What Hurts The Most
by Laura Lee Fall
Rated "PG13" by the Author.
edited: Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Posted: Wednesday, November 03, 2010
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Domestic abuse and above all how I wish this would end as it is just wrong!
What hurts the most?
Is to hear often of domestic abuse that has certainly grown wide spread and out of control no doubt about this.
I have now come to meet many along my path dealing with this horrible issue in their lives and heartbreaking it is.
Since I had encountered all that they are going through as it started back for me in 1986 and after the birth of my first child.
Furthermore, I was just an eighteen old girl in all honesty and sure never knew what hit me after that first strike.
I also figured it must have been my fault of course as I was complaining about bills and nagging him constantly.
Therefore, did I deserve this or actually provoke it?
However, it would not end there and I recall other times as I did not even have to speak a word and suddenly belted right off the chair with him screaming in my face, “What kind of dinner is this slop!
I kept these incidents to myself for a while until it become to hard to hide bruises or just the way I was acting all jumpy and scared as my mother sure had asked, “Laura why are you so nervous?
Sad to say this life would remain quite some time and completely upside down it became.
Until one awful incident, as I had been beat unconscious and the outcome was it caused severe nerve damage and doctors told me just a slight blow to my head again would possibly be my end or totally paralyzed the rest of my life.
Sad to say that much damage had been done, as I cannot even drive a car anymore and most times just walking my legs go out and I lose my balance as a body can only take so much before it crumbles completely.
Of course I get highly upset as I feel forties is just too young to barely reach the end of a grocery lane without having to grab hold of something for support as your right leg has little feeling or much use now.
Furthermore, knowing my youngest is only seven and I cannot even ride a bike with him nor ever will now.
I read many other stories and articles about this dreadful situation that I am well aware of and it breaks my heart as I sure do know what it feels like and have been there and such a rocky road it was.
Sad to say the outcome was now I would possibly crawl down that path as the damage had been done on the outside and inside as well .
From dealing with police often at my door to court and even child services as they become furious when told to leave and seek revenge in hurtful ways.
However, good does overcome evil in the long run and I would walk away free and clear as all the false charges against me out of anger were dropped as truth also prevails in the end.
From young on I sure have come to see it all and go through honestly.
That is why this hurts the most to know and hear of how other women are facing this same issue of domestic abuse and very sad it is, my heart breaks for you all.
Furthermore, how sad it makes you become as I recall standing in the grocery line and the cashier kept looking at my black eyes as tears suddenly rolled down my battered face .
Then they rolled heavily as she said, “Its twenty dollars?
I hunted through my purse scraping change together as my youngest tugged at my arm saying, “Mama we have to put the candy back again?
In tears I looked down onto such an innocent face, quickly grabbed the twelve pack and told the cashier, "No take this back!
My child actually set their candy down saying, “No I do not need it much like me daddy needs that more” and I just lost it at that point.
Although I did not purchase that twelve pack and bought the candy as of course I sure paid for that as I come home and his basic need was not to be found.
Now at this point in my life and age forty-four .
I look back as I had blamed myself a long time wondering was it because I was to young and immature or did I complain and nag him about everything .
Furthermore, did I create most of my own pain and sorrow instead of adding fuel to the fire and just walking away the first time I crumbled to the floor from a powerful strike.
I chose to stay and involved little innocent lives as their hearts defiantly became broken the worst in the long run as they witnessed daily name calling on both ends and many more fights to come.
However, it was not that easy to just walk away, as they refused it and would not allow it actually.
Therefore, you do become stuck in this dark tunnel with no way out or any hope at the moment.
I cannot speak for the very many that live this daily as it has sure become an outbreak indeed.
However, I can say to always remain strong and know that as a mother you’d fight the devil himself for your children's sake. Furthermore, life is what we make it and the choice is up to you actually, as no one can make the desission for you and cannot tell you what to do in all honesty.
There is light at the end of the darkest tunnel and no matter how weak, tired and drained your feeling now and impossible it seems to be out of your reach.
Pull yourself through with every ounce of energy that you might have left as dealing with this it becomes less in the end and truly exhausting.
However, it is totally up to you at this point and you can either reach to the other side or remain trapped inside as a victim your whole life as this is not the way life was suppose to be and certainly not right or fair for anyone .
To add, a good friend of mine a few months back nearly lost her life due to this vicious cycle as she actually lost most of her teeth at only thirty some years of age so how wrong is this and very out of control it became.
Sad to say will it ever end or will there become many more lives actually of domestic abuse, as there are far to many now.
However, there is always two sides to every story and since I have spoke openly of many things throughout my life as my site now looks like an open book.
I have been asked some certain things as to what actually happen to my first abusive husband nor do we speak?
Truth not at all as he is much older now and sorry for all that happened.
Thankfully he seen the light and did overcome his demons and honestly tries now his hardest with our grandchild to make up for the years wasted with our two grown children as they just recently had been building a foundation with their father.
Furthermore, we tried to speak often and it was just not workable and the blame game, as apparently we brought the worst out in each other and best to keep our distance .
My two youngest boys as their father followed through anger management a few years ago and was verbally abusive and remains in their life as well as mine to an extent.
Nor did we ever marry and never will, as to me it would be fibbing to the man above.
Since marriage is sacred and should be magical with undying love for the other and not harsh name calling daily,as vows are suppose to mean something whole heartedly.
Therefore, the trust had been broken and my true heartfelt feelings vanished as the damage was done and after much counseling and overcoming the hurdles we became friends for the innocent little lives involved once again.
Sad to say hearts had been broken again and has a distance to go on mending the deep hurt or to completely trust that it will never happen again.
Since a table can suddenly turn within the blink of an eye!
However, there is always hope for a brighter tomorrow and one thing is for certain to never give up no matter how difficult and afar the end of the tunnel may seem to be now god given strength will pull you through.
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|Reviewed by Mark Lichterman
|As the date of this submission is 11/3/10, it is now near three years since your writing of this terrible story-- terrible that is in your husband's deeds and not the words that you have written. I know now your life has changed and that you and your children are safe and happy and do deserve all the happiness you can have.
Your friend, Mark
|Reviewed by karen logan
|Very real, I am moved by your candid honest words you share of your life.May the light guide you further then you can imagine, Thank you so much for sharing. Karen|
|Reviewed by Regis Auffray
|Harsh, real, and honest and thus very powerful and effective; thank you for sharing, Laura. Love and best wishes to you,