This is a companion workbook with The Strength of a Man with exercises specifically aimed at male survivors to help them to heal from their trauma.
A companion workbook that can also be used on its own, this book has healing exercises aimed at the specific issues that male sexual assault survivors face so that they can heal from their trauma and lead full, productive, happy lives once again.
Excerpt
Chapter 2 – Redefining Your Life
Male survivors are often so trapped by their guilt, shame and fear. Society does not allow male survivors to heal in the way they need. As survivors, we tend to feel shamed and dirty because of what happened to us. The reality of the situation is that we are NOT dirty. Nor do we have anything to be ashamed of. As a man, the shame may be more of a burden than to your female counter-part, again due to social stigmas. You are a strong, brave man. There is no reason for you to be ashamed of your assault. According to the American Heritage Dictionary, the definition of shame is:
1.
a. A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.
b. Capacity for such a feeling: Have you no shame?
2. One that brings dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation.
3. A condition of disgrace or dishonor; ignominy.
4. A great disappointment.
I want to go through these one by one.
First we have guilt. You MAY feel guilty about your assault. That’s a very common emotion. However, you did absolutely nothing wrong. You have no reason to feel guilty. This was done to/against you. You have no responsibility in this; therefore you cannot have any guilt. As emotional as something like this is, you need to approach it from a logical perspective. If someone you knew & cared about said they felt guilty, you would tell them that they had no reason to, right? Why would you be any different?
I want you to write out a statement about your guilt. What exactly do you feel? What do you feel guilty about? Let it all out here. ______________________________________
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Next, I want you to write what you would tell a friend or loved one about why there is nothing to feel guilty about. ________________________________________________
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Third, I want you to write a mission statement about how and why you are NOT going to allow guilt to rule your life any longer. This is your freedom, your life, take it back! ___
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Embarrassment. With the current social stigmas we face, it is absolutely understandable that you would feel embarrassed about your experience. That is why I have written this book. To take away the embarrassment from male survivors. To help raise awareness on a social level. To help you feel safe and confident as a survivor. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You are an incredibly strong and brave person who endured one of the worst travesties that one human being can inflict upon another.
I’d like you to write about how badly embarrassment has hurt you and held you back. Write about all the different ways unnecessary embarrassment has negatively affected you and your life. ________________________________________________________
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Next, I want you to write a statement to society about how wrong their stigmas are, and how hurt you have been because of social embarrassment and stigmas. This is your chance to create social change and help yourself heal – go for it! ___________________
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You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You are an incredibly strong and brave person who endured one of the worst travesties that one human being can inflict upon another.
Unworthiness. There is nothing here that deems someone unworthy. We are all humans deserving of the same rights. Therefore, you are worthy of the rights not to be attacked or violated.
Has your assault caused you to feel unworthy of something/anything?
If so, what was it?
I want you to write a letter to the victim inside you. I want you to tell yourself that you are not unworthy or anything. Prove your point so that you can not only know, but you can actually feel it and begin to let go of these false feelings of unworthiness. _________
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Disgrace and Dishonor. These are tough, especially when certain cultural or familial beliefs come into play. Honor has always been extremely important to me. In fact, I have a tattoo that reads, “Death before dishonor.” I often felt disgrace and dishonorable after my rape, and the termination of the resulting pregnancy. Both feelings stayed with me until I started changing my perspective. Disgrace and dishonor can only come when you do something bad. They have to come from your actions. You might have made some bad choices that led up to your assault, but you did not do anything that warranted being violated the way that you were. You are in no way culpable for what happened to you. You cannot be a disgrace, because you did nothing wrong. Someone preyed upon you. There is no disgrace in that and therefore it is impossible that you could be dishonorable.
Do you feel dishonorable or like a disgrace?
If so, why?
What does it mean to you to think that disgrace and dishonor can only come from your actions?
I want you to write a positive statement about yourself. Start it off with something like, “I am not a disgrace/dishonorable because…” It’s time you stopped thinking of yourself so negatively. ___________________________________________________________
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Lastly, we have a great disappointment. Your experience was by far a great disappointment. Anyone who endures attacks like that can become greatly disappointed. We become disappointed in people, especially those that hurt us the most. We become disappointed with the darkness and selfishness of this world. We may become disappointed with the legal system should we try to press charges. A rape changes everything, and can cause us many disappointments. However, we ourselves, as survivors, are not disappointments to ourselves or anyone else. We are the brave, the strong ones who made it. You cannot be disappointed by a hero’s courage.
What are you most disappointed in as a result of your assault?
Why?
Is there anything you can do change it?
What can you say to yourself or others if you start to feel like a disappointment yourself? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I hope that by looking at those definitions and words, you have found peace in your heart, and that you no long carry shame with you. There is no reason for you to feel shameful. You are a survivor.
It may take some time, but just change your perspective by the slightest angle, and you’ll start to see things in an entirely new light. In that new light, you can begin to heal.
We all know how to plan our actions, but we aren't always able to carry them out as we had planned. That's because things happen that we don't plan, and those things cause us to react. How do you control your reactions? God has all the answers in His
