depressive disorder, and I also have bi-polar disorder. This means that my moods change frequently: one minute, I can be happy and seemingly have all things in order, and the next, I don't want to have anything to do with anybody, and I stay locked in my house, buried underneath the blankets of my bed, crying my eyes out. Nothing that anyone can say or do to me can bring me out of my "funk" whenever I am that way. I also have (or rather, DID have) suicidal tendancies. In the past, before I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour, I would have fantasies of killing myself, and at times I often tried to do just that. I would lose all control of my sanity and I would end up in the mental hospital, thanks to mom calling for help for me. Or, if I attempted suicide, I would have to be taken by ambulance to the ER and have my stomach pumped; and I would be admitted to the psycho floor for a week until my moods were straightened out. Then I would have to go straight to the mental hospital for emergency treatment.
I would be in the mental hospital at least a month; doctors would work with me, trying to get my illness under control; and several times I would be so depressed I would have to undergo shock therapy treatments, which were hell. I don't remember much during the treatments (I was knocked out..and maybe it was a good thing I was), but afterwards, I would wake up with blazing headaches, and my whole body would be sore and stiff for days afterwards; and I would be all goofy headed. But I didn't feel so depressed anymore. It was like I was in another world, and at times it was scary!
I also had to endure the actions of my roommates. Some of them were really whacked out, if you know what I mean. Some talked to imaginary people that weren't even there, some would just lie there, zoned out somewhere in La-La Land, and some were so far gone they didn't even care how they looked or even smelled. Thank God I was never the victim of another person's actions, but some of the people were violent and unpredictable, and they scared the hell out of me. I once saw a 300-pound bruiser try to choke another person (the person was disabled, and he walked with crutches) with one of the other person's crutches. He put the shaft of the crutch on the person's throat until the smaller guy started to choke and turn blue in the face; and he would have done just that hadn't the one nurse heard the commotion that was going on and zapped the heavier guy with Haldol. In just a minute's time the bruiser was on the floor, sleeping like a baby, and the smaller guy was half sitting up, trying to get his breath back. I don't know what provoked the bruiser to act out like he did to attack a smaller person incapable of defending himself, but something obviously did, and he went after the little guy and tried to physically harm him. I don't think I will ever forget it as long as I live!
To keep my mental state from reaching that point (to where I could be a danger to myself or to those around me), I am on several antidepressant drugs, and I also take pills for panic attacks. (I am prone to that, too; if I get stuck in a large crowd, and there is not much room to move around, I can't breathe, and I break out in a cold sweat.) So I try to help myself overcome my battles.
But it ISN'T easy, let me tell you! People tend to judge me anyway, based on my physical appearance (I walk with crutches due to a stroke I had at the age of 13, 7 years ago, and I talk with a noticeable "slur" to my speech), and if I tell them that I am on medication for depression, they will automatically tend to label me as a "crazed psychotic", and that will definitely keep me from getting a job. Right now, I am looking for work, but haven't had much in the way of luck. Right now, I get disability pay and SSI every month, and that is okay; but I'd rather be working, and earning my own money rather than having someone else from the government pay me.
I think one reason I am doing so well right now despite my mental illness is because of the Saving Grace and Love of Jesus Christ. I accepted Christ into my heart over a year and a half ago (it will be 2 years come this July). He has helped me deal with past issues, and for the first time in years I finally feel like I am starting to gain control of my life and my emotions. I am a much happier person than I have been in a long time (although I still DO have my "bad days"; ask Dianna; she can tell you that one day last week I had a spell of depression, and I didn't want to get out of bed!). But I am still prone to depression and panic attacks, and this is why I must take medication if I want to have some semblence of a normal life despite having mental problems.
Rovella is a beautiful woman with a cold heart whom blames herself for an unfortunate old family secret that is literally ruining her life. This secret impedes a gorgeous woman from having happiness in her childhood, and throughout her life. Dark sec
A page-turning novel about a relationship between best friends that is interrupted because of betrayal , deceit, sexual promiscuity and pregnancy happens!
A page-turning novel about a relationship between best friends that is interrupted because of betrayal , deceit, sexual promiscuity and pregnancy happens!
