If You Really Loved Me, You'd Take Out The Garbage is about a klutzy wife who decides to get even with her cheating husband. Hilarious to the last page.
Lillian, a gorgeous 35-year-old redhead, suburban housewife, and renowned klutz, is the last to know that her marriage is over. Her husband, Fred, is a skirt-chasing tyrant and Lillian--who is bored to tears tending her home and family--gets herself a job at the small law firm of Galluchi, Galluchi, and Schwartz.
This decision starts Lillian off on the road from one madcap adventure to another.
Like the time she joins a client to discuss business over dinner, only to be plied with a meal that's drenched in wine and liquor, then lured up to his hotel room. On another evening, Lillian is dashing out of the Waldorf Astoria Hotel during a fire alarm, wearing nothing more than a towel. If it isn't liquor or fires, we see Lillian jumping out of an exploding yacht into the chilly Husdon River.
As Lillian's klutziness keeps getting her into one mess after another, she finally comes to the realization that there's more to life than an unhappy marriage and more to living than the line-up of Tuesday and Friday garbage cans, or men with one-track minds and third-rate jobs.
Lillian is finally off on the fast track, to a life that's entirely her own.
Excerpt
“That’s good.” Lillian tried to keep from weaving, even though Ken’s
arm was holding her tightly around her waist.
Still hanging onto her, Ken reached over and flipped on the light
switch of one small lamp. Lillian gasped as the big king-size bed filled her vision. She pulled free from him and staggered to the door. Ken quickly
grabbed her arm, turned her around and immediately swept her into his
arms and started kissing her.
Lillian was overwhelmed. He kissed her hungrily, devouring her lips, his
tongue forcing its way into her mouth. She swooned into his mouth, growing
weaker by the moment. His hands stroked her back and slid down to caress her rounded backside, then pulled her firmly against his hardness. One of his hands moved up her back again and started to slowly pull down her zipper.
The sound of the zipper seemed to edge Lillian out of her stupor and
with a sudden surge of strength she managed to shove him away. Gasping
for breath, with a tone as matter-of-factly as she could muster, she said, “I thought you were going to show me something!”
“My, my. You really are an impatient one,” he said, pulling her back
into his arms and starting to playfully lick her neck.
Once again Lillian managed to force him back. “If you don’t show it
to me now, I’m leaving!” she threatened as she leaned back against the door to keep from falling.
“Anything you say, sweetheart,” he said. “You’re the boss.” He turned
his back to her as she waited for him to reveal what he was going to show
her. While she stood there she could hear him fumbling with something
in front of him. “This is it!” he said, flipping on another lamp, then
turning boldly back to her with a glowing grin.
Lillian gasped! Ken Warren’s fly was unzipped and his large,
uncircumcised penis was exposed, erect in all its glory. An image of a
poster Lillian had seen as a child flashed before her. The picture was of
Uncle Sam sporting his striped pants, tailcoat, and high black hat, his hand
extended with his finger pointing. The caption read: “I want you!”
Professional Reviews
Loved Lillian!
"I loved Lillian in "If You Really Loved Me You'd Take Out The Garbage" and rooted for her to get even with her cheating husband. The fast moving story kept me up all night because I had to read the ending. It didn't disappoint me."
Carren Strock -- Author of "Married Women Who Love Other Women"
Great Book!
"I loved If You Really Loved Me You'd Take Out The Garbage. I could not stop laughing!"
Sheryl Fratell
Humorous To The Last Page
"If You Really Loved Me, You'd Take Out The Garbage," was very humorous and satisfying from the beginning of the book to the very last page. I'm looking forward to reading more of A. R. Alan's books.
Barbara Bell Matuszewski - reviewed for the National League Of American Pen Women
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