I slid to a stop as I finished my performance knowing deep down in my heart that dreams are what drive me forward in life. Dreams which are all achievable in my mind, even the ones that many think are nearly impossible. All you need is to believe in yourself and no one else. If you dream of being a teacher, a scientist, a doctor, an astronaut, a musician, or anything your heart is set on, all you need is to…believe. There were still however, some dreams left unfinished and I was still determined to see to it that they too became a reality.
I stood in the center of the ice for what seemed an eternity, my breathing slowed as I caught my breath with my arms high in the air as everyone in the audience sat motionless in their seats.
As if a pop went off under each chair, they all jumped to their feet, cheering, screaming and whistling at the tops of their lungs. Lights flashed all around me within the wild crowd, looking to me like thousands of strobe lights flashing. But I knew what they were…cameras.
“Amber, you’re awesome… Amber I love you!” I heard people scream.
They all knew to some degree what I have done and what I have achieved. A dream I had which was created with a little help from my father. Something that nobody believed was possible, something new, and something that would be around for years to come. That was why they were all here in the first place, but they didn’t know the whole, complete story of the impossible that went with it.
My husband, the person I saw running across the ice to meet me was reading my expression as he neared. He smiled as he grasped me around my waist, yanking me off the ice and spinning me in the air with only my toe pick scraping lightly against the surface of the ice. He held me close in a loving embrace. “I love you,” he whispered into my ear. I couldn’t reciprocate and tell him that I loved him back because I forgot how to speak as it sank in deeper that I had just achieved the impossible, and the dream handed to me by those so dear to me. The dream I gracefully accepted without question.
He placed me gently back onto my feet only to find me crumbling to the ice as my knees gave way. I sat on the ice with both legs to one side, holding myself up with my right arm which trembled with the rest of my body. I covered my face with my free hand as I began to sob, tears trickling down my cheeks.
Everyone went suddenly quiet. The crowd had no clue why I was acting the way I did, sliding onto the icy floor like that. Maybe they thought I was injured or something along those lines as I sat on the cold ice unmoved.
My husband knelt on the ice next to me, bringing his face closer to mine but I didn’t look up. He couldn’t tell what I was thinking by the way my hand and my hair covered most of my face. The only thing he could see was my lips held tightly together in a straight line.
He watched thoughtfully and eagerly before grabbing the sides of my face with his gentle soft hands and lifted my head up so he could glare into my glistening eyes, attempting to read my thoughts through my expression. I examined his face as he did so; from his tan complexion, his brown eyes, his brown hair spiked in the front and his lips.
I'm happy to know that he was able to read my thoughts and my expressions. To me it felt like we were more tightly bonded together. Knowing that the one that truly loved me knew more about me than anyone else even, myself.
He himself was the only person who understood what I have gone through and knew what I have done to be where I am today. A part of my family and friends that I had left behind only stood by, accepting what I wanted and did, not by their own good graces but only because they didn’t want to lose me. My husband was the only one who accepted me, loved me for who I am and what I wanted to do. He didn’t hold me back. He always stood next to me with my hand in his as he led me forward even when everything and everybody pushed me back even, myself. He also knew what I had done for him and in return he loved me even more. He helped me through all the sacrifices I had made, the treacherous mountains I had climbed, the bonds that were created, friendships that were shattered and family ties that were broken. He picked me up when I had fallen and pushed me forward when I so desperately wanted to retreat and he never gave up on me when I gave up on him. He embraced me when I needed him to; he was my shoulder to cry on, my hope and my future. And for that I loved him endlessly.
I knew I was his by the way he was around me, how he saw me and I knew I was the only one that he would ever let close enough to touch his heart…his soul. I had only one person to thank for all the happiness that I had right now, who had led me to my husband. That person was my father.
His fingers rubbed gently against my cheeks as he smiled and kissed my forehead before saying, “You did great…you did it,” he grinned.
When I fell to my knees I thought it was because I was so happy my body couldn’t handle my weight, but I was wrong.
My heart raced inside my chest and my body trembled as I listened closely, trying my hardest to tune out all the noise that still erupted all around me. I shook my head, my eyes staring into his while tears gushed out blurring my vision. I whispered loud enough for him to hear, “No.”
My husband understood what I meant because he quickly wrapped his arms tightly around me, pulling me close, holding me as if he was afraid I was going to disappear. It was something I contemplated but knew I couldn’t do. I couldn’t leave him alone, not now, not again. We needed each other more than ever.
I closed my eyes and buried my face into his shoulder and listened, hoping what I felt in my gut would turn out to be wrong.
I felt his head move from side to side, “He’s not here,” he said, confirming my nightmare. My left hand gripping tightly to his sweater as I clung on, ignoring the pain that erupted up my arm as I finally realized that what I have been seeking hadn’t come true as I thought it did. I thought this was it, this had to work. Apparently it still wasn’t enough.
I tried my hardest to find myself, my way in life once again, and my own respect. All the time I thought I had, I was happy again.
“I have failed,” I whispered closing my eyes unable to bear witness to the pain that I was causing him which he eagerly wanted to share. I cleared my mind, rested my head on his shoulder feeling his soft sweater against my cheek. I clung tightly to him not wanting him to leave as I thought back to where this all began, when one path ended and a new began. Trying to remember where I went wrong.
I remembered back five years, six months and a few days-right before my eighteenth birthday on September the eighteenth when the path I was on came to abrupt end, when I lost myself, when my dreams shattered into a million pieces, scattering everywhere as they hit the floor.
