Category: Children Publisher: Publish America
ISBN-10: 1608366871
Pages: 63
Jake the Snake is a rambunctious Kindergartner who is always getting into trouble. And when that happens, he is sent to the "stupid time-out chair." Jake the Snake is nervous that Santa is watching. "'Cause Christmas ain't very far away." When Jake the Snake drowns his big brother's pet lizard in chocolate sauce, he is afraid he'll get a stupid lump of coal on Christmas. And things only get worse when Mom takes Jake the Snake to the mall to visit Santa and he barfs in the mall elf's hat. Will Jake the Snake get a stupid lump of coal? Or will Santa forgive him for all the naughty things he's done all year?
Excerpt
My name is Jake. Except I like to be called Jake the Snake. Everyone calls me that name. 'Cause Mom and Dad say it’s a catchy nickname. Except sometimes my big brother Johnny just calls me Stupid Kid. I don’t even like that dumb name though.
I like snakes. Plus other slimy things like toads and lizards. Johnny has a pet lizard. His name is Larry.
My age is five and three-quarters. I go to the half- day kind of school. It’s real name is Kindergarten. That’s where people learn their ‘P’s’ and ‘Q’s’. Plus learn how to add up numbers. And sometimes do show and tell. Johnny goes to the all day kind of school. He has to do lots of stupid homework. Plus he says his teacher is real bad mean.
I’m more lucky. 'Cause I have a real nice teacher. Her name is Mrs. Hurley. She’s kind of old like Grandma.
But she’s real fun for being an old woman. She’s lots chubbier than Grandma too. But Mom says I shouldn’t ever say she’s old and chubby. 'Cause that ain’t very nice.
I have a girlfriend at that Kindergarten too. Her name is Chelsea Mayer. She sits at my table. She has pretty curly hair. Plus she wears two bows in her hair. Sometimes those bows are pink. And sometimes those bows have plastic puppy dog heads in the middle. The puppy dog ones are my favoritest. Chelsea Mayer is real cute. That’s why I try to hug her. Sometimes I even try to kiss Chelsea Mayer. Except she doesn’t even like it when I try the kissing part.
“No, Jake the Snake! Leave me alone! I don’t want any kisses!”
“But you’re my girlfriend, Chelsea Mayer! So you have to kiss me!”
“I am not your girlfriend, Jake the Snake! Leave me alone, you stinky boy!”
Except I don’t even know why she calls me Stinky Boy. 'Cause I don’t even smell bad. Mom makes me take a bath every night, whether I like it or not.
Then the bad part happens. Chelsea Mayer tells Mrs. Hurley, “Jake the Snake is trying to kiss me! Make him stop!”
That’s called tattle telling. Mom says tattle telling ain’t very nice.
Except Mrs. Hurley must not know that rule. ‘Cause she doesn’t even tell Chelsea Mayer it’s not nice. Instead she tells me, “There is no kissing allowed in school!”
Except I think that’s a real dumb rule...
Professional Reviews
Funny Book!
Jake the Snake and the Stupid Time-Out Chair is a hilarious and delightful book for early readers as well as older readers and parents alike. The author captures the voice of this Kindergarten boy perfectly! This book had me in stitches. Jake the Snake's ornery antics could be compared to Dennis the Menace! This fun, well illustrated book will have readers anticipating what the next chapter will bring. A must read for all children, boys and girls alike!
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