Georgia House Votes to Allow Guns in Churches, Schools, and Bars
I am the mild-mannered Clark Kent type—cool, calm, and bespectacled. I look as harmless as a kitten up a tree. I'm also an expert marksman. I can shoot the testicles off a gnat from 50 paces. One persona is a subterfuge, the other is the real me. But I am not schizophrenic. I keep the killer in me—in me. I don't strut my stuff, and I don't pack heat. But enough about me. I just wanted to clear the air for those who might think I am some kind of wimp that can be pushed around. (Banish that thought, dude). Now let's take a look at what those pseudo tough guy back woods boys in the Georgia legislature are up to.
Just when you think you've heard the last from the creatures in the black lagoon, up jumps the devil. The Georgia House just voted 119 to 56 to allow guns in churches, schools, and bars—two of which make sense, but not the third (just kidding). For starters, we all know that alcohol and guns are a wedding made in hell. No semi-rational person would put the two together except to watch a herd of drunks thin out their own herd. It might be fun to watch on the big screen, but not in real life. Unless you happen to be in a bar where legislators hang out. In that place they should pass out a lot of extra ammo for free. And in churches? It would be hilarious to watch the preacher and the congregation in a shootout. Or the Baptists against the Catholics. You talk about your fire and brimstone! Bullets from the pulpit every Wednesday night wouldn't be for the weak of heart. But it might scare the living hell out of the heathens. There's nothing to be said about guns in schools. That's just plain nuts.
Why not carry this kind of legislative rot to its logical conclusion, reductio ad adsurdum, as they say. Let everyone carry guns, anywhere, any time, any place excluding schools. And let the “stand your ground” principle be your guide about when you are free to fire at will. That means (according to present Florida logic) that you are free to pull out your concealed weapon, and shoot to kill any time you have an inkling that the other person is a threat to you. You might get a hint by the quiver in your aforementioned genitalia, or by a pucker in your pucker string. If so, you would be protected by your own delusional state of mind to kill others at random. It's the law.
To be fair, all the loose canons do not abide in Georgia or Florida. They're everywhere—even in my hometown in Ohio. Last year our little roly poly legislative twerp introduced a bill to allow guns in bars and at sporting events. It passed and was signed into law by Ohio's Governor, John Kasich, a renegade from Pennsylvania. “Not to fear,” they said, “not to fear. Buckeyes are responsible.” Well, maybe they are when sober. Now I am waiting for the big game between Ohio State and Michigan at Horseshoe stadium. They have no problem packing 110,000 fans into the seats. Let's say the game is close, in the fourth quarter, the crowd is abuzz with anticipation, and also abuzz from Jack Daniels. The officials make a close call that pisses off one-half the crowd. A Wolverine stands up, and takes a shot at the official. Three Buckeyes return fire from across the field. They send the earth reverberating with a might cheer—rah! rah! rah!--and all hell breaks loose. Gunfire can be heard up and down the Olentangy river...
Midwesterners are good shots, drunk or sober. So, let's say 3,000 survive the onslaught. With a mere 107,000 bodies in piles around the stadium, do you think that maybe the Ohio legislature might come to its senses? Or would they praise their wisdom by declaring those left standing as the “survival of the fittest,” and go about their business? I will go with the odds and bet that these monkeys would become locked forever in the legendary wisdom of their own demented minds.
There was a time when lawmaking was considered an honorable pursuit. Disputes between and among the brethren were settled by duels. A single shot by the better shooter settled the score. Now it is like Newton's inverse square law: The farther some legislators stand from reality, the less they are affected by it. This much I know for certain: There is a point beyond which lawmakers cannot be trusted. That point today is when they declare they want the job.
There are 300 million stories in the land of the free and the home of the brave. This has been one of them. Amen.
Here is a link to the media loony farm story with the same title:
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