Bobby Joe Bland was flush with cash when he entered Kashmir's Quick Stop to gas up shortly after leaving the South Florida Bank where he had an account that was usually overdrawn. A gambler and swindler, Bobby wasn't a very upright guy. He was accompanied by a buddy, partly for protection, Stan Striker. They made a rather odd couple with Bobby's long scraggly hair, emaciated body and pallid complexion overshadowed by Stan's shaved head, goatee, ruddy complexion and bulging muscles on his 6 foot 4 frame. But Bobby was always able to get what he needed from people and today, he needed Stan.
You see Bobby was a Hoarders' Clearance Sweepstakes winner. Flush with $5000 to be transferred into his bank account each week for life. He didn't know what to do with all that money, but he knew that he would have to pay taxes, so had instructed his benefactors to send half of the money immediately to charity to offset any taxes that he would have to pay with contributions. Not to be bothered with such things, he told them to: "Divvy the money in any way you want, I ain't particular how you do it, just that you do it for me." Kind of liked atoning for his various indiscretions and crimes with donations.
Before they got through the door of the Quick Stop, Bobby had dished out five $100 bills to two guys pumping gas. And three guys, two of them looking homeless, waiting outside the store, perhaps to smoke, perhaps not. Once inside, Bobby became even more generous, giving one woman with two kids and a grocery cart $500 so that she could "buy forward."
This easy got money was burning a hole in Bobby's pocket and he sure wanted to get rid of it as soon as he could. In fact, before they left the store he somehow managed to buy $730 worth of microwave warm-up staples and give away all of his money, including $100 that he borrowed from Stan. "I'll pay you back next week when we pick up more cash… Okay?"
Stan gave Bobby the hundred he asked for and shook his head. Bobby was want to forget to pay back what he owed. Often got him in trouble. Bobby had buddies, but no real friends. No family either. Either died or disowned him.
*****
Flashback six months to get the picture. Bobby was relaxing in his trailer in Deep Sinkhole, Florida, watching Hoarders, his favorite program, on his 30 inch flatscreen TV, when a commercial headline struck him suddenly like a lightning bolt. "Win $5000 a Week For Life!" The celebrity on-screen looking him right in the eye and telling him that he would surely win. All he had to do was go online and enter. No purchase required or needed. What could be better?
Bobby was always in need of some ready cash and off the really deep end with some loan sharks from Miami, either Jewish or Cuban, or both. They didn't mess around. Feeling the heat, Bobby felt the need, the need for a quick cash solution infusion.
Now Bobby didn't know a website from a gravesite, but he did know a guy, a Jewish nerd that somehow owed him money, that told him one time that he could hack any website. So Bobby called him up and asked for a favor.
"Isaac, do you know anything about that website, Hoarders Clearance Sweepstakes? Do you think you can hack it?"
"Piece of cake, Bobby, but I'm a little busy right now. I can show you though. Let me send you a step-by-step procedure by email that is gospel!"
"Don't stiff me, Isaac. I'll send Stan to get my ounce of flesh if you don't come through!"
"Hey man! Don't get all paranoid. That little recipe I'm sending you is foolproof. If it works, will you drop what I owe you?"
"That's the idea, Isaac. I'll be watching my email.
With the two pages of instructions that were numbskull proof, Bobby got on his ancient computer hooked up to his dial-up line and started hacking. After 10 hours of making mistakes and starting over using the step-by-step method--the damn thing worked! And Bobby had a team of corporation and military computers working hard for him jumping through all the hoops to submit sweepstakes entries in the name of Bobby Joe Bland by the thousands to Hoarders Clearance Sweepstakes before the "Daily Deadline of 12 midnight."
When Bobby saw it all working for him without him lifting a finger except to reheat another slice of pizza and crack another beer can, he set about watching Married Without Children, falling asleep halfway through.
By midnight that night, and many days thereafter, the hacked computers made several million submissions every day for two months, until some security software at the Pentagon discovered the hack, and shut it down with a good dose of Morton RX, the software fixer-upper.
It was another month before Bobby heard anything, but when he did, it was good. The registered letter said that he was already selected as a winner, but they wanted to surprise him in the best way. Gave him a telephone number to call, directly to their promotional team, headed by a woman named, Cindy.
Bobby called immediately upon getting the letter. "Hello, this is Bobby Joe Bland. I got your letter and I'm supposed to talk to a woman named Cindy."
"This is she. To verify who you are, could you please give me the code on the letter right under my name following the Re:?"
"Ahh… Let me look…" Bobby fumbled with the letter in his excitement and finally found the code number and gave it to her over the phone.
"And what's your Social Security number, date of birth and email address. This is for identifying that it's really you on the line and tax purposes."
Bobby already knew what it was for and was damn glad to give the information to her, any six ways she wanted. She sounded so sweet he was already in love with her without ever seeing her. It's a good thing she wasn't seeing him!
"I'd like to see you as soon as possible so that we can make arrangements for our celebrity 'Surprise' drop in on you and your family on Sunday before church."
"I ain't got no family and hardly never go to church."
"We'll fix that. Don't worry. When I get there… Is tomorrow okay? Say 9 am, I'll assess what we need."
"Can't wait. Do you know how to get here?"
“We have you on GPS. Shouldn't be a problem."
They both hemmed and hawed a bit about who was going to say goodbye first, but it finally got done and they both hung up. Bobby Joe let out a scream and tried to do a back flip, failing miserably and landing on last night's leftovers stuck in the carpet with his chin and nose. Crunch! Crunch!
The next morning, properly at 9 am, sharp, way too early for Bobby to get up, so he was still in his shorts that he slept in when there was a knock on the side of his trailer because the doorbell didn't work.
Bobby found his ratty old robe, slung it over his shoulders and got it barely covering him up through the gap in the front, when he opened the door to Cindy and two guys he didn't know from Adam.
Cindy was all dressed up like she was going to church or a business meeting with her jet black hair done perfectly, piercing blue eyes, as well as her makeup matching her gray pinstripe business suit with very feminine silk blouse.
Cindy's perfume preceded her entry and generally overpowered the musty old smell of neglect in Bobby's trailer house. She looked around what passed for a living room and said, "We'll have to fix this."
The first thing that Cindy did was send Bobby to a local dentist to get his teeth fixed. A whole new set of front choppers. And then, he got a whole makeover after he spent some time in a tanning booth putting some color on his face. But the best thing that Cindy did was go to a local casting company and get him a wife and two ideal kids who had worked in Disney World and on television. Very cute.
The last thing that Cindy did in the month-long preparation for the big "Reveal," was rent a model home in an upscale gated community that would be the home of Bobby and his store-bought family on that fateful Sunday morning on television. He couldn't wait. Signed all the papers and everything. Didn't know what they said, but he was guaranteed to have $2500 put in his bank account every week after that reveal. Bobby felt like a new man. Looked like it, too.
*****
That Sunday morning came quickly and Bobby and his rented family waited eagerly right behind the door of the model home as the Money Squad arrived with the loot. Actually it was a huge fake check for $5000 that Bobby couldn't cash but made for nice television promotion.
The whole idea of the sweepstakes was to get people feeling guilty about possibly winning all that money and buying all the bargains of stuff that was portrayed before every entry could be submitted. Bobby hadn't seen any of those ads and promotions because the computer worked without looking and he didn't have to either. Otherwise, he might have bought some of that crap if he thought it would look good decorating the trailer. He had such good taste.
Anyway, that special doorbell rang loudly and Bobby grabbed the door and flung it open to see his favorite celebrity that he had originally seen on TV, Cindy, and a couple of other dudes he never saw before, all smiling and holding up the fake $5000 check for the TV audience in the millions to see.
Silently, Bobby Joe Bland, in his mind's eye said, "Eat your heart out losers!" And smilingly took the check from the hands of Cindy and with his rented wife and ideal kids down front, stood there for his picture and the TV camera.
It was all over in about five minutes. Soon, when they had to a commercial, Bobby was told that the first deposit to his bank account would be the following Friday in the amount of $2500. And, good to their word, something that Bobby found hard to believe, there would be a new $2500 in the account every week for the rest of his life. And virtually no taxes. Bobby thought, I can live with that.
*****
Stan dropped Bobby off at his trailer with all of the stuff he had purchased and went on his way. Bobby was set for the next week and he reminded Stan to pick him up again a week later so he could get more cash. Pay Stan back.
The bank called and said they could set up a way for him to save and make more money with his money, but Bobby declined and told them, "You needed to F-off about my money. None of your busyness!"
That Sunday afternoon when Bobby was swilling beer and half drunk watching some sports channel halfheartedly, he heard a loud beating on his door and immediately knew who it was. Sobered him up a bit quick.
Bobby opened the door and Israel Sanchez and two other thugs with pistols clearly bulging burst in and filled the small living room with their mass. They smelled of trouble and Bobby was afraid.
Sanchez looked around wildly, waved his hands as if to dismiss what he saw and yelled, "We want our money!"
Shaking, Bobby replied, "I don't got any." Reaching for his billfold that had a couple of bucks in it but remembered then that it was in his pants in the bedroom.
Sanchez leaned over Bobby as if to give him a headbutt, his steely black eyes boring a hole in Bobby's mind like a laser. "We know different. We saw you get that five grand check on TV. Don't lie to me that you didn't get it!"
"I didn't get that check. They're only giving me $2500 a week and I spent that on Friday. Won't get any more till next Friday." All the color from the tanning booth had drained from Bobby's face.
"Let's take a ride." Israel Sanchez nodded his head towards the doorway and grabbed Bobby by his upper arm. An offer he couldn't refuse.
They drove to a nearby shopping center where one of the thugs pulled out a laptop, connected to Wi-Fi and logged into Bobby's bank account simply by twisting Bobby's arm and getting him to give them his username and password. The thug, who turned out to be as good a hacker as Isaac, set up an automatic $2500 transfer every week from Bobby's account to the Trans-Cuban Bank in Miami to a numbered account with no name attached.
They then drove to a Wendy's for dinner and drove out into The Everglades, parked the car, and walked way back in the swamp beyond even any trails. By that time it was near dusk and the alligators could be heard booming in the distance as birds flew everywhere to roost for the night.
They tied Bobby tightly to a cypress tree with hemp rope. Sanchez reassured him. "We'll be back next Friday after the transfer takes place and let you go. We will stop transferring after we have what you owe us plus interest. You understand?"
Already thinking about alligators and too scared to say anything, Bobby just shook his head, "Okay."
Sanchez and the thugs left and never returned. The alligators didn't get him, but fire ants found him and tortured him until he died of hyperventilation, hyperthermia and dehydration three days later. Eventually the hemp rope deteriorated and his bird and animal picked skeleton sunk into the swamp, never to be found.
*****
Stan and Bobby's other buddies came around occasionally to borrow money but found the trailer empty and open. Just figured that Bobby had split over the celebrity and everybody and his brother wanting some of the cash Bobby won.
After a few weeks, the bank called Treasury agents in to investigate the transfers and they were quickly shut down. Hoarders Clearance Sweepstakes were notified to stop sending money. They were not disappointed, but the charities who were to get weekly funding were.
The local sheriff got a warrant and searched Bobby's trailer, finding his wallet in the bedroom. But there was no other evidence as to where he had gone. No one was looking for him, so the case was soon closed.
Copyright 2019 © Ronald W. Hull
7/11/19
