At times life can ge hurtful, but there are ways to lessen the pain.

            At one time another for all of us, life hurts. Although life can also be full of wonderful, exciting, fulfilling, enjoyable times, no one can escape times when for whatever reason life becomes emotionally painful. There could be many reasons for this, but nearly always another person is involved. Someone does or says something, perhaps intentionally, or thoughtlessly, or supposedly for our own good that wounds our spirit.
            What is our response? For many years I would console myself by wishing bad things for the other person. Maybe I even retaliated in some small way; sometimes I would temporarily find it helpful to tell other people just what this person had done; sometimes I would find a way to “get back at” in a way that I knew would also be hurtful. However, neither of these ways gave me any peace. Neither of these ways really solved the problem.
            It is only since I have become aware of what a gift forgiveness is that I have begun to find my life more peaceful. Forgiveness is not a gift to the other person. It is a gift I give myself. Actually, I have intellectually understood this concept for some time, but it is only recently that I have begun to take more advantage of its blessing.
            Many find it hard to forgive because they think forgiveness is some things that it is not. For one thing forgiveness does not mean forgetting. “I can forgive, but I can’t forget”, many people say. And that is true . We don’t have to forget, but forgiveness means we can remember without the pain. Remembering itself is not wrong; it may prevent us from having the same thing happen to us again. 
           Forgiving also does not mean condoning the behavior. It does not mean we have to say it was ok what was done to us. We have a right to feel the pain, and, in some cases, we also have the right to tell the person responsible how their words or actions have hurt us. At times, though, the person who hurt us is no longer living. And, in some situations, we may recognize that trying to discuss this, even in a calm, rational manner, would not work with a particular person.
          Last, forgiveness also does not mean that we continue to allow the behavior over and over, forgiving each time the most recent occurrence. In some cases, the reason we are angry with someone is actually partly our fault because we have not allowed them to know they were upsetting us the first time they did whatever was hurtful. Or, in some cases, we have not taken appropriate action to protect ourselves; in other words we left ourselves wide open for the abuse to happen, and then we felt justified in blaming the person who hurt us. Often, for example, I used to think that people who were doing things to upset me should “just know” that I was upset. But I have since come to learn that many times people are so focused on their own lives, they have no concept of how their behavior is impacting someone else.
        For a time our adult children would often call us after 10pm. That may be fine for some people, but I began to find that I could then not easily get to sleep since I was now “wound up” from the call.   I tried subtly saying that it was hard for me to get to sleep after our phone calls, but that made no impact. Then each time a late call came, I could feel my anger increasing. Don’t they understand, I would be thinking, that I have to get up early? Finally, I said that while I loved talking to them, I didn’t want any calls after 9:30pm, unless it was an emergency. Hence, one less thing to have to forgive. In the scheme of life that is a small issue, but it is an example of things we can do to somewhat lessen the hurts that can come our way.
            But what about the serious hurts, the ones that we had no reason to expect and did not deserve? How do we forgive them, and who cares if we do or not. Well, care we should because more and more the conventional wisdom from many sources is telling us that unforgiveness is more than just annoying—it can be damaging to our health and prevent us from really getting on with our lives. And besides it just doesn’t feel good. We cannot be peaceful when we have a grievance against someone.
           So, how to forgive. Here’s what I have learned; perhaps it will help someone else. People in pain cause pain. And, I am not so perfect either. Those two realizations have helped me both to forgive others and to forgive myself. People may not look like they are in pain when they are hurting us. They may look anything but. However, anybody in a good mood does not just decide to do something to hurt another. We know that ourselves. When I have had a good day, I am much better to be around than when I have not. And, we can never really know what another person’s life, or day, has been. It doesn’t mean there should be no consequences to their behavior, but perhaps we can give a bit more understanding.  We also give other people a lot of power when we don’t forgive them because we are the ones who are suffering, not them. So, not only have they hurt us by what they said or did, now that is compounded by our constantly dwelling on it. Someone has said, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping your enemy will die.”
           When I look at myself, I see that, undoubtedly, I also have hurt people, hopefully, most of the time, not intentionally, but still I am sure people have been hurt by my words or actions. I have to learn to forgive myself as well. Human beings cannot be perfect. We will all fall short of the mark at times. Often we have unrealistic expectations both of others and of ourselves
           Yes, life can hurt, but we can lessen that hurt when we make the choice to forgive.  It is indeed a gift we give ourselves.