Follow my on my journey from addiction, suicide attempt and depression to being Well. This is a unique book because it used to be one of my scrapbooks.
The bonds of sleep slowly slid off my body, and I could finally stretch out my legs. I yawned and rubbed my eyes. My morning breath was awful. The strong smell of alcohol hit my nostrils, and the heat of anger flooded my body. I was alive! Damnit! I was still alive! WHY! My 12 page suicide note was still attached to the bedroom door. The empty Klonopin bottle was still on the nightstand. A ½ liter of 100 proof liquor sat on the floor. The other half I had used to wash the pills down. I should be dead.
DAMN! I kept saying in my head. I don’t usually swear, but I figured I already tried to kill myself, so to hell with it.
I pickled my brain in a bath of 100 proof alcohol which I secretly drank daily for about two years. In my desperation for relief, I’d followed the advice of an internet stranger who recommended alcohol to take away the vertigo. Yes. One shot did. But soon one shot wasn’t enough. I needed two, then more and more. The escape was glorious. Soon, instead of just using it for vertigo, I was using all the time just to escape my illness, my reality, my depression, and the struggle I was having for identity, feelings of failure, and utter loneliness.
It wasn’t just the alcohol, either. I had figured out ways of getting my hands on prescription pain pills. They also took away the vertigo, but even better, they numbed everything. Oh, I was such a mess! That is exactly where really bad coping strategies can land you, given enough time and energy. Limited solutions, taken to their extreme, took me to a hopeless destination -- The End. The end of myself.
I was filled to the brim with anger that I was still alive. I was still here. I was still sick. I was still useless. I was still a burden. I was still without hope. I was still lost. I was still helpless. Still…
My story didn’t end here. In fact today I say , “I am well.” My memoir, Well, chronicles my journey toward healing. When I came home from treatment, I started pouring over old journals and found entries where I sought forgiveness, healing and deliverance. I gathered them up into a scrapbook. I also added original artwork telling my story through the end of a paintbrush. I dug through my blog, and gathered essays into the scrapbook too. I realized this scrapbook had become something. It had become a vulnerable and raw memoir telling a story of hope.
Depression and addiction are often taboo topics in the church. However, Christians are just as susceptible to depression and addiction as any other social group. Christians who suffer from these afflictions often don’t seek help because of shame and fear of alienation. For a depressed Christian or a Christ follower with an addiction, seeking help feels like shining a spotlight into their spiritual life and highlighting a failure as a Christian.
There are many hurting Christians in desperate need of help, and it is common to feel like you have nowhere to turn. I am very passionate about this topic because I am one of those Christians. I live with depression, and I’m in recovery for addiction and attempted suicide. I also have a chronic illness. I pray daily that my story of survival can help someone survive as well.
Excerpt
Stripped Away
I will never forget the day of the strip search in the psychiatric hospital. The nurses had walked into one of the common areas and smelled cigarette smoke. Cigarettes are contraband, and someone had snuck some in.
The nurses began searching our rooms. When they found nothing there, they resorted to searching our bodies. They already had a suspicion who the culprit was so, they began with the men. The men were taken to another room where they were stripped and searched. No evidence was found on the men. It now became the women's turn to be strip searched.
Before the search was complete, the man who had the contraband confessed. Normally, you would expect a room of ten women stripped down to their underwear to be extremely angry with this man. Instead, what he received from us was immediate forgiveness.
We were all in this struggle of addiction and depression together. We were all hanging on by threads. We all had our humanity laid bare. When he asked for forgiveness, we were ready to forgive because all of us knew we needed forgiveness ourselves.
Every one of us was struggling with his or her identity. We only knew that we were raw and broken people. The jig was up on the pretense of trying to project an ideal self. There was something refreshing about your authentic identity being laid bare.
My identity was stripped from me because I based it on the wrong things, like my job and accomplishments. I even based my identity on opinions of people who said they see “XYZ” in me. So, I decided I was “XYZ.” This skewed my judgment of the real me. I think there are many people for whom a major trial becomes an identity strip search.
Professional Reviews
Endorsement Dr. Samuel J. Blakely
I had the privilege to read the book Well, a memoir by Alias in Town, and being a pastor of some fifty
years, I was truly impressed with the author's face value honesty. Courageously she opened her
heart and soul, revealing to family and friends secrets hidden so deeply within.
Her deep devotion to the truth, exposing herself to others with the same addictions, chronic illnesses,
and pain, reminds me of these words of Jesus when He tells us, "And you shall know the truth, and
the truth shall make you free." John 8:32
Whether we are dealing with sickness, disease, addictions, or sin, truth is not only the best policy, it's
the only policy.
The exposure of herself to those who read and heed may well be the soothing balm of Gilead that
produces the healing they need from the anguish of pain and suffering.”
Samuel J. Blakely, ThD
Testimonial
Well is a testament to the courage of a strong woman who has allowed God to be her Shepherd “even though she
walked through the valley of the shadow of death.” Words that describe Anita, Creativity. Compassion, Giftedness,
Courage, Determination, and Acceptance.
I wonder sometimes if God chuckles at our ideas of what we think He should do through us or others; He says. “For
I know the plans I have for you…plans to give you hope and a future.” God sees Anita’s amazing giftedness and
creativity and is using it in ways that neither she nor I would have imagined 30 years ago when we met.
Since I’ve known the her, I’ve observed how she is one of those people who captivates you immediately. Her huge
grin and ability to make you feel like the most interesting person in the world, have always been true.
Some of my favorite moments were on the stage in rehearsal with the worship team. We were either laughing or
had tears streaming down our faces, as we sang harmonies together. She has this amazing vision for meaningful
ways to make worship more impacting. That is just one example of her creativity. I learned never to be surprised
by her creativity in all areas of life. We might be invited to a beach party in her home in the middle of winter,
complete with filled kiddie pools and a sandy beach area.
When the illness came, the vertigo was brutal, but we all assumed it was temporary, as statistics showed it
probably would be. As the months of illness became years, the hope became fragile and the light dimmed in Anita’s
eyes.
The feelings of watching a friend go through something so terrible made me feel alternately sad, and angry. How
can God want someone, who has such potential for good and impact, be stripped of her gifted abilities? I ached with
frustration at not being able to help, fix, or make anything better.
The easy path for her would be to continue to escape through the alcohol and medications. They eased the
suffering, even as they created pain for those around her. My precious friend chose to take the challenging path.
She was determined to love her family and trust God her physicians and counselors. They helped her find a way to
cope with the suffering.
This story is one of hope. Even in our darkness, when our suffering doesn’t make sense, we are not alone. When we
feel that the world would be a better place without us, the story is bigger than we can see. Anita Wilson is living
this story and allowing us to share the journey. Be encouraged by the hope.
Julie Shomo, RN
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