"Not Quite Bible Stories" is a comical rewrite of the Bible stories leading up to the death of Moses. It is less a mocking of the Bible and more a using of the stories and characters to make commentary regarding history and modern culture. Some of the comedy derives from drawing parallels. For example: the Israelites’ migration toward the Promised Land is paralleled with the westward expansion into the American southwest. Another example is the fact that Adam, whose original purpose for being created was to serve as God’s gardener, is Mexican. What portions that deal with religion deal mainly with the difference between our primitive perceptions vs divine reality. Such as the Plague of Locusts. The Egyptians’ animals had died and hail had destroyed the crops. Since locusts are edible, what the Hebrews thought was a plague was praised by the Egyptians as a godsend from Ra.
Excerpt
IN THE BEGINNING, God created the heaven and the Earth. In six days, He did make the skies, the world and all the plants and animals therein. On the seventh day, God rested and watched the weeds grow. God saw that this was not good so, on the eighth day, God created Mexicans.
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And it came to pass that Cush, son of Ham, returned home in the evening. He entered his home as his wife called all to supper. Verily, he followed the call and did mark well dodging his son running helter-skelter toward the kitchen.
"Whoa," he said, "Watch where you're going, you little nimrod. That's what I'm going to start calling you from now on. . ."
NIMROD
(AKA: "The Tower of Babel")
So it was that Nimrod grew and became a mighty hunter whom some called Orion. In time, he led his people to Shinar where they settled and built a city and planted and enjoyed the fruits of their toil. It came to pass that Nimrod sat on a hill one day sharing a hookah with a friend.
They did look out across and did marvel at its great expanse. They felt a need to fill it with something though they knew not what. One suggestion for this desert community was an ice skating rink. Nimrod did suggest a ziggurat but his friend refused citing that he did not smoke. Nimrod did correct him.
He meant a tower. His friend was inspired with a vision of one that reached to the sky. Nimrod thought on a bigger scale and suggested one that reached all the way to Heaven. The friend was much pleased with this thought and imagined it having what he described as a "totally awesome stairway".
"A stairway to Heaven," Nimrod replied.
"Dude!"
Verily, the more they spoke of it, the more they liked the idea. They did set about ironing out the details. Plans were made to put a gameroom on top even with a foosball table and a means for lifting people that didn't want to or could not climb the stairs.
"And best of all. . . ," Nimrod started.
"Hangin' with the Lord," they finished together.
And so it was that they did begin the job of gathering the people together for the project. Verily, God did look upon this scene. Gabriel did look upon it and had some reservations toward it. He did voice his concerns unto The Lord.
"If they build that ziggurat all the way up here, you can bet there will be people in and out of Heaven 24-7. And just try and keep anything in the fridge."
"Hadn't thought of that," God said thoughtfully, "I'd better do something."
The people did mass on the plain bearing tools and materials ready to go to work. God analyzed the situation and decided the best course of action. He did reach out his hand and did confuse their tongues so that one could not understand the other.
"Mon Dieu! Je parlez Francais! ZUT," one man said.
"ZUT! ZUT! ZUT," others interjected.
"Damn," Nimrod said disappointedly, "there goes the foosball table."
"Si."
God did scatter them across the land.
SO ENDS THE STORY OF NIMROD
JUDAH
And it came to pass that Judah did meet an Adulamite named Hirah and the daughter of the Canaanite Shua. Hirah invited Judah to sit and break bread with him. Verily, he did. The bread was brought out by Shua's daughter who, like most women of her day, had no name. Judah did gaze upon her beauty and excused himself to get some of that. And so it was that Judah had a son.
"What shall we name him," Shua's daughter asked.
"Errrrrr," Judah said thinking.
"Perfect. I, hereby, name you Er."
And it came to pass that Judah had another son. On the advice of Shua, his daughter did name this one and she named him Onan. Judah did have another son he named Bob. As Bob did grow, Judah did see his way clear to renaming him Shelah [SHE lah].
"You know, mom," Shelah said, "this tent really needs a splash of color. Maybe some reds and blues with just a dash of yellow. We can put a pot of flowers in the corner. Nothing to elaborate and hang a couple of pictures." Shelah squealed. "The old place will look so darling!"
Er did grow and earned his name. Judah did try to teach him basic math that he might take over the family business one day but Er could never grasp the concepts. Still, Er, despite spending his days picking his nose, did manage to take a wife {figure that one out} and she was named Tamar.
"Judah," God said, "call me old-fashioned but I think we need to start over with this one. I'd hate to think what will become of his seed."
And so it was that God did slay Er. Judah bade him happy trails. God apologized to Judah for having to slay Er saying that He thought Er was just too stupid to live. Just to make sure everything was still copacetic between Himself and Judah, He asked if Judah was upset.
"Hell, no," Judah exclaimed, "I truly wish you would do that sort of thing more often."
"Cool," God said, "Maybe, I'll reconfigure the universe to do it automatically. I call it 'natural selection'. In the meantime, Er's line needs an heir. Send Onan to do the deed."
"Mokie hokie."
And Judah did go to Onan and requested that he go in unto Er's widow and know her that his dead brother might have an heir to Er's name and property. Onan couldn't help but wonder why he was the one chosen to do the deed.
"Well, I tell you," Judah said, "it's either going to be you or Shelah. And, let's face it, it isn't going to be Shelah."
And so it was that Onan did go in to know his brother's widow and, at first, seemed to enjoy it. She, also, seemed to be much pleased by it. But, before achieving ultimate knowledge, Onan did withdraw and did know himself spilling his seed upon the ground. This did anger God. Onan did step outside his brother's tent then fell to the ground dead.
"Two in a row," Judah lamented, "That must be some deadly pussy."
He did go to Tamar saying that he had one son left and to stay with her father until he could figure something out. Verily, she agreed. Judah did think long and hard on the problem. Try as he may, however, the only solution Judah could find was with Shelah and he wanted nothing to do with the stuff.
And so it was that Judah did know Tamar and she did become great with child. In fact, she conceived twins. And so it was that she did begin to deliver and a hand did poke out and did grab the midwife's nose. The midwife did tie a scarlet thread about the wrist showing that it came out first.
The hand did release the midwife's nose then gave her "the finger" having just used a little realized loophole in the Law of the Firstborn. It then went back inside. And so it was that Pharez was born then Zarah with the scarlet thread.
Fractured Frazzled Folk Fables and Fairy Farces is adult literature that satirizes famous children's stories, fables and fairy tales. The work is Jay Dubya's twenty-first e-book available in Amazon Kindle and Barnes and Noble Nook.
