HOW TO GROW OLD TOGETHER--
Despite Lying, Cheating, Arrogance & Secrecy

Statistics tell us that in today’s America, 50 marriages out of every 100 end in separation or divorce.
In second and third marriages, the ratio is higher.

I’ve loved and stayed married to the same woman for over sixty-four years. Let me tell you why and how.

Having spent the first 38 years of my professional working life in a courtroom listening to the unraveling
moans of domestic breakups, I know that divorce most often means that you will lose ownership of half
of all the assets the two of you have acquired during your marriage. And that’s after your net worth has been
legally ravaged by attorneys’ fees! If you think it was tough raising a family while living in one household,
think about the emotional and economic challenges of supporting two households. Divorce teaches hard
lessons. So, why not avoid all this catastrophic trauma by choosing to love one person your whole life and
grow old together?

I’m asked frequently by separated and divorced persons to share the secret of my long and happy marriage.
I tell them that finding someone to share a weekend of sex with is easy but that having sex is
not the same as having a loving relationship. Owning and keeping a loving relationship with the secure
promise of growing old together takes dedication and commitment (just as success in one’s job and
career takes dedication and commitment).

In the haunting melody “The Story” sung by Brandi Carlile, we hear the wonderfully romantic refrain, “I
was made for you.” Sounds magically simple, doesn’t it? Yet in many published works and in the church-
sponsored program “Marriage Encounter,” we learn that love is a decision. First comes attraction and
infatuation followed later, perhaps, by loving each other.

A lifetime of honeymoon love is a fantasy based on the false assumption that you’ve married the perfect
partner. But the perfect partner doesn’t exist. We’re human beings with individual likes and dislikes
and unique personalities that for certain do not exactly match another’s.

I admit that over the years I’ve been attracted to dozens of women and have been infatuated with at least
a couple. Several times along the way, the prospect of ending my marriage entered my mind. In secrecy
and arrogance, I schemed and lied and cheated in pursuit of love, but I never made the decision to love
my paramours, that is, commit and dedicate myself to any of them. I created enormous marital strife
with my ego-centric and selfish “love” pursuits, and my actions inflicted agonizing pain on my steadfast and
treasured partner in life. I regret deeply every transgression. But, as they say in the courtroom, “You can’t
unring a bell.”

What saved my marriage was waking up to the fact that years ago when I asked my wife to marry me, it
was not only because I loved her but because I also admired and respected who and what she was. I
“picked” her, so to speak. It’s illogical to second-guess my own judgment. She is still and always has
been someone I love and admire and respect.

In the most important moment of my personal history, I made a life-changing decision. I consciously
chose to love and cherish forever the woman I married, no matter what. In all the years since, I have
learned that enduring love between spouses takes work. Forgiveness, trust, and understanding are
essential to an enduring love. It requires commitment and dedication and the belief that you can do it
or not do it.

If you want a committed, enduring love relationship for yourself, you and your spouse each must
consciously make the decision to love and cherish each other. Choose a time and place—such as
a weekend getaway—for the two of you to sit down together in “Growing Old Together” sessions where you
name all your issues and secrets and expectations and disappointments, and then treat them all as
learning experiences. Forgive each other and promise to get over the issues and avoid stewing about
them.

Just as in making a contract, you offer-and-accept your individual needs in open conversation until you
reach the point where you both agree and decide on a life-changing finality that is so important that you
each must speak it aloud one to the other: “I will love and cherish you forever, no matter what.” Then you
act on your decisions by giving the best of yourself to your partner, expecting the same in return.
Let these twelve simple words reinforce your decisions: “What I focus upon becomes reality. I have the power
to choose.”

You’re not perfect. There still will be times when you hurt each other, when you bruise the ego and soul
of your partner. But with a “Growing Old Together” commitment in hand, your marriage no longer will be
headed for a shipwreck. Each of you will have a firm hold of the rudder, and your marriage will be on
course to the glorious Safe Haven of growing old together.

Finally, adopt your own version of the “Good night” routine that my precious wife and I whisper to each
other every night, and never go to sleep without it—

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

“I’ll wait for you at Heaven’s Door.”

Growing old together—I guarantee it’s bliss on Earth.