Story of fact and fiction about how silly sometimes government are systems in order to operate the way they do
The Things They Do Down At The Bureau
By Paul McCann
Times were tough in Ardoyne during the troubles and jobs were almost non-existent apart from restoration of houses around the district and a few of the places who provided food sources such as the abattoirs , butchers and funeral parlours . A fair amount of people in Ardoyne were left with no other choice except to go down to the bureau in Corporation street and claim the dole or unemployment benefits to try and stay on top of things as best they could
One of the requirements one had to meet to obtain the unemployment benefit was to provide the Government details of five job applications that were made each week. So the newspapers advertised a number of job vacancies that didn’t exist to assist people with their for claim unemployment benefit. Even more strange was the government knew that these jobs didn’t exist but still accepted the information that was given to them in order to release the unemployment benefit to those who made the claim.
This process fulfilled the systems requirements and a kind of empathic bond of understanding was established between the department and the unemployed people concerned. A kind of justification arose in these desperate times where illusion had become a way of life but if you looked through the smoke at all the mirrors you could see how silly democracy really was but every week people applied for jobs that didn’t exist to get their dole .
Even more crazy that that was I knew a few people who actually applied for a job that didn’t exist and got an interview for one of those positions.
Jacky Fahey applied for an the position that was advertised as a social scammer for the DHSS and to accompany his application he gave a list of his friend’s names and phone numbers as personal references as well as printing off a fabricated diploma certificate as a level 1 social scammer from an on line University he had invented as well as that he provided two hand written references he had done himself with bogus names of managers of made up company names who confirming his experience and diligence as a level 1 social scammer. Jacky was amazed that he was contacted by someone from DHSS for an interview . So on the day of the interview he got up early and spent time getting dressed up for the interview and had a cup of tea and toast before heading off to get a taxi at the top of Ladbrook . There was another girl in the taxi as they headed off down town .
The well dressed lady smiled and took a hairbrush from her bag and brushed her hair .
Jacky said
‘You look like you’re going to a job interview.”
“Yeah I am actually. What about you.”
Jacky said.
“The same.”
She looked intrigued and said,
“ What kind of job are you going for? “
Jacky replied.
“Well it’s a social scammer’s position for the DHSS . ”
She checked watch and said.
“Oh right. That sounds interesting. ”
“I’ve no idea.to tell you the truth . Never done anything like that before . what sort of of work do you do?” Said Jacky lighting up a smoke and she did the same and said. .
“Oh me I’m a line stretcher and stitch catcher.”
.
Jacko asked
“What kind of job is that.”?
She smiled and said.
“I’ve no idea . I made it up . Just saw an advert in the paper and went for it .’
They both had a laugh They got out of the taxi and went on their way for their interview . Jacky went straight to the bureau office and spoke to someone there who gave him directions where he had to go . The interview was being held in a separate building . When Jacky got there he was told to take a seat and wait until his name was called ,k short while, a door opened and Jacko was called.
“Mr Fahey.. Would you come this way please.”
Said the man who came through another door Jacko followed him into a room and was asked to sit down in front of a large desk where a woman sat and the man sat down beside her to begin the interview. They both had notepads and pens in their hand and put them down as they reached out to shake Jacko’s hand.
“Well Mr Fahey. Thank you for coming for the interview.”
Said the first person .
“No problem , thanks for asking me to come .”
Jacko replied.
The woman said.
“We all have a few questions for you.”
“Ok, fire away. “
”Why did you become a social scammer?
Jacky replied
“Nothing better to do I guess . I was interested in a job with Lindsays as a line stretcher and a stitch catcher but it was actually one of my work colleagues who said to me that she thought I’d make a good social scammer. So I looked into that line of work and enrolled in a course in social scamming. After I graduated I began work as a social scammer for a firm in our local area.”
The man asked,
“What skills can you bring into our organization?
“I am a highly trained and skilled as a scammer and can adapt to any situation without a moments hesitation.”
Jacky replied and the man continued.
“If you are successful in getting the position ,when can you start work?
Jacky replied
“Well immediately . however I’d like to make you aware that I have two other offers at present. So it all depends on the hourly rate and the benefits you can offer before I make a decision .”
The woman asked,
“What do you think about government departments?
Jacko replied.
“I never had any worry about our government so long as the pay is good ”
The interviewers . began talking together in sequence as if it was rehearsed from a script
“Recently we created two positions and advertised them in the local papers .We made up the positions for a laugh jujuist to see what would hap[pen .wo jobs were for a social scammer and a line stretcher and stitch catcher ..”
The other continued
“ There were two people we wanted to speak to. About these positions”
“These jobs are real positions but their descriptions are lets say a bit strange . However we would like to employ two people to work as an interviewers to conduct interviews for jobs that don’t exist which might seem like a waste of time but there is a reason why we have to go ahead with this procedure .”
Jacko looked a little lost but he saw the funny side of it all and began to laugh. Then he said,
“Why its all right with me even though it doesn’t make any sense”
The man said ,
“We need to provide the facts and figures on paperwork to satisfy the system.
Your job if you accept it, is to provide names and details of people who you interview for jobs that don’t exist. Now what do you say Mr Fahey. Are you going to be our social scammer at the DHSS?”
Jacko replied
“What’s the pay like?”
‘Better than unemployment benefits.”
Jacko said.
“Ok. Right then, when do I start.”
The woman replied
“Immediately. “
The other interviewer continued ,
“Oh and if you mention a word of this to anybody, we will deny this interview ever took place. Now come around and sit behind the desk because its time for you to conduct your first interview.”
They all left the room apart from Jacky and after a moment or two there was a knock upon the door.
“Come in.”
Jacko said.
In walked the girl he had met earlier in the taxi .
“Well hello again.”
She said and Jacko offered her a seat and said ,
“You’ve come for the job as a line stretcher and stitch catcher ?”
“Yes , that’s right ."
She replied and Jacko said ,
"Its our lucky day . You’re hired .“
Then he gave he a run down of the job description
The Wholly Book of Genesis is a humorous satire on the first book of the Old Testament where the Story of Creation, the building of Noah's Ark, Sodom and Gomorrah and the families of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob are thoroughly spoofed and broadsided.
