Kindle Edition
Amazon
Amazon
Category:
Humor
Publisher: Amazon Kindle
Pages: 279
Copyright: April 21, 2014
Price: $6.00 (eBook)
What if you're a fat guy who's never been kissed - well, maybe kissed, but not much else? What if you eat some dodgy stuff you find in your mate's fridge, drink a few Jewish whiskies and find yourself hallucinating Morgan Freeman in Maggie Thatcher drag...and it changes your life?
Cornelius Tuckling is fat, unfit and a virgin on his thirtieth birthday. His best mate, Noz, tries to fix him up with a high-class hooker, only he can’t go through with it. How could he expose that blobby body to someone so fragile and pretty?
After eleven Jewish whiskies and a finger-scoop of dodgy paté found in Noz’s fridge, Cornelius staggers home. That night, he wakes in the small hours to a hallucination: Morgan Freeman in drag tells him his taste buds are dead.
In the morning, he finds it’s true and begins to lose weight. But it’s only the start of a whole bunch of new problems…
Excerpt
A boring, empty afternoon in a darkened cinema, and my leg hurt. Puncture marks either side of my thigh, courtesy of next door’s cat.
Mrs. Figgis didn’t even thank me. Hughie, she called it, as if it were a sweet, adorable fluffball instead of an ill-tempered, snarling demon. It even attacked the postman, which is why he’d opted to leave the parcel with me.
It was the second pair of pants that cat had snagged. I ought to make her have the damned thing put down - but I knew I’d never do it. Soft, that’s what you are, Cornelius. Soft in the head. Well, what do you expect from someone named after a chimp, for Christ’s sake? Thanks a lot, Mum. Apparently, she was mad on Planet of the Apes at one time. So what was wrong with Charlton?
The movie was by way of a distraction. It was the scruffy old cinema nobody liked, but it had the advantage of having armrests that could be lifted out of the way to give you a bit more room. They were having a Star Wars bonanza and the place was empty except for half a dozen kids and a man with a passing resemblance to Morgan Freeman on the middle row.
Wouldn’t it be good if you really could waft your hand in front of someone’s eyes and make them believe whatever you wanted? Think of the places you could use a trick like that: I’ve already paid. You don’t need to see my driving licence. FBI.
Course, waving my hand about like that, I knocked over my bucket of popcorn. I swear those kids were laughing at me, but I’m used to that. Had a lifetime of it.
Sticks and stones, Mum used to say - as if that was any help. They threw stones as well. It’s your personality that counts, she told me.
And what did Dad say? Get off your fat arse and do some exercise.
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