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Yinka Dixon

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Heads Or Tails?
by Yinka Dixon   
Rated "G" by the Author.
Last edited: Sunday, June 28, 2009
Posted: Friday, November 14, 2008

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Many children grow up on nursery rhymes and hide-and-seek. These games are great for educational progression and character formation. Take "Heads or Tails" for instance. It is used to determine who does what, or who gets what. Adults usually introduce this game to kids as they grow.


Many children grow up on nursery rhymes and hide-and-seek. These games are great for educational progression and character formation. Take “Heads or Tails” for instance. It is used to determine who does what, or who gets what. Adults usually introduce this game to kids as they grow. Heads or Tails is used to settle disputes, even to to choose travel strategies, and select winners... Hence it is not uncommon to hear folks say “Heads, you win! Tails, you lose!” The outcome of whatever thus determined is usually accepted by all parties involved. Every coin has two sides.


A look at the coin shows that the “Heads” side, always has an embossed “head”, most likely to be that of the ruling monarch, king or queen of influence or choice. The other side usually has something else inscribed. The British coins, for instance, have different impressions of the “head” of Queen Elizabeth on one side, and “something else” on the “Tails” side. The coin is great for tossing upwards when something is at stake which needs to be decided quickly and “fairly”, and it is a generally accepted means of settling scores. The coin is tossed, and caught at chest level, as it is coming downwards, and quickly placed on the back of the hand, without peeping to see what was drawn. The other person must now choose “heads” or “tails”.


Coin-tossing is the easy way to settle scores. There are more complex and more painful ways that adults employ when things go wrong. Some of these even end in death, (homicide or suicide). Quite painful outcomes. When relationships go sour, everyone suffers. Even the friends and family of both parties are usually recruited to take sides, or face everlasting wrath. The children, perhaps, suffer the most, as they are forced to stay in unwelcome war zones in their own homes. Battle gounds are drawn, and the children's heart torn into several shreds, as they become the prized possession of the stronger voice, or heavier hand. The courts are not allowed to stand aloof either. Some women run to court to seek “vengeance”, and quickly resort to theatricals to butress their point. The poor Judge must fall to the side of the woman, being the “weaker sex”. There is shock for the man as he is told he must not return to his home, and must request the presense of the police in order to remove his personal effects. While this is acceptable in the cases of abuse, some women in Europe have now seen this as a way to “tame” their spouses. Thus the men are reduced to insignificant heads, worse than redundant tails.


Some women have been known to go to court to settle things that a coin-toss could have achieved. In fact, you would be ashamed to hear the real reasons some women go to court. Some just want to be “single again”, while some want the associated welfare department's financial benefits. Some others like to “eat their cakes and have it”, going to court for charges trumped up against the man, to get an injuction that keeps him out, while allowing him to visit for the sole purpose of performing his bedroom duties. Heavens help him if he begins to feel he is a “man” again, and relaxes into decision making in the home from which he has been excluded! A cursory, but eye-opening glance through a copy of a “Bluffer's Guides”, revealed that majority of men under-perform generally, even in the bedroom department, once their ego is badly bruised, and their self-esteem wanes. Most women are of the opinion that men have no “real” expression of feelings (except the one that shows love or anger). How wrong we can be. Men also worry, and fear, and panick, and become disillusioned, anxious... like normal people. In fact, believe it or not, they also bleed, and some even commit suicide. I once asked a 60 year old Irish man why he never married. He said he felt safer unmarried. He succeeded in avoiding the hassles of going to court if things went pear-shaped. In my mind, I saw a picture of a man who had been made impotent, with his hands tied to his back, led like a sheep to the slaughter. The new generation of men - docile, voiceless, sheepish, and tranquilised - bred specially for the new age women. The court system seems to be abused to suit greedy women, making it difficult to really sift out the abused from the abased. Is society breeding a generation of monster women? I wonder.


Relationships, to me, are like a two sided-coin. What each person experiences may be the same, but feelings may be expressed differently, just like the coin. Can anyone imagine a one-sided coin, with no “head” or no “tail”? They say “there are two sides to every story”. “They” are right. Statistics prove that “how” men feel, and how they express those feelings is essentially different from that of women. Every individual has a different expression of opinion or observation while looking at the same pictures. The same is true when recounting an incident. Looking at things from both sides, everyone's feeling is to be taking into account, and they are both right. It may be difficult to address the real problems of spousal abuse if women rush to court just to “claim maintenance”, or to “teach him some sense”.


Perhaps a closer look at what works and what doesn't in the first place will reduce time in court. Of course, lots of things need to be considered once the decision has been made to “throw him out”. The children, for one must have access to their dad. It is their right, and most who grow up with absent fathers grow up with so much deep-rooted bitterness. While issues like these cannot be decided by the toss of the coin, it is a good idea to try to see things from the other person's point of view, and have a time dedicated to constructive two-way interaction, not a shouting match. Before you head out to court next time, ask yourself this – are you abused, or just abased. Dont let your pride get the better of you, because once the courts close and the door shuts, observers go home to their own lives, and your man remains out in the cold. You alone will feel the pinch, maybe now, maybe years later. You alone have real answers to the questions buzzing in your head. Relax. Think carefully. You may even wish to toss a coin.

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