"Grief in the Classroom"Part I was pubished in Bereavement magazine. (Sept/Oct 2003;) and Part II is in Nov/Dec 2003 issues. It contains helpful ways for a school situation to deal with the grief of a student and it offers suggestions for schools' teachers, administrators, and counselors during the time of a death of student.
During my 20 some years of teaching high school, I had to deal with the deaths of several students. It was something that I was totally unprepared for. I felt inept in my approach to the grieving students and family members. I attended funerals, I spoke to parents, I wrote letters, and yet I wanted to do more. The untimely death of a child is unnatural, and the grief process that follows is very difficult to handle. Fear, confusion, and anger are a few of the many emotions that need to be addressed after a child's death. It is something that most of us as parents and teachers don't want to think about, let alone actually have to face. I don't remember any of my education classes that ever addressed this topic - "How to Deal with the Grief Process."
Unfortunately, I had to face this very real tragedy when my oldest son was killed at the age of sixteen. My son's loss changed my life forever. Even thought I immediately returned to the classroom after his death, I struggled on a daily basis for the next two years. I felt vulnerable and weak as a teacher. Yet, I think I became more real to many of my students who saw another personal side of me. I gradually gained strength through the help from many people, but I also recognized a void within the educational field in dealing with the process of grief. I came to realize what more I could have done for those parents who had lost a child prior to my own son's untimely death. I also learned what others in the school could have done for me when I experienced this type of overwhelming grief. I believe we can't always control the struggles or hardships in our lives, but we can control the ways in which we deal with them.
As educators, we are in a profession that is solely based unbuilding productive lives for our students. They are our future and when one is cut short, all of us are affected. Dealing with a myriad of human emotions comes with the territory of teaching, counseling, and administrating within our schools. Therefore, we must be able to relate to our students and colleagues in many difficult situations. The more we learn about real life crises, the more we benefit and are able to react in a positive and helpful manner.
The following lists are only suggestions to assist any school system i dealing with a child's death. Whether the child was a student at the school or a child of one of the faculty members, learning helpful ways in dealing with such difficult situations can aid everyone. It is a time when most of us don't know what to say or do to make things better. Even though you can never a better a situation like this, you can makes different in a positive way. You can make a difference on how you react to the tragedy and what you teach to your students, and I hope it is in ways that promote growth and healing for all those involved.
Suggestions for teachers, administrators, and counselors to help the grieving students as well as the family involved:
*Your physical presence at the funeral and/or wake is an invaluable comfort to the grieving parents and family. If you feel uncomfortable attend alone, then go as a group. Believe me, your presence says a great deal.
*Having some sort of student moratorium at the school can be helpful to many. My son's funeral was held at school. The entire service was student oriented - which included student and teacher eulogies, student choir presentations, student requested songs were played, and a student video in remembrance of our son was presented. Obviously, this choice is up to the schools and the parents, but I must say that this offered helpful closure for students as well as family and friends. It was a direct display of respect to us as a grieving family and to a student who was well liked by his friends and teachers.
*As a teacher or counselor, if you have any essays, paperwork, videos, any school work or records of the child, send them to the family. These are tangible memories of a child that a parent would appreciate and hold dear. It is a gesture of respect.
*Teachers find time for open discussion in the classroom to allow students to talk about the loss. If you feel uncomfortable with this, ask grief counselors to step in and direct the students.
*Another option for students to express their grief is to write about it. Ask the students to write their memories of the child. This can help them process their grief, and these notes could be given to the parents. When I received the myriad of notes from students who were allowed to write about my son, they were extremely comforting and helpful.
*Another physical act of expressing grief is the letting go of balloons (even notes of good-bye could be attached). This simple act of letting go helps release the grief and gives some sort of closure. This activity could be continued on certain occasions in memory of the student.
*If the child was part of your classroom, have the class create a scrapbook of memories. Then give the memory scrapbook to the bereaved family. Again this can help students deal with their own grief, and it is helpful in reaching out to the family.
*Contact a local Compassionate Friends group in your community or other grief support groups that focus on the death of children. There may be parents who have lost a child who would be willing to come in and talk about their experiences. Also, siblings who have lost a brother or sister may be asked to come in and talk about their feelings and what helped them through the grieving process. Your students need to be made aware of how families do deal with this grief. This can be invaluable to everyone. You may discover that you have students in your classroom already who were dealing with the loss of a friend or sibling and need some resource of understanding and help.
*If you don't feel the classroom is the appropriate seeing for such discussions, consider creating a support for grieving students and siblings at the school. A counselor would be useful at such meetings.
*Most schools are reptile to suggestions about creating positive ways in which to memorialize students. Memorial parks or garden areas at the school; simple donations of a tree or a bench in memory of a student; creation of an academic hall recognizing and honoring students in memory of someone; memorial scholarships; creation of a club in memory of a student; a "memory resource" fund could be established in which donations could be used for future memorials, murals, and other artwork are all options that could be implemented.
*As educators, try to remember the families during the very difficult times of holidays, birthdays, etc. through personal notes or other ways of contact. Try to keep the families in mind during that critical first year after the tragedy.
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