Kindle Edition
Amazon
Amy Metz
Category:
Humor
Publisher: Southern Ink Press
ISBN-10: 0989714063
Type: Fiction
Pages: 127
ISBN-13: 9780989714068
Price: $2.99 (eBook)
Short & Tall Tales is the third book in the Goose Pimple Junction mystery series.
This is not your average Southern town. With a hint of mystery and a lot of laughs, you'll catch a glimpse of everyday life in Goose Pimple Junction in this short story compilation. Short & Tall Tales occurs chronologically between Murder & Mayhem, book 1, and Heroes & Hooligans, book 2, in the Goose Pimple Junction mystery series. Tales is a fun escape that will answer readers' burning questions about the residents of this quirky, small town.
How did Johnny Butterfield become police chief?
How did Tess and Jack get engaged?
How did Ima Jean come to live with Louetta?
How do you celebrate an Apple Day?
These questions and more are answered in Short & Tall Tales in Goose Pimple Junction. Five short stories, one novella, and three recipes will give you more of the unique charm of Goose Pimple Junction, make you laugh, and have your mouth watering. If you want a feel-good read, you've come to the right place. Grab some sweet tea and escape to Goose Pimple Junction.
Excerpt
A Right Good Choice
Some people don’t have any walking-around sense.
~Southern certitude
“There goes Pete the Greek with that woman.” Estherlene Baumgarten glared out the diner’s big picture window that looked onto Main Street in downtown Goose Pimple Junction. “Look how she’s dressed. Putting on airs and all.”
“He’s been seeing her for some time now, don’t you know?” Junebug fixed the pins that held a bun to the top of her head as her eyes followed the couple walking down the street.
“Doesn’t he know she and Homer Wensley ate supper without saying grace?”
“Well, not only him . . . ” Junebug had heard Tallulah’s morals were questionable, but she was trying to be delicate. “Once she had Homer’s kid, he moved on, and . . . ” Junebug raised an eyebrow, “she moved on and on and on.”
Clive and Earl came into the diner, in the midst of another one of their lively discussions, and took their regular seats at the bar. The two older men had whiled away many hours arguing over anything and everything on those red vinyl stools, but when all was said and done, either one of them would take a bullet for the other – and most of the residents of Goose Pimple Junction as well.
“Did not.” Earl slapped his hand on the counter.
“She absogaldernlutely did.” Clive turned to Junebug as if to signal the discussion closed, but Earl wasn’t quite ready.
“Junie, old Clive here expects me to believe Carla Sue — may she rest in peace — once found Tallulah Bogarde and Patrick Dobbins in . . . uh . . . in flagrante delicto.”
“In fragrant what?” Junebug put her hands on her hips, her brow furrowed.
“Not fragrant.” Earl rolled his eyes and let out an impatient sigh. “You know…in amorous congress.”
Junebug stared at him with narrowed eyes and a confused look on her face. She looked at Estherlene. “You know what this fool is talking about?”
“Junebug,” Estherlene said as if she were talking to a child, “rumor has it she found them.” She waggled her head. “You know. Bread-and-butter fashion.”
“Oh. Why didn’t you say so in the first place? Sure she did. I was just telling Estherlene here that woman has sweet-talked—and Lord knows what else—just about any man on two legs.” She looked through the open window into the kitchen at her husband, Slick. “Except for Slick. He knows I won’t tolerate none of those shenanigans.”
“You’re all the woman I need, Junebug,” Slick called through the window. “You’re the cheese to my macaroni.”
“And you’re the milk to my cookie. Now get back to work. Table three’s waiting, sugar.” Her voice sounded harsh, but the smile and look that Junebug gave to her husband said that it was merely banter. The two were clearly crazy about each other.
Clive seemed amused. “Is that how Patrick got his nickname?”
Just then, Louetta Stafford and Tess Tremaine walked in. “What nickname? Who y’all gossiping about?” Louetta asked. She looked resplendent in a hot pink polka dot dress.
“Moon Dobbins,” Junebug said, pouring coffee into a cup.
“I call people by their given name. I don’t stand for all that foolishness,” Earl mumbled.
“Everybody calls Patrick ‘Moon,’” Louetta said, sliding her ample bottom onto a counter stool. “Didn’t you know that? I thought everybody knew that. Is what how he got his nickname?”
Tess slid onto a stool next to Louetta. “I don’t believe I know Mr. Dobbins, do I?”
Estherlene, who was known for her big mouth and extensive knowledge of the goings-on in the community, answered her. “His wife found Tallulah and Moon in convivial society.”
“And y’all think that’s how he got his nickname? I always thought it was on account of the cheeks on his face.” Junebug put a cup of coffee in front of Clive and Earl.
“Junebug!” Tess clamped her hand over her mouth.
“Now, Junie, don’t be ugly,” Clive cautioned. “Gimmee a piece of that buttermilk pie, will ya, darlin’?”
“Sure.” She nodded in Earl’s direction. “Whatta you want, Earl?”
“I’ll make it easy on you. Make it the same.”
“You always do everything I do.” Clive slapped his hand down on the counter. “Why don’t you grow a brain and think for yourself?”
“Then what would I need you for?” Earl winked at Junebug, and she went off to get their order.
Estherlene spoke up, addressing Louetta and Tess. “You know she’s carrying on with Pete the Greek now, don’t cha? That’s what got us started on the subject. We seen them walking up yonder.”
“I don’t see anything wrong with it,” Clive grumped. “As my mother would say, we none have the promise of tomorrow, so enjoy today. Can’t fault old Pete for doing that. He’s a widower, you know.”
Junebug came back with the pie. “My mama used to say a reputation is better ‘n great wealth.”
“That’s Proverbs,” Estherlene corrected.
“Nuh uh,” Clive said. “It’s Ecclesiastes.”
“It’s both, y’all. To one degree or another.” Louetta asked for sweet tea and then said, “‘Course it would be nice to have both.”
“Huh?” Clive said.
Louetta took the glass of tea from Junebug. “A good reputation and great wealth. Keep up, will ya?”
“Of course there was Claude Tally too,” Estherlene said.
“What about Claude Tally?” Earl asked.
“I heard he had a brush with Tallulah once.” Clive waggled his eyebrows.
“If there's one rat you can see, there's gonna be fifty you can't.” Junebug refilled everyone’s cup of coffee. As she set the pot back down on its burner, she turned to look out the diner’s plate glass window. “Now there’s a peculiar one.” She nodded her head toward the street. “Honey Winchester. She never met a man she didn’t like, if you know what I mean. Why, she’d steal one right out from under the best of us if given half a chance. She’s got the morals of an alley cat.”
“Well, now that we’ve slandered half of Goose Pimple, who’s gonna talk to Pete the Greek?” Clive asked.
“Will you just call the man Pete?” Earl mumbled.
“Why do y’all call him Pete the Greek?” Tess looked from face to face.
Everyone stared at her like she had two heads, but Louetta spoke up.
“First of all, I’m right proud of you, Tessie. You’re talking more like a southerner everyday. Secondly, we call him Pete the Greek because he’s from Greece, darlin’.”
“Why’s anybody gotta talk to him? It’s his private bidness.” Earl shook his head in disgust.
“But he’s new in town,” Clive said. “He retired down here from upstate who-knows-where. He might not know about her checkered past. And what if he finds out about it when it’s too late? I think somebody oughtta tell him.”
“You shouldenoughtta get involved.” Earl jabbed his finger at his friend.
Clive jabbed his finger back at Earl. “The man’s got a right to know he’s carrying on with a loose woman.”
#
The opportunity to talk to Pete presented itself a few weeks later, right after his and Tallulah’s engagement was announced. Pete came into the diner and sat down next to Earl and Clive. Earl, knowing what Clive intended to do and wanting no part of it, politely excused himself, threw some bills on the counter, and left the diner.
“That Earl.” Clive slowly shook his head. “I’ve known him since dirt was new. He’s good people, but a little high-strung, ya know?”
“I expect he is,” Pete the Greek said in his thick accent.
“Hireyew doing, Pete?”
“Clive, if I was doing any better, I’d be twins.”
Junebug arrived and Pete ordered coffee and a burger. Before she went to put in the order, she said, “I hear congratulations are in order. You gonna go and getcherself hitched?”
“Looks a like, Ms. Junebug. I got a tired of waiting on Slick to keel over, so what choice did I a have?” He gestured to Slick with a big smile on his face.
Clive’s ears perked up at the unknowing lead-in Pete had just given him. “Seems like a fine man of your caliber has a lot of choices.”
“I think, as the locals around here say, I’ve made a right good choice.”
“Well now, how long have you been on the market, Pete? Didn’t your wife pass not too long ago? What’s the rush?”
“No rush. I just found a da woman I want to spend a da rest of my life with, and dat’s what we’re a gonna to do.”
“How much do you really know about Tallulah?”
Junebug set down Pete’s burger and coffee in front of him and gave a pointed look to Clive before she retreated to tend to a table in the back.
“I know all I need to know, Clive.” Pete put ketchup on the hamburger.
“Are you sure? You know, some women tell enough lies to ice a wedding cake.”
Pickle came through the door, wearing a T-shirt that said: **“I SPILL THINGS.”** And sure enough, there was a big red stain on the left side of his shirt.
“How do, Pickle? You come in to get some more food on your shirt?”
Pickle stopped next to Clive, looking confused. “Uh . . . no, sir. I came in to meet Charlotte.”
Clive clapped him on the back. “Well then, get on, son.” He turned back to Pete and hitched his thumb at Pickle’s retreating back. “That kid’s got clue deficit disorder.” Then in a nonchalant way that was so nonchalant it was obvious, he said, “You know anyone like that?”
Pete looked him in the eye and smiled. “I suppose I do, Clive.”
Clive worked on Pete for a little longer, getting nowhere. Pete was either too dense or too stubborn. Clive decided it was time to be blunt.
“Pete, I like you.”
“I lika you too, Clive.”
“And I want what’s best for you.”
“Thank you.” He took a bite and looked at Clive warily over the burger.
“But I don’t think Tallulah is it.”
“Is what?”
Finally, Clive flatly said, "Pete, you have to know that she’s slept with half of the men in Goose Pimple Junction!"
Pete was silent for a moment, showing no emotion on his face. He took another bite of his hamburger, chewed, and swallowed. Then he replied, "Goose Pimple Junction, she no big a da town.”
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