Featuring a nice mix of real life humorous stories, spoof satirical material, and some just plain silly stuff. This is a great FREE introduction to new comedy writer Paul's work. The author is influenced by UK comedian's Spike Milligan, Michael Bentine & Tony Hancock whilst retaining his own unique writing style! So if English humour is your thing worth a peep at.
Excerpt
From..................'Global Warming-for real Dummies/ Current Affairs/Science 2016'
Fracking.............
Fracking has been carried out all over the world with no ill effects so far; So far is the operative phrase. The scientific bods say drilling bloody great holes in the ground shoving pipes and what not filled with high pressure water and sucking out the gas is harmless to the environment. Some how or other all this deep below ground ( in other words out of sight out of mind) poking around all settles down on its own, making a natural adjustment to the intrusion.
Most people are worried about pollution of the rivers and water supply from the chemicals used in the process. Because this has not been done on such a scale before no one can be certain as to the effects on the structure of the subterranean stuff below- subterranean stuff below is as scientific as I am going to get at this point. However, in twenty years time when huge areas of the landscape disappear or drop ten or twenty feet as a consequence I am sure things living on the surface, or what used to be the surface will make an equally natural adjustment, as will the people living in their new environment, where the ground could disappear from under you at any moment- trees in the back garden go from forty feet to ten overnight and the entire landscape looks like it has been attacked by an infestation of giant moles.
Please dear reader don't worry this is mere flippant fiction. I am sure we can all sleep peacefully in our beds at night in the Fracking regions until some underground fissure opens up and catapults both you and the bed through the ceiling that is.....! As for the earth quakes these are a naturally occurring phenomenon, I know you never used to have them before, but they are only small 'itsy bitsy' ones aren't they?
How to Become a Successful Author
'Stephen King -JK Rowlings William Shakespear- YOU! '
Stage 1 'Write a book!' You've been working on your master piece using all the cognitive powers you can muster. Having turned to the brain stimulating, intellect boosting herbal medications in a last ditch effort to squeeze all you can from your now exhausted mind- your body has now diverted 99% of its blood supply and oxygen to your brain, you are hardly able to physically move, all your other body systems are now struggling to function but thank God your fingers can still type to complete the task. Do these herb things really work... yes they do actually I've been using Ginkgo Biloba and it does seem to have a very strange effect on my thought processes they do seem faster - can't you tell............
Now it's finished, sixty thousand words of blood sweat and tear stained manuscript waiting to be unleashed on the unsuspecting world! Your heart flutters with excitement, partly from the thrill of it all, but mostly from having to pump all this extra blood upwards. It's time to gather your thoughts and proceed to stage 2. what do I do with this wonderful creation.
Stage 2. You could try a book publisher, there are lots advertising for new books on the internet.
I will tell you from personal experience what will happen- If you are lucky the book people will like your initial submissions and send you a very encouraging email asking for the full manuscript which will be passed on to the book board/panel whatever that is. You will be told this takes up to six weeks.
Next you will receive an email saying the book board/panel didn't like your book. They liked it to start with but now they don't, why? Sorry, this is standard procedure for all books submitted by sad desperate individual authors?
So how do I get a deal? Easy, you hire a slick money grasping corrupt Book Agent who could sell sand to the Arabs, get offered a percentage so low you would need to sell five million copies to earn a living, and kiss their backside for the privilege. Oh dear...
Stage 3. Self Publish why not? Your Mum thinks you are a genius of an Author and the family legend is she read a book once, so have faith. The brain operation you need to repair all the damaged arteries blown apart by all the cognitive enhancing herbal medications is going to cost a fortune so you need to do something.
It's best to self publish an eBook first and see how you get on. Unfortunately there are now probably more people publishing eBooks than there are people who read them, which is a bit awkward.
Be warned. Do not rely on your friends or family to support your book writing efforts, and never your pretend Face Book friends. They would show more interest in an unusual bug they have found under a rock in the park than your book- Trust me on this.
A Serious Bit- yes really!
Get a few people to read your book and give you a serious honest opinion, re- edit if you need to. Make it work for the reader. If you are serious you need a promotional budget of some kind to get things moving a bit. Face Book and Google Ads are not cost effective- flyers are good.....
The best of luck. How's my book doing ha ha ha! same as yours....?
' How To Become a Successful Author' from my forthcoming 'How To' Series
Other books in the series include:
How To End All Wars- How To Turn Lead Into Gold- How To Find A Much Younger Spouse
How To Find The Secret Of Eternal Life (part1)
Currently at the research Stage- contributions welcome ASAP
DOWNLOAD THE BOOK FOR FREE TO READ MORE............ Available in all eBook formats...........
