My Lady

I take it as a great privilege that you allow one so humble to write to you.

Now that you are a member of the upper class, hob knobbing with the rich and famous in the Million Pound homes, may I be allowed to congratulate you for your promotion from working class to upper class in such a short space of time?

I take it that Lord Byron should bow before you, or is it after you? Being a lowly Yorkshire lad, I am not too sure on the etiquette of the snobs; I mean knobs, sorry spelling error.  I am not used to writing to someone so distinguished or is it privileged?  What term is used when writing to someone in such high quarters?

I hope I used the correct term in calling you "My Lady"?  Or should it be "Your Majesty"?  I had always known that you were deemed for high places when I saw you on the top of the "Cow and Calf."

No ma'am, I'm not calling you a cow, it's merely a figure of speech.  I meant that I always knew that you had royal blood in your veins.  No ma'am I'm not saying you are "vain" I spelt it "vein" which runs through your body.

Ma'am, I'm surprised at your audacity too!  I never said I wanted your body!  I stated that you have a lovely body, I mean you look exquisite, ma'am why are you tearing at my clothes?

Unhand me lady! I did not state anything of the kind; I think you need a hearing aid!  No ma'am (Blimey!) I didn't say you have aids, I said I'd love to give you one!

Sorry my lord, I was merely informing your lady that she has a beautiful interior design and how I felt privileged in her wanting me to get to know her better.  No my lord I swear I never touched her, I merely said how she had a lovely exterior and when she tried to rip off my clothes, I informed her that she had an aid problem and she started on me.

No my lord she hasn't got aids!  Well I don't know her as well as you do my lord, I'm merely guessing that someone so lovely wouldn't...  My lord!  I am not a carrier of bad news!  I've never touched her and I don't know why she is crying, maybe you could answer the same question?  No my lord I'm not saying that you have a disease; I'm trying to explain that you should see it from my point of view!

No sir, no my lord I was not trying to get a peek at your good lady's boobs, I do not have a good view of them, no sir I don't want to get a better view, In fact I don't want to see them at all!  No sire, I don't think that your wife is ugly, and I think she has wonderful boobs, no sire I've never seen them at all!  I am guessing that they must be good on someone so genteel, no my lord, "Genteel" not "gentile". You have my word as a gentleman sire that I wouldn't touch your good lady with a barge pole!

Why?

Well I guess I could touch her with a pole, but I don't do that sort of... No sire I don't want your wife, I think you deserve her more than... No sire I think you have a beautiful wife and I would be honoured to take her off your hands while you are... No sire I meant she deserves better... No sire I didn't mean you weren't good enough; you didn't let me finish my sentence.

I was going to say that she deserves better than I, but now I take a closer look, I see that I can maybe do something with this young voluptuous filly. No sire I said where I live, part of it is hilly.

Hmm, yes I think she would do well down on my estate.  No sire I did not say she looked a state.  Yes I would like to get my hands on...  No sire, I mean I don't fancy her at all; she is not my type.  No sire you are not my type either.  No sire I don't think you are ugly...

Oh no here we go again!

Mike Coatesworth