When I auditioned by accident to go out and entertain troops in Iraq and Afghanistan...in a tutu!
I'm the only act of its kind ever taken out to the warzones to raise morale. From a private performance for Her Majesty, through losing a tutu in a rocket attack, to being made HBFPCSB: Honorary Britisher Fairy Princess Southern Belle.
Excerpt
In the first six minutes of my set (my first onstage in Iraq) I got a big laugh with: ‘Thumbs flat on my
floating ribs, please, Colonel – this is ballet, not S&M.’
Also, a shout of ‘Bloody hell!’ and long applause for the 32 pirouettes. Before something kicked off at the back of the venue.
Stacks, our Royal Marine liaison, spluttering and swearing, was being propelled to the stage in a
melee of Marines. He later said that he allowed his fellow Marines to throw him
to me as really fighting back would have caused carnage.
‘Here you go, sweetheart. Present for you! Wants to join in nicely.’
There was silence in the venue. Stacks stood at ease watching me. I didn’t realise that standing at ease meant that a Marine was respectfully waiting. And I still don’t know what he was waiting for. Prodding at his pecs, I asked, ‘Are our muscles for use in warfare, or are they just for gay display?’
Out front, like a mechanic who’s been asked for his thoughts on a clicking
noise behind the glove box, they extravagantly sucked in air. Stacks grabbed me around the floating ribs and upended me. They cheered.
On my way tittuping chin first down Stacks’s arse and legs to be laid out
on the stage, I saw Nicky check in with Ian. Ian stood up. Colonel Melton made
a ‘hold fast’ gesture at him.
Kneeling over me Stacks hissed, ‘Where’s your zip?’
Reaching for it myself wasn’t, on balance, clever. He got to it first.
‘Stacks, no!’ I shouted up from beneath his hamstrings.
‘Not so fucking lippy now, are we, princess?’
He started unzipping the tutu.
‘Stacks – don’t seek, you may find.’
He thought about it, then picked me up off the floor, slung me over his
shoulder and set off running.
‘Belay!’ Backing up a few steps, he hunkered down. ‘Your body armour.’
I picked it up.
‘Para?’ Sam, mouth open, handed me my helmet.
Past the ablutions, along the wire, across the now-deserted five-a-side
pitch. A line of sun through the mountains was all that remained of daylight. Stacks muttering the whole way.
‘My lot weren’t meant to be here. The fucks. But they saw the CSE poster
with you in your fluffy outfit on it. And expecting Royal Marines to stay away
from a bit of drag is like expecting a politician to go for a colonic and not get a doggy bag.’
He tipped me off his shoulder and onto a tank.
‘But that’s no excuse,’ he shouted up at me. ‘This’ – he pointed – ‘is the
Naughty Tank. But you’re not staying up there for a minute for every year of
your life – talking of which, put your body armour and helmet on, please. No,
you can get down again when you’ve sung “Tom Bowling”, like on Victory.’
‘What, even with my kryptonite lungs?’
‘Sing or stay up there. Your choice.’
‘Here, a sheer hulk, lies poor Tom Bowling, The darling of our crew No
more he’ll hear the tempest howling For Death has broached him to...’ I sang.
‘Can’t get down. Stacks! I sang, didn’t I? Don’t just walk off!’
Professional Reviews
Found Him Really Funny so was Curious ***** Amazon.co.uk
I got to this book from hearing the author on Saturday Live, Radio 4. Found him really funny so was curious. He is a really comic narrator and makes clear to us the jeopardy of taking out an act like that to Iraq and Afghanistan - drag ballerina, not what you often see anywhere, let alone out there. He tells the squaddies' stories more than his own. Rare for a performer. I got an insight into their lives out there, conditions - and on the way heard a marine on the front line's thoughts on why war will always be ongoing. Really recommend it.
Very Funny and Highly Recommended. ***** Amazon.co.uk
This is a book unlike any other, of a story unlike any other. Totally mad, very funny and highly recommended.
My Tutu is Too Too Good ***** Amazon.co.uk
A great book and story from a blossoming writing talent. Some laugh out loud moments that made feel part of Iestyn's world. His humour was brought to my attention from his Saturday Live interview on Radio 4 and I am very glad to have tuned in that day. Well worth a read.
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