This is in response to a companion article featured in the He Said/She Said column on BasicBlaq.com.
Mae West once said, “A hard man is good to find.” She also quipped, “A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.” The burlesque queen was ahead of her time. She had her finger on the pulse of life; no qualms about being herself and no regard for what society felt about her behavior. She was larger than life and men worshiped her. For more of Mae’s humor and wisdom, visit http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/mae_west.html.
When I first set out to write this article, I wanted to have some references to pop culture that were as effective as Mae’s quotes and would help the reader relate to the subject matter better. A good friend suggested watching the movie “Hitch” starring Will Smith. I also chose to revisit a favorite of mine, “What Women Want” with Mel Gibson. Both films deal with the differences between men and women and the challenges of dating. In addition, I listen to Jill Scott a great deal and I own her book of poetry. She is a poet first and writes about things women encounter every day. I’ll be referencing her work as well.
I want to start with the movie “Hitch.” Smith’s character is a man who was hurt badly in his youth and now makes a living as “The Date Doctor.” His goal is to help men overcome the wiles of women without tripping over themselves. His specialty is the “loser” who, much like his younger self, is the geek that women seem never to notice. One line in the movie says, “No guile, no game, no girl.” I found this to be equivalent to Mae’s quote about a man with fire. If you are a boring so-and-so with nothing to capture my attention (i.e., no fire) I won’t find you interesting enough to give the time of day.
I’ve discovered that most times this type of man is desperate, clingy and needy. He just wants someone to talk to and prevent him from being alone. To me, this is no different than the “arm candy” some men prefer. She isn’t there for any purpose other than decoration. The truth is, if all you want is someone to keep you company, you are still quite alone. You could do just as well with an inflatable date. This man is primarily looking to end his loneliness and has no regard for your needs. During a date, he will sit there like a bump on a log and smile and nod, thinking to himself, “This could be the one.”
Because he’s more focused on ending his loneliness, he will not truly be present during conversation and he will seem insincere in whatever he says. “A woman can tell when you aren’t real,” is another quote from the movie “Hitch.” Will is instructing his client to listen to what his “target” woman is saying instead of thinking about other things and staring at her mouth. I found this particularly funny because I have encountered so many men that I’ve found immensely attractive who couldn’t focus on the conversation. If you are staring at my mouth and licking your lips thinking about what kissing me would be like, you’re probably not listening to the conversation. I think it’s a total turn-off. Pay attention; there will be a test later.
I think I speak for all women when I say I need a man to be my hero, not my ward. I want Bruce Wayne, not the boy wonder. I want to be swept off my feet, not sucked into a Hoover and left to deal with the other debris in your bag.
I don’t want to be “the one” for someone who isn’t confident and sure of who he is and what he wants from life. A man who is a little heavy, bald and not a super model may not provide the visual stimulation to turn my head as quickly as Keith Hamilton Cobb, but he can capture my heart post-haste if he’s imaginative and comfortable with himself. At the same time, the flashy, handsome man who is so fine you can’t stop staring is so accustomed to women falling at his feet that he will not put forth the effort it takes to win my attention. If you smile at me, my panties will not fly off. I don’t find you interesting either.
When you drag your carcass over to me and whimper your greeting, I’m not interested. If you slither up and deliver a line that sounds as if you’ve used it ten-thousand times before, I have a few cutting responses that I’ve practiced as well. If you have a confident walk, a winning smile and some fire in your eyes, you could look like Jabba the Hut, but you’d have my attention. Listen to Jill Scott’s “Cross My Mind” from her “Beautifully Human” CD. She sings about a former lover that stays in her mind. One reference in particular is about this man having “that masculine thing down. Back straight; never slumping; never round.” This is a man she enjoys watching because of how he looks, but the crux of her attraction to him is that he exudes masculinity.
Now, stop for a minute. Men, when you are attracted to a woman, what is it that captures your eye? Can you honestly say you notice the ones that although dressed well and lovely, they slump, shuffle and can’t make eye contact? It is my guess that the confident woman who takes command of a room by just entering it is the one you find most interesting. It’s no different for women.
In the film, “What Women Want,” Mel Gibson develops the ability to hear women’s thoughts by way of a freak accident. At first it’s driving him nuts because he’s a typical player and is shocked to discover that most women think he’s a jerk. Mel’s character works for an ad agency and his boss tells him that he’s hiring a woman for a key position because their “boy’s club” mentality is causing them to miss a large segment of the market: women. His boss, played by Alan Alda says, “…getting into a woman’s psyche is not exactly your strong suit. Oh, you can get into their pants better than any man on earth, but getting into her psyche, well, that’s a whole other matter.”
This type of man is usually the “eye catcher” for women. He has confidence but it doesn’t take long to realize that he’s not worth the skin he’s wrapped in. His confidence comes from the notches on his belt and he has no substance. The opposite of this type is the self-proclaimed “good man.” He will worship you, give you flowers, treat you well and never cheat or play you. He will take you to dinner and spend the evening spouting romantic fru-fru conversation and toasting your beauty. That’s all well and good, but I usually find myself asking, “What else you got?” If you bore me to numbness while you are romancing me, I’d rather just be alone with a good sci-fi novel.
My definition of a “good man” is the total package. He can romance me with imagination, not what he read in a book. He has fire, he is funny, charming and fun to be with whether we are cuddled on the sofa, sitting in church, riding a roller coaster or entwined in each other’s arms between the sheets. Here is where Jill Scott’s poetry really hits home for me. Her song, “Bedda at Home” describes two types of men. The head-turning man and the one that’s more desirable. Although the head-turner can “make me pull single dollars out my pocketbook,” the preferred man “loves my mind and feeds my soul.” This one also “breaks it down and curls my toes.” In the game of love, this man’s bases are loaded and he’s the clean-up hitter that knocks it out of the park. (I thought a sports reference would help you fellas understand where I’m coming from.)
So, all the self-proclaimed “good men” out there who believe that women prefer “players” to what you have to offer must understand that it isn’t only your “goodness” we want; neither is it the player we seek. It’s the whole man that captures our heart and mind and with those two items, the body is sure to follow. A man who is masculine, confident, intelligent, intellectual, witty, and is mature enough to treat us with respect and fire enough to make us laugh as well as make us think.
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