My journey started with despair, even long before the diagnosis, I recognized the symptoms and decided to cut ties with the ‘living’, including a loving girlfriend who never knew what went wrong. I wanted to spare her the pains of this journey, the path of thorns that I walked before and made everyone around me miserable and I would have to walk again.
‘2003’ was my first relapse, a hellish nightmare by all measures, even more hellish than what I am going through right now. A path filled with anger, betrayal and resentment. Why would ‘they’ try to force on me a life not worth living? Why would ‘they’ force my lungs to breathe mechanically when overwhelmed by septic shock and longing for suffocation? Death was my only ‘deliverance’.
Bone marrow transplant was finally done in June 2003 and I was given a second chance. I wasn’t spiritually ready at that time; I was trapped in rage and resentment; forgiveness was no where in sight.
Forgiveness for ‘injuries’, ‘wrongs’ and ‘abuse’ that plagued my life since early childhood till that day seemed impossible. Forgiveness, peace and mercy were so elusive; the ‘poison’ was contaminating my heart and soul.
I will not claim that I had an ‘epiphany’ and found Jesus; He’s been an essential part of my entire journey. Nonetheless, the ‘pastures’ were never green; the 'waters' were troubled and murky and the pain was ever nagging.
‘Mercy’ presented itself in the least expected way. A bike ‘crash’ that could have claimed my life has actually saved it, a ‘gaming friend’ has turned into a guide, mentor and comfort, and a ‘heart disease’ that will spare me the scourge of dependency in my last days.
Through my beloved ‘Willow’ I came back to the Bible that I have forsaken, through her guidance I reached out and was met with love I never imagined possible; I never thought I was deserving of such love yet it’s pouring on me ever more. She called me a ‘gift’ and ‘grace’, restoring my faith and confidence and easing the pains of the journey which she held my hand throughout, whispering the ‘sweet’ word of love on the way. Love so pure that does not ask for anything in return except to pay it forward which I hope I have done to the best of my ability.
I’ve been up all nights writing emails for the people who crossed my path, begging for forgiveness for my own ‘mistakes’ and forgiving the ‘wrongs’ that were done to me. I don’t want to wait any longer; the ‘stabbing pain’ in my chest is a constant reminder that this breath could be extinguished swiftly and then it would too late.
I want to thank all who walked with me, the ‘angel’ who gave me a part of her body so I could live and the ‘angel’ who gave me a part of her soul so I could forgive and be happy. What a blessed journey it has been!
Marc J. Kennedy
