A MESSAGE TO ALL POTENTIAL FELONS

Crime doesn't pay?! Whatever stupid ass said that didn't know where to shop. In my twnety-two years of existence I've only been busted for (DELETED- it's in the original zine but I'm not about to post my rap sheet online- it's nothing violent or sexual and no drugs that's all I'm telling you). However, according to the laws of the United States I should have been prosecuted on multiple charges of (DELETED- see above) but I've never been caught! Haha!! How does one accomplice such a feat? Following the doktor's seven kommandments should help keep you out of jail.

Kommandment I - Thou shalth keep thy fucking mouth shut. Take a clue from 'Fight Club'. The first rule of commiting crimes, you don't talk about commiting crimes. Not before or after. If I had a quarter for ever time someone bragged about a good score with and getting busted soon after... well you know the rest.

Kommandment II- Thou shalth alter thy appearance. This can be simple or komplicated depending on the crime and your general appearance. Usually the use of glasses, sunglasses, hats, bandanas, and the like will suffice. Any distiguishing marks such as large scars or birthmarks, missing teeth or fingers, gold teeth, tatooes, piercings, facial hair, accented speech, etc. must be disguised.

Kommandment III- Thou shalth be fucking sober. Believe me there is nothing worst than being drunk or high and trying pull off a smooth crime. If you are fucked up you WILL make stupid mistakes like forgeting the other kommandments. In fact the only time I got caught was when I violated Kommandment III.

Kommandment IV-Thou shalth leave no fucking evidence. This includes but is not limited to foorprints, fingerprints, bloodstains, toolmarks, paint, hair, mud/ soil, tiretracks, photos, remaining weapons, drugs, firearm shells, documents, clothing, cigarette butts, glass, insulation fibers.

Kommandment V- Thou shalth plead non-guilty if caught.

Kommandment VI-Thou shalth avoid using public defender if caught.

Kommandment VII- Thou shalth think before doing the crime. Plan carefully, do your homework, and if it doesn't feel right don't do it. Think with the right head (yeah the one on your shoulders not the other one).