We talk about relationship marketing, but what about relationships in the home of the relationship marketers? Prayer does a lot but skill can take change over the top.
The following is for families who may not recognize warning signs of divorce. Share it with someone you know (church, group, even a prospect who is having relationship problems if you feel close enough to them to do so.
Helping clients become aware of what they are doing that shows contempt is Newton’s job in the first session AND in every session.
Hint to therapists: You absolutely must interrupt again and again and again to make the client aware of his behaviors.
Newton with couple Mary and Tom:
Mary: He treats me like a dog.
Tom: A dog? Look at that car out there! What do you…
Newton: STOP TOM! This is what she means.
Tom: What? What are you talking about? You interrupted me.
Newton: Yeah. Just trying to help. You were raising your voice. You don’t raise your voice to your wife whom you cherish AND your tone is one of contempt like you were talking to her like a dog.
Tom: I don’t even know when I am raising my voice…
Newton: We will help you by pointing it out, right Mary?
Mary: I am scared to say anything to him.
Tom: (Sighs, rolls his eyes) I am so sick of hearing that.
Newton: No eye rolling! It again shows contempt for her.
Tom: Am I really that bad?
Newton: Yes. It looks like you are.
Tom: How about her? Doesn’t she need to work on her problem too?
Newton: We are going to work on you first. After we have you straightened out, then if we need to we can work on her. Tom: What do I need to do?
Newton: Great question. Let’s go back to where Mary says that she is scared to say anything to you and you roll your eyes, which you shouldn’t ever, ever do again. Maybe a better line would be: “I am sorry you feel that way sweetheart, I am going to work to change that.”
(Silence)
Tom: You want me to say that to her now?
Newton: Yeah, as sweetly as you can, but no sarcasm!
Tom: I am sorry you feel that way sweetheart, that you are scared of saying anything to me. I am going to work to change that. Newton: Mary, what do you think of how he did on that sentence, on a scale of 1 – 10?
Mary: I just don’t trust him.
Newton: Of course not, but how about that one sentence?
Mary: I would give it a 10 if he meant it.
Newton: I would give him a 9 if he meant it and a 10 if he didn’t, because it sounded like he meant it, which is harder to do if you don’t mean it completely.
(Resource: www.angerbusters.com, President Newton Hightower) FOUR HORSEMEN OF MARITAL APOCALYPSE: From “The Art and Science of Love” by Katy Butler, Psychotherapy Networker, September/October 2006, pages 29 – 39. Criticism, Stonewalling, Defensiveness and Contempt “The presence of the Four Horsemen alone, he (Gottman) found combined with pulse rates that rose above 95 beats per minute during a disagreement, were highly reliable predictors of divorce.” Let’s take a look at the specific behaviors for angry men there are in my top twenty to abstain from at all times….half of them relate to CONTEMPT.
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