A personal look at a man and his emotions. More recent story from my collection.
I am less than a year older than my brother Joe. Our birthdays are such that we ended up in the same grade. He was a strange kid and stranger adult. Joe was quiet kid but would seemed normal other than that to outsiders. I first notice there was something special and strange about Joe when he was in fifth grade.
The teacher was explaining the basics of algebra by giving a story about a train going two miles an hour and a duck walking on the train was going two miles an hour, how fast is the duck moving. He answered the question 3.99. The teacher marked it wrong. When I asked him why he answered the way he did he said it was correct.
I asked him to explain, he said the earth is round even on a flat surface the roundness must be accounted. Therefore the duck moving at a higher elevation independent of the train, it would be moving slightly slower than 4 miles per hour in comparison to the Earth.
I do not recall Joe spending much more than five minutes on homework. I knew he was a fast reader, but it was ninth grade did I find out how fast. We were eating lunch when four girls sat down at the other end of the table. They were discussing a book they all read when they asked us about a male character in the book.
They wanted to know why a guy would act that way. I shrugged my shoulders and Joe said he had not read the book. As he reached for one of the books, he asked, “May I?” He picked up the book and started flipping pages, one every second or so. It did not take him much more than a minute to read the entire paperback book.
Then he proceeded to explain why the character acted the way he did. He explained that he was hurt early in life that may have caused his unusual behavior. None of the girls remembered the part and called him on it. He explained, starting on the 14 page, third sentence that is the fourth, going into the fifth line. They all picked up the books, found his reference, and continued discussing the book. I noticed Carol, one of the girls, was enamored with his exhibition of intelligence and they became good friends throughout high school.
The teachers were not so enthusiastic about his intelligence. Joe was a C student. He would read the entire book at the beginning of the year and aced all the tests and homework was a waste of time. Since homework accounted for a portion of the grade, it always averaged out to a C. I was an honor roll student and worked very hard to be that way. Most teachers passed him off as a goof and ignored him because he was always so quiet.
We did have a Calculus teacher accused him of cheating. I became very angry with the teacher for even suggesting a lunatic idea. Joe who always kept his emotions lock inside only argued calmly his position by repeating all the question and answers on the test to the teacher.
The only time I remember Joe having a problem in school was a creative writing assignment. Joe did well in English but his writing was like reading instructions. The teacher reassigned the paper to him and told him to push the limits of his writing skills. The second was just as hard to read as the first but with bigger words. It had words in it that I have not come across in my 40 years of life. Even the teacher looked up some of the words, but it was still reading instructions.
The teacher asked him to write it again. Joe asked me for help on this paper, which it was strange because I went to him for help. I clarified that the paper should reflect your feeling and your thoughts on a subject. It was not enough just to explain the facts. People want to know your feelings on the subject by the words you use. I gave an example, “Her eyes were as blue as the sky.”
This gives the reader an idea about how blue her eyes are and I like her since I compared them to something that is nice to look at. I gave him several others suggestions and ideas, but mostly told him to rely on your emotions when writing. They will tell you what to say.
That night Joe sat down and wrote for the third time his creative written assignment. I wished he had shown it to me before turning into the teacher. His similes reflected who he is and they made no sense to anyone else. He was technically correct in his creativity, but it was not what you would call good analogies. It left the reader confused and wondering what he meant. This was my first real acknowledgement that he had a problem with discussing his emotions.
I was his older brother and was more physically active than he was. I played varsity football, basketball and baseball. I was not great at any of them but I was good enough to make the team. Joe like reading and figuring puzzles, mostly mental problems. He could answer the questions like if a dog was blue and a cat is yellow what color is elephant? Me, I didn’t understand the concept let alone coming up with an answer.
Our senior year a boy confronted Joe and started yelling at him. Angry outburst would shut Joe down emotionally. Before Joe could ask why the boy was upset, he punched Joe square in the face knocking him to the ground. The witnesses said Joe did nothing and the school suspended the boy for fighting.
This however created a quandary in Joe’s life he has never been able to answer. That is why the boy hit him. We talked many hours that evening as Joe tried to figure like any puzzle why did the boy hit him. Joe had trouble dealing with anger and he could not conceive anyone being so angry to hit another person. This was well outside Joe reasoning and very few things fall into that category.
Joe met me in the weight room the next day. I convinced him because Joe was so different there might be others who will do him harm and he needs to know to protect himself. Then we went to Tom’s house that has a boxing ring set up in the basement. Joe and Tom are about the same size and Tom was teaching him to box.
Like everything in Joe’s life, he quickly picked up on the concepts and got a couple good punches on Tom. However, Joe lacked the physical strength to do any harm to Tom. Joe joined a Karate class and started working out every day. I could see him get stronger as he worked out. The day after graduation Tom and Joe were mixing it up again. Joe got Tom with a right cross that had Tom saying he needed a minute.
Towards the End of July the boy who hit Joe met at McDonalds. The boy tried to seek revenge for being suspended and Joe quickly put him to the ground in an arm bar. Joe sternly asked, “Why did you hit me?” The boy just laid in silence. Joe asked several more times and never gained the answer he sought.
Just after I left for college, I heard the boy stole a car, ran from the police and crashed on a country road just outside of town. The pictures in the paper showed the pieces and parts of the Mustang scattered over an acre of land. I was feeling glad he was dead until I thought about Joe and his search for that answer.
Joe being a poor student was barely accepted at the local community college. He tested out of most of the freshman and sophomore classes. He took a sociology and psychology class with the highest level of math offered at the college.
He walked into the math class a minute late the first day. The teacher already introduced himself. The teacher had a formula on a sheet a paper three feet by ten feet. He explained to the class by the end of the quarter they might be able to answer this question.
Joe raised his hand and answered “2”. The professor said “two what.” Joe said two is the answer to your question assuming the smudge area says A over C. If it is not A/C then it is unanswerable. The professor asked if he had ever taken the class before Joe said no. Then the professor asked if he gotten the answer off someone else. Joe said no. “Did you just now figure the answer?” Joe replied yes.
The professor cancelled the class and told everyone they will continue next class. He took Joe to his office and reviewed everything again with Joe. The professor admitted it took him 6 months to create the question in graduate school with a calculator and computer. When he said they class was going to be able to answer the question, he was lying. The professor gave Joe several more problems and Joe answered them in like style.
The professor called a friend at MIT and told him about Joe. He explained how fast Joe answered the problem all with in his head. Within a week, there were representatives from MIT interviewing Joe. Joe’s entire academic life teachers ignored Joe because of his unwillingness to participate. Now MIT is offering scholarships and stipends for Joe to school there.
Joe excelled in college because attendance and homework was not a big part of the grade. For the most part, he would show up for test, get an A and move to the next class. In four years, he got his PHD in math with a bachelor’s in Economics, Finance, and Criminal Justice. He showed me his schedule for the one semester along with his graduate studies he had six under graduate classes.
During his junior year, a company was having troubles with a program and asked MIT to review it and highlight areas that needed correcting. Joe being the loner he is took one copy and the other copy went to the rest of the graduate class. They next day while the others were discussing how to divide the work up as to get the best results, Joe turned in his copy complete with notes.
Joe received the errored program as a puzzle worthy of his attention. Upon arriving home, he immediately delved into solving this riddle. He spent the whole night and most of the morning working out all the details. The company gave the MIT six weeks to find the problems. Joe did in a single night.
Companies started paying Joe for other problems. I first got word of Joe’s moneymaking ability when the FBI came to do a background check because of the sensitive material he was reviewing. MIT gave him a psych evaluation in which Joe had two weeks to study for it. After four hours with Joe, the psychiatrist literally went out for a drink afterwards.
The psychiatrist found Joe to have a keen sense of right and wrong although he suffered from alexithimia. I went to the dictionary and could not find the word. After some internet searching, I found out it is a person who cannot feel emotions and is usually lost when it comes to interpersonal relationships. This explains why, when asked him how is he feeling, you get a nonsensical answer. In the end, he got his security clearance.
Joe returned home after graduating college. MIT asked to speak at his graduation ceremony, but he skipped all together. The psychiatrist it was unimportant and meaningless to Joe to go through these exercises. Joe was at my graduation because I invited him and told him it was important to me.
We both moved back with mom and dad. As that summer neared its conclusion dad told me to find my own place to live. I mentioned Joe was living at home and dad told me Joe paid off their mortgage, he has exemption from that rule. I knew Joe was making money solve others problems, but I did not realize how much until then.
Carol and Joe started seeing each other that summer. At Christmas when Joe announced they were getting married. I was his best man the following June. Joe built a house for him and Carol.
I found a job at a local factory as a first line manager. My company opened a 401K for me and matched my contributions to the account. I found out Joe was making money in the stock market and asked where I should invest the money. Joe gave me the name of a couple good mutual funds and some electronic companies. I had great returns. The finance manager called me into his office and wanted to know where I got my investment ideas from and I told him about Joe. The company contracted Joe and he is now investing for half the people in the plant.
I wish I could say everything between Carol and Joe went as smoothly. Joe had a habit of blocking everything out to solve the puzzles presented by the companies that employed his service. After two years of marriage, Carol and Joe broke up. They remained friends. Carol confessed she could live with the occasional recluse but could not live in a marriage where love was not free flowing.
As divorces go this was very friendly. Joe insisted Carol take the house and Carol wanted Joe to have the house. They sold the house and split the proceeds fifty-fifty. Carol had a good job and refused alimony. To this day Joe still handles the finances for Carol and her new husband.
Joe put all his attentions into his work. He would day trade and solve projects for several companies. The one company got a new project manager who thought he could save some money by not sending his project through Joe. I was there the day this new project manager showed up at Joe’s door personally, offering apologies with his project that was running late.
I found out the company was paying double for Joe to solve the problem. The project manager’s boss told him to wait in his car until Joe finished his review. Joe had a spare room in his new house and offered to the young engineer. Joe woke him up in the morning gave him the project back complete with corrections. Joe showed me the check; it was for $20,000 for one night’s work.
About two years after the divorce from Carol, Joe had a new wife. Nobody knew he was dating, yet he showed up at my dinner party with Patty. This marriage only lasted six weeks. Joe was pretending to have emotions. He read some books on emotions as well as some “chick books.” Having no sense of emotion himself, it became quite clear he was faking his emotions. The stories she told are funny now but were not so at the time.
This divorce was not as pleasant as his first. She wanted everything. She claimed he fraudulently married since he did not disclose his condition to her. The judge seeing they only knew each other for a couple weeks did not believe her story and since they were married for such a short time gave a fairer decision.
Joe buried himself into work again. It might have been loneliness or just a sense of needing someone, but he went to a dating service about a year after his second divorce. The site had a money back guarantee, so Joe thought it was worth his time. The manager said it was the first time the computer did not come up with a name. The manager told Joe he would leave him in the system for a year and if anything came up, he would charge Joe at that time.
It was about six months later when a name appeared. I think everyone who knew Joe was shock to hear there might actually be someone who matched up with Joe. As it turns out it was a 75% match and the service usually likes a 90% or better match. The manager said he would not charge Joe unless they started dating, so Joe went on a date with Kathy.
I told Joe not to get nervous then remembered he does not get nervous. He met Kathy at a restaurant cross-town. As Kathy explained it, they were having a normal meal with conversation. Neither of them brought up their past, but did discuss current likes and dislikes. They were waiting on dessert when she mentioned she likes a completely honest man. This opened the door for Joe and told her of his past relationships and the reason they failed including he has no emotions. He does not want to get married.
She responded by telling Joe she has been through 3 marriages where all three of the men are now happily married to other women and she does not want to marry. She has not been able to hold down a job because she is very emotional and has trouble getting along with other people. Top it off, her apartment where she lives and works is going condo and she must move within two weeks so they can renovate. She cannot afford the same quality apartment as she is living in now.
Joe’s responded with all the sensitivity he could mustard said, “Move in with me.” First date with a total stranger and he asked her to move in with him. He explained, “My house has three sections. One side is mine with a small living/office area, bedroom and full bath. The far side is for guest, it has its own living/office area, bedroom and share it bath with the public. In between is a full kitchen and entertainment area to share.”
After seeing her blank face Joe continued, “Whatever you are paying in rent I will accept for this room and we will share cleaning of the common area. If you and I cannot get along, you can simple move out anytime you want. If something starts between us, we will worry about rent then.” It all sounded so business like.
Kathy explained, “I was completely taken back by his off the cuff proposal. I started to become upset, then though better of it. I pondered a minute or so then asked about the details of how this would work.” By the time dessert was finished she agreed to move in with a man he met for the very first time that evening. Joe took her over to his place and showed her the living arrangements and within a week, she moved in to the guest room.
Betsy and I have Joe over every Sunday for dinner. It was the very next Sunday he showed up with Kathy, who is renting the guest suite. They mostly led separate lives for the first few weeks. Joe kept his promised to live as a roommate until she thought otherwise. Joe was worse than most men are when it comes to picking up signals from women. This aggravated Kathy when she was trying to get Joe to make the first move.
They eventually started a relationship but kept the landlord-tenant living arrangement for the past ten years. At one of our Sunday night dinners recently Kathy explained she is becoming comfortable living with someone who doesn’t show emotions. My wife indicated this was incredibly inconsiderate. Kathy defended Joe and said he is very considerate. He is the most considerate man she knows.
“Every morning Joe is up first and gets her coffee ready. He does such a good job of it that two weeks ago when he was sick, I had to get my own cup and forgot how I like it. When I was having computer problems and my ACAD was not working properly, Joe bought me the latest computer with all the drives needed for such a large program. He is very considerate, he just unemotional about it.”
It was just a week ago Joe and Kathy were involved in an accident. It seems a drunk driver crossed over the yellow side swiping their car forcing them off the road into a large oak tree. Joe was unconscious when he arrived at the hospital. The doctors were worried about brain damage from possible swelling of the brain. They put him in a drug-induced coma.
After 48 hours they determined the brain swelling was minimal and took him off the medicine. It still took a day for Joe to wake up. I was visiting Joe when he woke up. The neurologist came and ran some test on him. Finally, the doctor asked him how he felt. Joe asked him about specific areas in the brain and discussed all the possible diagnosis with the doctor. The neurologist asked where he got his degree because he knew so much.
Kathy showed up at the same time as a policeman who asked Joe about the accident. Joe told everything to the officer. “I first saw the car come into my lane about 100 feet in front of me. It gave me about three quarters of a second to determine the safest maneuver. I did not want the opposing car hitting Kathy so I veered right exposing my side of the car. First contact was about 12 inches down my fender, forcing me off the road. I tried to steer around the tree but being air borne, I was unable to do that. The last thing I remember is hitting the tree. There was about a quarter second from the time we left the road to hitting the tree.”
The officer asked Joe why he didn’t veer left to avoid the driver from the other direction. Joe replied as if ordering dinner, “I could not take the chance the other driver would continue going to his left. I could not risk two lives on the drunk so I offered him up mine.”
The officer looking puzzled said, “Two lives.”
Yes,” Joe frankly stated, “Kathy and her baby.”
The whole room went silent with Joe’s revelation. Maybe the accident did injure him. Kathy appeared the most beleaguered at the news. The officer knew something was wrong by everyone’s reaction. We all stared at Joe. He emphatically repeated his statement, “Kathy is pregnant.”
Read faced Kathy muttered, “I just found out when we arrived at the hospital and the routine test came back positive.” Everyone looked at Joe again looking for one of his trademarked insights from nowhere.
Joe illuminated, “I could smell it on her. It is too early to tell if it is a boy or girl. I first noticed the smell on Betsy when she was pregnant. It changes about the third month and boys smell different from girls. The smell was faint a week ago, however this morning the odor was quite strong and unmistakable.” It was three days before but Joe had not realize it yet.
Kathy with everyone watching the soap opera play out, “What are we going to do now?”
Joe in his usually calm and to the point style as if he was giving direction to open a can of soup, “We are getting married, moving in together and have the baby. You will teach him about emotions and I will teach him about logic. We cannot mess up worse than some of the other parents out there.”
Joe had never known the feeling of love, but what he did for Kathy was the best show of love a man can give a woman and his child. I have said it and heard other men say it, “They would lay down their lives for family.” Joe is the only person I know who actually did that. Joe will be in the hospital for another couple days then there is a wedding to plan.
Such an amazing story about a wonderful man--your brother!
Shame on those teachers who didn't recognize Joe's special abilities and try to steer him in the right direction instead of trying to box his thinking.
The e-book version of Sam Vaknin's "Malignant Self - Love - Narcissism Revisited". Contains the entire text: essays, frequently asked questions and
appendices regarding pathological narcissism and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
