I'd teach you to park, but there isn't any space
Published by The Sentinel
Sept. 10, 2003
Kennesaw, Ga.
Expected to be ignored for the 9/11 tributes. Unfortunately, it wasn't. Happy note: all safety issues regarding student parking at KSU were quickly resolved.

There is an epidemic of stupidity in Kennesaw, and it has manifested in the operation of automobiles and where to park them. It is an age-old complaint common on KSU campus. Almost every student has, at one time or another, joined in the endless rant about he seriously endangered availability of parking. For a brief shining moment, the University bureaucracy came out of its catatonic state and seemed finally ready to solve the complaint by building a parking deck. But alas, much like the iridescent beauty of a sun-carressed soap bubble before it bursts, the dream of easily accessable parking was shot all to hell.
As soon as the first parking deck made its debut at the back and semi-accessable end of campus, the bureaucracy began to slip back into its catatonic state and proceed with its plan to incite the student body into a full scale riot. They started slowly, first by closing a much used access road to Chastain and beginning construction of another parking deck. Being used to such purposeful frustrations, the students kept their heads down and allowed only a murmur to escape their collective lips, and waited.
The it really began. The construction project that finally tipped over members of the student population that was already teetering on the edge of insanity began two weeks before the start of fall classes. They took the largest and most easily accessable parking lot on campus, and transfprmed it into a mountain of dirt and broken concrete. Then the alternate roads in and out of school was shut down and a single, narrow road was built to replace them. Since this raod was obviously designed by a sadistic drunkard, it guarantees that all traffic going through that part of campus would shudder to a halt like David Spade's career. Meanwhile, on the otherside of campus and on the other side of Old Frey, an alternate parking lot half the size of the one most recently destroyed was constructed in secrecy.
To make matters worse, the placement of these new parking arrangements declare themselves as monuments to the heights of blinding idiocy. I have walked around these parking decks, and I have spotted many a dark corner where some angry person with a vendetta against the world can snatch any hapless victim who crosses his path, and take his misdirected rage out on her. Not only is there ample space and oppurtunity for assault in the parking decks, but there is also a frightening lack of emergency boxes, phones, or anything else with which to call for help should a desperate situation arise. An even worse safety risk is the secret parking lot on Old Frey. It is a fairly large parking lot butted up against a dense and small copse of trees. This lot is in the possession of street lamps, both of which pail in comparison to the use of a good Mag light. (At least a Mag light makes a handy club in a time of need.) The combination of poor lighting, isolated location (the secret lot is located across the street from the newest parking deck and it adjoining construction)and dense shrubbery, this parking lot makes it the most ideal place for a sexual preditor to drag off his newest victim like a Viking on a raid.
Since the parking situation looks to be getting worse before it gets better, here are a few helpful tips to make campus life a little easier:
1. Walk to and from your vehicle in groups whenever possible. No one likes a face full of mace and that includes your friendly neighborhood pervert.
2. Keep in mind the length of your car in proportion to the parking space you're aiming for. No one ants to climb over hoods and trunks with bags strapped to their backs like overburdened mutant monkeys.
3. There is a reason for the little white lines painted on the concrete. Unless you enjoy getting in and out of your car via the windows, please try and park between and not on the lines.
4. If your car needs more than one parking space in which to park, LEAVE YOUR CAR AT HOME!!!!! Otherwise, everyone hates you.
5. Don't squat longer than it takes for someone to pull out of a parking space. You are blcking traffic, and you run the risk of some tardy and frantic student in an SUV deciding that he is in a monster truck rally and running you over.
6. Do not double park for any length of time. I cannot stress the purposeful rudeness of this act. Besides being rude, this really (explicative deleted) people off and no one likes your (explicative deleted) car or your (explicative deleted)face.