A selection of humor/human interest columns written over a ten year period for the weekly Suburban Newspapers in the Fort Worth TX area.
How this book came to be:
My single blonde friend and I combined our households for a garage sale. While sorting through items, she would hold something up and ask something like: "Where did you get this?" Fortunately, she didn't add the word "monstrosity." And my reply was usually something like: "Oh, you remember old what's his name. He gave it to me when he got a guilty conscience for taking somebody else to ski in Aspen. Let's put a $.25 cent tag on it." And then, another object, with a similar answer.
In sum, I had about six or seven unwanted gifts in the pile, all marked $.25. " That's all the memories of these guys are worth," I pronounced over a glass of wine (not for sale, incidentally.)
Poor guys. If they only knew, their ashes were even now being spread over the garage, albeit in the form of their cheesy gifts to me.....
And that's where My Ashes of Dead Lovers Garage Sale got its name....
Excerpt
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND HAND OVER YOUR MONEY
It's a conspiracy, you know.
It's bad enough that I'm going back to school, and all my Teachers are ganging up on me and scheduling back-to-back exams, and for an Old Person like me, that's pretty stressful, but in addition to the above, April is my Birthday Month.
So what's bad about that? It's not a Significant Birthday, one that threatens to traumatize me, like it did when I was 30 (a mere few months ago -- well, okay, MANY months ago -- all right, MANY YEARS AGO, if you have to get testy about it!) No, it's just another birthday, except that April also coincides with the following:
First it's the Income Tax People. If I haven't presented my Return to the IRS before my Happy Birthday, they can assure me that I will Henceforth and Forevermore celebrate the anniversary of my birth in a place that has bars on the windows and where they don't allow you to have any sharp objects, like pencils to write columns with, so I make sure that I Pay my Taxes On Time. If I were in charge of the IRS, I would exempt all those born during the month of April. It would be a nice gesture on the part of the Government, don't you think? But NOOOO... they insist on singing this song: "Happy Birthday to You, Your Taxes are Due, Please Pay In Full, Or We'll Come Looking For You."
Then, of course, I get the little card in the mail that says my Texas Drivers License has to be renewed; this is the Fifth Year. They aren't sympathetic, either. Not only must I present myself at the Friendly Neighborhood Texas Department of Public Safety, but I must also present said DPS with cash, check or money order in the amount of $16.00. It's MY BIRTHDAY, I pout. THEY'RE supposed to give ME something. All I get in return is a new license and another picture of me that looks as if I have just been sentenced for Life for Tax Evasion. And a song: "Happy Birthday To You, We'll Give You a Clue: You Can't Drive 'Round Texas, Till You Pay Us, Too."
Speaking of driving, my local insurance agent also wishes to honor me on my Natal Day Anniversary. Coincidentally, I am requested to pay him my Quarterly Premium, or The Entire Annual Sum, on or about my birthday: "Happy Birthday to You, You're Premium's Due. Please Pay By Due Date Or We'll Cancel You."
(Excuse me, but I need to ask: How does one Cancel someone? Does One just walk up to Someone and say, "You're Cancelled; You no longer exist; you are now a Non-Person?" Just wondering.)
My Annual Car Inspection is also due. My, Aren't I Popular? "Happy Birthday to You, Your Wipers Are Through. We'll Sell You Some New Ones, and Align Your Headlights, Too."
Two credit cards also expire this month; I choose not to renew them, so there. They can do without my money from now on. However, I note that my Passport is expiring. Not that I'm Going Anywhere, you understand. But there's always just a teeny chance that I might win the Lottery and go flying off around the world, and the State Department probably does not waive even a Winsome Lottery Winner from leaving the US Without a Passport. "Happy Birthday to You, We're Happy For You, Passport Update Is Due, Don't Leave the Country Till We Hear From You."
So, I attend to all these pesky little details, and when my Birthday actually does come around -- April 21 -- hint, hint, I plan to open a bottle of champagne, prop my feet up and give myself a toast: "Happy Birthday to You, You've Made it Through. Though Last Year Was a ___________, Next Year You'll Be Rich."
A humorous look at the world and life through my eyes.
Follow the author and his wife, as they travel the world …. several times over.
Laugh at their funny stories, self-inflicted crazy events, strange observations, wacky zoo facts and snippets
A naďve councilman and a down-on-her-luck single mom try to save their county’s last stand of forest from greedy developers and a dysfunctional government.
