To My Child

I know how beautiful you are, I see your face whenever I close my eyes.

I know what a beautiful singer you are; I hear your sweet melodies all day.

I know how precious you are, I never questioned that.

I know how amazing you are, your knowledge & talents surpass all that I could ever imagine.

Knowing all this, I could not let you suffer.

I couldn't turn you loose into the world, to wander aimlessly, wondering who your mother was & why she let you go.

I couldn't bear allowing you to live a life full of physical pain, and see such a beautiful soul have no quality of life.

I couldn't bring you into this world only to have you find out find out you were not brought in by love.

I couldn't give you life when I couldn't take care of you, give you all that you need and deserve.

I am sorry. I was forced. I was forced to allow it to happen, and then I was forced to make a decision. I should not have had to make that decision, but unjust things happen in this world. I am sorry. You did not ask for any of this, you did not ask to be brought into this world, and especially not in these circumstances. I am sorry. You did not deserve this, not any of it. I think about you all the time. I am ridden with guilt. I am sorry. The only thing I can take comfort in is knowing that you are with the deities. You are in a paradise I have yet to discover. You have been saved from physical & emotional pain & now get to experience the beauty and peace of Valhalla. I see you in the beauty of life around me: in the trees, the sun & moon, all of it. I feel you with me. You will never be forgotten. I do love you, and I always will.

_________________________________________________________

Thursday, February 16, 2006          

     Wrecking Ball       

I've just been hit by

A wrecking ball.

Watch my glass

Break.

Notice how my once strong and solid walls

Crumble.

Dust and powder take flight

All around me.

Deafening crashes envelop me.

All the beauty around me dissipate into

The giant hole before me.

I feel a pain and emptiness that is

Greater than the force of it when

The wrecking ball hits me

Again.

________________________________________________________

Free-Writing Exercise Dated Saturday, February 18, 2006

Little tiny fragments of what once was love.

Pieces torn, ripped away from their center.

Words, thoughts, emotions severed.

Late at night, I try to tape back the pieces.

Trying to make the words flow again.

Trying to unbreak the emotions.

Trying to make the paper whole again.

I study my feeble attempt,

And I wonder what he had torn to pieces:

The note, or me?