I also knew in the back of my mind that I had gay tendencies, but never acted upon them since I had been in the Marines. I now found my self in the middle of the woods, gay, and alone. So where does the child fit in?
He knew I was set on this mail order bride thing, and to have a family. He understood but not necessarily agreed with it. I never lied to him I said our relationship will end or at least greatly change once I go on this trip. I had full intentions of bringing a wife home. He said he is enjoying the time we have together and completely understands this. We will take one day at a time. Maybe the woman I found would be very cool with the gay issue. As the next six months rolled by, we became closer and closer. No matter how much we told ourselves this was a short time romance, we fell in love. I know I fell in love the moment I saw him in those daisy duke bib overalls all sweaty and nasty. Tee hee tee hee!
I still was not going to let anything turn my attention from bringing home a woman to start a family. We tried to come up with an alternative measure, but to no real set answers. We did not even trust the fact of bringing in a lesbian couple to have children for us for fear they would take the child for themselves. We did not know any lesbians anyway. A segregate mother would con you and bleed you of all your assets, and still not be pregnant or be pregnant by someone else. It had to be a woman out of her element, willing to live here so she is not pregnant by some one else, and in a situation she so desperately wants to get out of. We discussed; that perhaps the woman would be happy to give us a child, in exchange for a “Green card”, if things did not work out between her and me, I was willing to give 10 acres in town. I could build a house where she could raise a family. She could see or do anything she wanted if she was willing to have my baby. These were thoughts and ideas thrown in the air at this point for we did not know what kind of woman I was going to meet. I had received my papers and it was getting closer to time to leave.
The last week got intense. Jeff and I had crying sessions of expressing we love each other. I had a party at the house for the employees. One of the girls that ran a register declared her love to me sober. She said she knew that Jeff and I were lovers and she loved to have babies and would have all the children Jeff and I wanted. When I got there, the four hours of mixed drinks made her suicidal and she devoted her love to me. I did not even know she was saying the same thing sober. She was married and had two children of her own. She finally passed out and I had Jeff take her home in the morning. When Jeff was coming back from taking her home, he came around a curve to fast. He totaled my Chevy blazer. When I got to work, she had told everyone some crap as I confessed to her in a drunken state about the gay issue and that the mail order bride was a farce. Wow, that beats all, so I thought. One of the people that had been coming over to my home to party every now then decided to come out of the closet and take Jeff on to be his. Since I was going to get a bride obviously, I did not need him any longer, so now Jeff was his. Yeah whatever!
He was just waiting for me to go to the airport so he could make his move and collect his prize. He did make that move, but he did not collect the prize! It took some time to sink in, but Jeff told him he was going to be faithful. He did now know what was going to happen but he would be here for me no matter what when I got off the plane. Things were tense enough already we did not need the added drama. Jeff and I did love each other, and our relationship had grown in so many directions in this past six months. It was intensified by this ordeal. Even sex had grown to the point that Jeff was not predominately a bottom and I was no longer predominately a top. We were versatile and very comfortable as equals. We were very comfortable with one another. We never even got into real fights, not even petty ones.
Ground zero - the day had arrived. Jeff insisted I take a suit for the more formal affairs. We had searched and searched different discount stores from various free organizations for a suit. Finally, we found one it was dark gray with black ultra pin stripes. Best of all we paid five dollars. The only money I had to take with me was eight hundred dollars. The brochure said something about having to pay three hundred for a k1 fiancé visa-processing fee. That left five hundred dollars spending money. Ouch. I could not afford to buy some new shoes either so I buffed or polished a pair of old cowboy boots. I just did not like the fact that they were so old. Jeff was already over my worrisome complaints and reminded me the women were going to look at my face and not my feet. We did not think there would be a problem with finding a white shirt in the closet. Down to the last minute proved differently. The only white shirt I had was ruffles. It was used mainly for dressing up for some Halloween adventure. It would have to do. Jeff tried insistently to get me to take a suitcase. Being his travel experience was somewhat limited, I knew better. He was thinking style and appearance. I was thinking security and easily seen. Therefore, I broke out the old worn out holes in the side sea bag. I took a can of florescent orange spray paint and put strips all over it. Now, it would be easily seen especially among a sea of luggage at the airports. Who would ever steal a worn out old sea bag with florescent orange paint?
We had to drive four hours to the airport from our hometown. Jeff drove the entire distance and I pretended to sleep. There was enough tension in the air. He told me later, that when I got on the plane and took off, he was devastated. He cried for an hour and a half in the terminal. When he finally got his composure, he and Bear went home. He was scared, did not know what to think, hoping I would come back, hoping I would be okay for I was going halfway around the world, and worried whether or not I would be having me in his life. He just wanted us to go home. The plane arrived in New York. There was four hours before the plane left. When we finally took off and were leaving New York City, I made use of my credit card. I only had about forty dollars available credit. There was a TV screen in the back of each seat. It had movies, the internet, and shopping one could do. Above the screen was a hand held device that let you process credit cards, controlled the movies and internet, and there was a telephone. I used it. Figuring Jeff had enough time to drive home by now I called him from the aircraft as we flew over the ocean leaving the United States. He was so excited he broke into tears again, telling me he could not believe I called. He loved me and no matter what or how this was going to play out, he was going to stick by my side. He would be there when I got home. He just could not believe I called.
The plane went to Germany, where I changed planes. Going through miles of corridors, it funneled to a small waiting area. It just so happened I had noticed some guys and saw them in New York as well. I wondered if they were on the same singles tour. They were. Together we found where we needed to be. There were eight others, all wealthy and much older than I was. I was the typical average American, poor, cute, and young. Customs was difficult and every thing I had in the sea bag was now on the table. We restuffed everything back into the sack; and put it on down this chute, just to get on the plane again. There were only the eight of us on this huge plane that was going to Moscow. All the other aircrafts had been wall-to-wall people. You had to wonder why. Roaches check in but they do not check out. Is that how this trip is going to play out? Arriving in the Moscow airport, we rushed as a mob to the passport inspectors. The bag inspectors, the inspectors of the inspectors and wipe the smile off your face personal. Everything in the entire airport was quiet except for the machinery. They hardly looked around, mostly stared into space with an expressionless face. They did not even bother to say next. You stayed behind the line and just walked forward when the inspector was done with the person in front of you. Noise, finally different, functions and groups were screaming looking for their people. It was all in Russian so it did not make sense. The people that we were with found us screaming English in the sound of Russian overtures. The mass of people was just packed in like sardines to the front of that airport. We had to wait, an hour, for the van, to pick us up. All of our suitcases were piled on top of each other to help prevent thieves from grabbing a bag and running. I was not worried. The most expensive thing in my sea bag was my five dollars suit. There were all kinds of people that could hear, we were speaking English.
Beggars especially were in line looking for a hand out. It made you feel an inch tall. There were so many, you could not give to so many. One particular woman who had pegged me out approached. A soft voice trying to speak English asked me for money. She had not been able to get a job due to her getting so badly burned. I saw others gathered around behind her. When I looked back, she had her arms crossed now they were not. She exposed her body to reveal most of her chest was gone and only one breast remained. Others rushed her away and she was gone. The van was here, we all loaded up. I do not know why, but the Moscow I expected to see, would have grand skyscrapers and intensely tall buildings like New York or at least like Chicago. No, not at all it is unique 1950’s style pre-turn of the century city. It is spread out for miles and miles. The tallest building that I saw was 20 stories. Everything was old and in need of much repairs. The closer we go to the red square the buildings had more architectural detail. Moscow started renovating the entire red square.
The hotel we were staying at was almost built on top of these two churches. One of them was six hundred years old the other, eight hundred year old. They were a marvel in themselves. A bit of Russian history, that was a mystery to me. The hotel's name was “Russia”; our English-speaking host greeted us at the door. Rooms were already arranged. The front desk just needed to check us in and review our passports. I thought the airport was quite thorough, what did they need with them? We were told the hotel provided everything. It was the only hotel to have hot water. While we stayed there two meals were included breakfast and lunch. Even entertainment was provided at an extra cost after six pm. These girls would call the room periodically to see if you needed anything or would be in the front lobby in evening gowns in case you wanted to check out the merchandise before hand. Sweet. Now that is hotel service. At the front door, you presented your hotel pass. Every floor had a guard and you had to present your hotel pass. To get on the elevator you need your hotel pass? To get to eat breakfast and lunch you needed your hotel pass? To get an extra towel you need your hotel pass? Usually, these places had to log you into their itinerary book. Now that was a cause for raising an eyebrow. I had to admit the room was nice just like a comfort inn. I was on the eleventh floor overlooking the red square. The big windows opened like a door and I would sit on the ledge listening to the busy Russian world. I did this every night I was there.
About a week, you could here the bands practicing for the MTV world tour at the red square. The day my plane was leaving, it was scheduled to begin. It made me so mad not to see the concern, but I did get to hear the practice sessions. I had a great bird’s eye view of the stage. I did not venture out that far the first night. I just checked out the area around the hotel trying to get my barring. I kept waking up and sitting on the ledge watching the night as it passed by. The next morning I showered and went to find where breakfast was. I had crepes with apples inside and powder sugar on top. They were good. The coffee needed major help. The cups were those little teacups. The coffee is just put in the water and cooked. What you get is a half of a cup of grounds and a half-cup of coffee in this itty-bitty teacup. I put two cubes of sugar and milk in it thinking I could enjoy it still. No such logic.
It was not long after breakfast the first banquet began. I was to meet the first 600 woman of the 1800 promised. I went back to my room to change, trying to not work myself up to being nervous. It took me too long to get ready. I guess I was nervous. I detailed out everything a dozen times over. Usually I get dressed in five minutes. I started to think of Jeff and missed him. I decided to call and let him know I made it safe and sound. I was getting ready to go to the first convention. I told him the information of where I was. He scolded me for being already an hour late. How he figured that out since there was a significant time difference, I do not know. Little did I know he had nothing better to do.? He sits down and calculates what was happening at any given moment, while I was in Moscow. I just billed the call to the room. I hung up and walked down the hallway checking my posture to see if I was standing straight.
Excerpt
This is a quest finding a lover, picking a mother and bringing a child in this new age world. The nuclear family ideology, in no context, comes close to Appling to this story. Love is found, unexpectedly.
Professional Reviews
SEEKING IMMORTALITY: A GAY MARINES QUEST TO HAVE CHILDREN
Find your own Truth by Randy Cragin (Sun 14 Mar 6:30 pm EST 2004) LULU.COM
I can boil my review down to one word if I had to, Precious. But I don't have to, so for people cruising here on the web I say: Ignore the rawness of this. It's really not that hard, underneath is the story the title implies. I had not meant to commite to reading it all at once, but for some reason I just could not stop and was only interrupted by a dire need to sleep. Everything else would have to wait.
I think it's natural for anyone to want to have children and this includes gay people. Here's a story of how complicated it can get for the trying, not to mention living in a society that still has blanket hatred for people who are just different.
Ken, I'd say I was jealous, not for your experience, but for what you have. Good luck!
Just a simple gathering of the Gay & Lesbian Activist Association of New Birch and Sipsboror (GLAABS) and we plunge down a hilarious ride to perdition.
