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More articles by Tom Hyland


Fun With Some CON Words







9 / 11 : PRESS For TRUTH

By Tom Hyland   

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CAUTION: As Knave Matlack has been destined to suffering from a poor vocabulary, n' not much 'Larnin' in the Hill-Billy schools of the Joisey Barrens, he uses some Foul language sometimes herein.

The PIC? As much as he says he LOVES the Water n' Ocean ... you can see how he desecrates it, as his personal 'Out-House' ...

As you also may see, he has Threatened me several times, with 'Bodily Harm' ... but its Not his fault, Poor Soul ... Knaves never were taught the Finer Finesses, that WE Knights were!

"Sticks n' Stones may Break my Bones ...
But, Words will never Hurt me!"


© - Tom Hyland - 3/10/12

Dear Pilgrims:

This title is a result of two reviews of my recent post ‘ABSURD?’


Ed Matlack

I got ur jaws you old fart bitch...
while I use my jaws to eat & smoke,
u use urs to talk too much...

now you know from which Ed this did come from,
the one with the ability to drive down to Bawlmer
and bust an old mans ass cause I know right where u live,
passed it many a time, near the old sewer plant,

no breathing around you can anyone do, no they can't...
u'll get urs & old brother Edvard(k) will be most proud...
and boy will ur Bawlmer Bawlin' be quite altogether loud...


by Tom Hyland (author) at 3/10/2012 7:18:12 AM


1. LET US 1ST re-ED-ucate yew - 'bitch' is a term used for female dogs, whereas 'bastard' is usually a male, born of a 'bitch' with no Known Father - i.e. YOU! Yer MA can attest to that!

2. JAWS - as EWE said, I may 'talk too much' - but, this is usually quite necessary, in order to divulge accurate details, as in: 'Tom's Tall Tales Told Truthfully'!

3. Methinks YEW doth protest too much! Whereas, it is patently obvious to all intelligent beings that I must have 'Struck a Nerve' somehow! TRUTH WILL OUT!

4. ARSE-KICKIN' - BRING IT !!! Down here, in 'Shit City' we have NO fears of 'Namby-Pamby' 'Wuss-A-Lot' Knaves, who are really EUNUCHS in Disguise, who can't 'Fight Their Way Out of a Wet Paper Bag!' EWE better bring along a Platoon of GYRENES with YEW!

ALSO - not unlike 'The Holy Trinity' - there is The Ghost of The God-Father, Ole Commando Georg EDvard ... the Ghost of my Pal Pet MOUSE, GUS ... and ME! Like I said: "BRING IT!"

5. When YEW pack up for yer Trip down here, don't forget to bring yer DEPENDS (pee-pot) and yer cute lil POT-PIPE! As yer Bro PEEWEE said, yer MA still has 'high hopes' for EWE ... to someday make 'HEAD EUNUCH' or 'HEAD WUSS' somehow, sometime, somewhere ... SURE!

FINALLY ... I'll have Plenty of COORS LITE on hand for PEEWEE ED to GUZZLE, and Gallons of 'DAD'S FAMOUS' SARSAPARILLA ROOT BEER, for you to BATHE IN, to get off yer STENCH! HELL, maybe even CUZ PAT will fly in from sunny California-Fication Land, and we can have a REAL FAMBLY BASH!



Mr. Ed

“Once upon a Time,
These ED’s all had ‘Big Brass Balls’
Now – They jus’ Jaws n’ Jaws n’ Jaws!”

Dear Sir Cur,

As the old Ed Family Historian, I feel that it’s my duty to point out one important fact here. The ancient Ed Family has a very proud tradition of producing some of the world’s finest Eunuchs. It would therefore be extremely difficult for most Eds to ‘grow a set’ now. And the ‘Big Brass Ones’ were mainly used for show.

A eunuch is a person who (by the common definition of the term) may have been castrated, typically very early in life. Castration was typically carried out on the soon-to-be eunuch without his consent in order that he might perform a specific social function. The earliest records for intentional castrations to produce eunuchs date back to mankind’s caveman days.

Over the millennia ever since, eunuchs have performed a wide variety of extremely important functions in many different cultures and societies: courtiers or domestics, treble singers, religious specialists, government officials, politicians, military commanders, and, of course, guardians of women or harem servants.

As you know, old Brother Edvard was a decorated military commander, and I was a government official for many years. Alas, old Brother Jersey Ed has never really found his calling, but our dear old Ma still has high hopes for him.

And now you know why I rescue abandoned animals these days, and why I place such high importance on getting them all ‘fixed.’

You may also not know why your cousin Jersey is so deathly afraid of mice. To spare him the ghastly truth, old Brother Edvard had fabricated a bedtime story for him that a field mouse had ‘chewed them off’ when he was just a tiny little tyke. Jersey still cringes today whenever he sees one.

PS: Ma wants to know if you know anyone in Bawlmer who might be willing to give your cousin Jersey Ed a job as a domestic servant or as a treble singer – she doesn’t think he’d be very good in a Harem.

PPS: Ma also wants to know if you know any available traveling salesmen.

PPPS: And now you know why all those Viagra commercials refer to men suffering from ‘ED.’

PPPPS: The Annual Eunuch Convention is being held this year in Atlantic City in June. Wanna Go?

Your Cousin Pee Wee Ed,
The Old Ed Family Historian



1. WOW! What a Fine Report! You have outdone yerself with such magnificent details! THE 'EUNUCH FACTOR' ... SPLAINS A LOT!

2. I didn't know that the 'BRASS BALLS' were just 'for show'! I always thought they were Danglin' there, so's they would CLANG whenever a Eunuch approached, as a WARNING to all 'Able-Bodied' REAL MEN! Kinda like: "Here Come Da WUSS! Here Come Da WUSS!"

Re PS - Tell MA that - YES, there is an Audition down here, in Ole Bawlmer, on 3/17, St. Patty's Day, no less, for TREBLE SINGERS - Ole St. Paul's School for GURLZ needs a new, Big, Strong, Eunuch Singer, for carryin' All their Luggage when the Choir goes on long Road Trips! Knave Eunuch ED Wuss-A-Lot would FILL THE BILL!

Re PPS - YES - Tell MA that - We have Travelin' Salesmen GALORE down here - many Major Corporations have been Hirin' them by the Dozens! Bring Her along for the Bawlmer BASH n' I'll make sure a Gang of them are Here!

Re PPPS - Viagra & men Suffering from 'ED' - this Factoid also SPLAINS a great deal! Eunuchs with BIG PENCILS ... but ... NO LEAD!

Re PPPPS - Sorry PEEWEE, I'll have to Decline yer Fine Offer for that Eunuch Convention, as Atlantic City is just too Damned Close to the Joisey Barrens n' 'DA BIG WUSS' - the combined malodorous SCENTS would be too much for my sensitive Nostrils!

Altho' I am better prepared than most, because of livin' across from 'SHIT CITY' ... How-some-ever I'm sure that 'Mephistopheles ED' will be 'In Good Company'!

LUV - Cuz Tom Sir Cur - The One-Eth ...

© - TKH.

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Recent articles by this author.     All articles by this author
  • CONJUGATION OF VERBS (Wednesday, July 22, 2015)
  • RENT (Monday, July 06, 2015)
  • Fun With Some CON Words (Wednesday, July 01, 2015)
  • RACISM (Saturday, June 27, 2015)
  • GOD BLESS THE @#%^ CORPORATIONS! (Friday, May 22, 2015)
  • BERRIES (Tuesday, May 19, 2015)
  • MEDIOCRITY ... THY NAME IS ... APATHY (Saturday, May 16, 2015)
  • TALK IS CHEAP ! (Thursday, May 14, 2015)
  • The BLIMP (Tuesday, April 28, 2015)
  • 9 / 11 : PRESS For TRUTH (Monday, April 20, 2015)

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