Short Sketch with a light hearted look at the call of an Irish Football Match overt the radio
A Short Play
GAA Live On The Air
By Paul McCann
Characters
.
Kieran
Colm
Old Woman
Scene
.
A live to air radio broadcast from Croke Park of the All Ireland Hurling Final in Dublin .
Set
. The on air studio in a commentary box where there is a mixing desk , two microphones and some recording and play back equipment .
Two radio presenters , sit side by side ,
mworking for a GAA Radio channel network .
.
Dialogue begins
.
Presenter behind a microphone
.
Kieran - " Well hello to the listeners in Ardoyne out there , from Kickem Kieran , broadcasting live from Croke Park , on your very own GAA hometown channel . We’re broadcasting to you today , the final of the All Ireland Hurling match from Croke Park and you’re all very welcome to the program “
.
A muffled sound of a struggle is heard over the airwaves . A struggle for the microphone can be heard and two voices arguing .’
.
Colm - “Will you let me talk Kieran . Don’t hog the mic “
.
Kieran- “ Take your hands of the mic Colm. You’ll get your turn . “
.
Colm - “ Hand me over that bloody microphone Kieran . Now give it to me or I'll have to hit you again . "
.
Kieran - “ Colm you've got your own microphone in front of you ."
Colm -“Oh Jeazus so I have . Sorry about that Kieran . I'm not used to doing a two man show on this live to air thing .
“Kieran - “ Now folks , yes that’s right we are live on air to you today so sit back and enjoy the craic “
Colm - “ Kieran will you turn my mic on , its that pressed green button on the desk in front of you ‘
Kieran - “I just did . Hope you’re happy now "
.
(Kieran turning the volume down on the slide control for Colman’s mic and waved his fist at Colm . Clearing his throat Kieran composed himself )
Kieran -“Welcome back again listeners . This is Kickem Kieran , begins the mic . We having a few little technical hic-up's but finally we back on air , love on your very own GAA Channel broadcasting the All Ireland hurling final today live from Croke Park .
Colm comes over and speaks through to Kieran’s mic
.
Colm - “ Yes hurley lovers this is Flying Colm here , live from Croke Park and I'd like to thank you for tuning in to the program today . My guest broadcaster on today's live show is the retired Cork hurler Kickem Kieran O'Connor who is now 60 years young and still able to broadcast live on GAA Day live to you."
.
(Kieran pushes Colm away from the mic but Colm , turns the mic off and slides up the volume on his mic and launches into a broadcast on his mic . He is physically pushing Kieran away from trying to use the mic as he’s talking .)
Colm - " This is Flying Colm coming to you live on your GAA networks and surf enough we all know that there’s only one superstar here today and we all know who that is now and I'd just like to thank you for your company on the show and on behalf of all those who know me in Ardoyne , a very warm hearted welcome to you and a special welcome to all the people from
the Marrowbone I'd also like to also thank you for joining me on the live to air broadcast of the All Ireland Hurling final and thanks to all the listeners out there who send me greetings on my FB and IG platforms . If anyone would like to send me a message I'll just give out my contact address again during the show “
.
Kieran manages to push Colm off the microphone and starts to make his commentary “
Kieran - “ He’s reading from my script , ladies and gentlemen from Ardoyne and the Bone he knows nobody there , you all know who you are and I love you all .
This is Kickem Kieran bringing you the live broadcast of the GAA channel . Cork have just scored the first goal of the game with a cracker of a shot that no barricade could keep out . “
(Colm tried to drown out Kierans voice and shouts over the top of Kierans commentary .)
Colm - " There was no goal scored , you're making it up , you’re a head case The games just about to begin ladies and gentlemen , off we go and from where I’m standing half . the crowd couldn't get in and they're lined up outside all over the place sitting on the road waiting for their seat . “
Kieran pushed Colm out the door of the commentary box while continuing his commentary
Kieran - “ The match is also being televised right across the entire globe, from Dublin to Peru in Sydney and in Timbuktu . So all of you who are watching the match on TV know the first goal was scored by Cork so don’t listen to that the language you just heard by my co-commentator who I’ve locked out of the studio , I’m the voice of the people and it’s me you’re all will listening to , live on the GAA channel today ."
(Colin still managing to scream comments out aloud from outside the studio .)
Colm - “ Yes folks this is Flying Colm from outside the studio I’ve been locked out but I will not be silenced , I’ll be bringing you todays broadcast here on the GAA Channel . It’s D-day in Dublin it’s no game of hurley it’s a war taking place between Cork and Clare and it’s a long long way from here to there if you ‘re from from Cork .“
Kieran - “ Listen to him , he’s swallowed half the blarney stone all he’s trying to do is grandstand for Clare today .,We all know there’s only one team out there today so if you’re like me a Cork fanatic , it’s just a matter of time before we lift the cup . It’s just a formality and as I ‘m talking another goal had been scored by Cork . “
Screaming from outside the studio
Colm - “ There was no goal scored . He’s making it all up folks ."
.
(Colm continued with shouts again and again , kicking the studio door and banging the vendor .raises up his arm ).
.
Kieran - Yes it’s Kickem Kieran live on the GAA Channel welcome to the show . Cork is well in front and not long to go now “
(Colm continues screaming through the concrete .)
Colm - “ It's a great game today and if you’re from Clare we all know what will happen . Let me see a show of hands come on stick up your hand . Look at that I see the entire stadium with their hands in the air . What a great response from Clare the only County here today and yes indeed I can see quite a few people I know out there . We know exactly what's going to happen . ‘
Kieran - “ Don’t be fooled , ladies and gentlemen on the airwaves I can tell you there not one finger never mind a hand in the air . Another goal for Cork , it’s a siege now happening .There can only be one outcome of this game today ."
Colm managed to smash through the door and took the microphone .
Colm - “Right now that’s , ah enough of that, with me today I have the famous Ex-Cork hurler Kickem Kieran O'Connor who had been sharing his thoughts on the game here today . “
Kieran clears his throat and in doing so has a coughing fit ,
Finally he says ,
Kieran - “Well now I admit I did get a bit carried away before the game but now we won't beat around the bush and to tell you the truth , we are in for a treat here today with Cork and Clare . So let’s get ready for today's game . Colm today reminds me of a special tree that grows in Blarney Street . I can still remember the day well when I cut off one of its limbs and I hand carved and shaped my very first hurley bat from that tree and I’m sure you have your own story to tell about Clare
“Colm - “Well I’m not one to brag but I used to play Hurley just for the honour and not for money and I built that a pub around that tree you speak of in Blarney Street , all the lads can sit there-around the tree to enjoy watching Clare best Cork today in the final at Croke Park “•
Kieran - “ Everybody knows you tried to cut that tree down when you wanted to build that pub but there was nobody would cut down that willow fairy tree so you had no choice you had to build your pub around the tree , do don’t try to mislead the audience Colm . It will be of no benefit to you or the team
from Clare here today”
Colm - “ I'm sorry it must be said that you would be feeling sad not to be out there for Cork today Kieran and you know what if you could be , even at the age you are today , you would still be better than most of them out there on the field today .
Chest out and smiling
Kieran - “ I am proud to say I still love to see a field of green and feel the touch of a hurl and a ball in my hand . Sure I'd be a happy man to be playing out there today . Don't you know I'm much too young for this commentating business and I'm still fit and I can still hit a ball to the other end of any field in any County . So as far as I'm concerned Hurley's the only game for me Colm "
Colm -“ All jokes aside Kieran . Do you think Cork have any chance today to best this great team from Clare ?"
Kieran - “Well we all know who you've put your money on today Colm and as I've already said and I already know and all of the good people from Cork will stand by me in what I say when I say there is only one team out there today and after we collect the trophy I'd like to buy everyone a drink in your pub at the tree in Blarney Street . So if you're not there then din’t say I never offered “
Colm - “ Well your cell that ladies and gentlemen , if there is a miracle and the Cork underdogs win today plant your feet with me after game inside the tree at Blarney Street where we will all celebrate the great game and the one we call hurley . Our own game ."
Kieran - " Now Colm as you know I'm a Cork man and there's no point me wasting any time hanging around after the game so if you’re looking to congratulate me , I’ll already be gone on the one road to Blarney Street “ .
Colm - “ Not that I’m trying ti steal your thunder Kieran but after Clare win the game today here in Dublin,
I'd like to invite you and any people from Cork to a Street Party I'll be organising tonight all along the Liffey side to celebrate Clare’s victory ."
Kieran - “There's nothing I like
more than a party but sure it would be more like a wake if Clare gets up today , so I don't think you will see me or any one else there to celebrate with you and if its all the same with you I’ll decline your offer ."
Suddenly Cork score a goal and Kieran leaps up knocking Colm off his seat . Kieran’s jumping for joy and in all his delight, he started doing a jig around the commentary box
Colm - “ A lucky goal for Cork breaks the ice here today at Vroke Park “
Kieran - “ Sheer genius there, that was . What a great goal . Did you see that Colm ?"
Colm - “ You just struck me with you fist . Is it trouble you're after ."
.
Kieran "The only trouble you have is that Clare are now a goal behind ."
Colm - “ That was not a goal . As far as I could see from
up here that ball didn't cross the line ."
Kieran - “Don't be daft . It was a great goal . The keeper couldn't hold the ferocity of the shot . It was in the net long before bit left the stick "
Colm -The referee must be a Cork man by the looks of it . I mean the it was Corks very first shot and it never crossed the goal line. .
Why he allowed the goal only goes to show he comes from Cork .
Kieran - “ Ah now come on . Settle down and enjoy the game."
Colm - “ Keep it up and you’ll
see what I can do to the likes of you trying to tell me what to do .
Kieran - “Anytime you want to step outside this commentary box just say the word .”
Both men got to their feet screaming and carrying on .
Colm - “What about right here and now then . Come on then ."
An old woman knocked on the door of the commentary box and went inside .
.
Old Woman - Kieran and Colm for heaven sake will you keep it keep it down and get a grip of yourselves , people listening to the game are starting to talk . "
Colm - “ Sorry Mum , but you know how Dad is about Cork .
Kieran -“ It's not my fault my love .
It’s him that son of ours and his beloved Clare as far as I’m concerned he can like it or lump it ."
Old woman - “ I’ve listened to the both of you and the problem is you're no different each time your teams play scotches and I'm the one who always has to pull you apart .
“ Right Mammy Aye , sure we did get a bit out of control there “
Kieran - “All right love , sorry about that “
Old woman , - “ To be honest , I don't really care who wins today boys . Juts as long as both of you try and get along . I know it’s hard but try to think of your listeners on the radio . “
She left the room and closed the dooe behind her .
Colm - “ Broadcasting to you live here at Croke Park . Stay tuned , here is a message from our sponsors . ( Off air he mutters )
Da , I don’t know why Mammy always gets upset. . It’s just a game , isn’t it ?"
Kieran - “ Sure enough son , I’ve asked myself that question for years now . Maybe she’s a Dublin supporter son ? "
They both have a good laugh and after the sponsors message was broadcast then went back on air in front of the microphones.
