One of the most important things that any of us can do to reduce friction in our lives, and strengthen our friendships, is to learn to keep our mouths shut at the appropriate times. Very little is ever gained by either party during personal arguments.  When we are arguing with another person we are usually concentrating on what we will say next, while our opponent is speaking, instead of listening to see if he or she could possibly be right.  Rarely do we change the views of others or have our own views changed during arguments.  Therefore, seldom does anyone really win an argument.      

Lifelong friendships have sometimes been destroyed by heated arguments, and families sometimes break apart and members cease to speak to one another because of the emotional aftermath of heated arguments. The effects of some disagreements can last for a lifetime because each disputant is waiting for the other to make the first step toward reconciliation. 

It is natural to disagree with others, but often it is better to keep the disagreement to ourselves than to risk confrontation that could damage a valued relationship. Sometimes the best solution is to simply agree to disagree over basic differences and avoid the almost always futile efforts to impose our personal views on others. We are all unique individuals, and none of us will ever meet anyone with whom we agree on absolutely everything. However, we can usually find areas of agreement.  Those things that friends disagree on are usually better left alone.

We must not, however, try to avoid arguments at all costs.  There are times when we feel so strongly about something that we must take a strong stand.  And when we see activities that are clearly cruel and unjust, we should scream our views from the mountain tops to all who will listen.  But there is a big difference between trying to further the cause of social justice and seeking confrontation with every individual who disagrees with us on any issue. 

One of the big problems we all face is knowing the difference between thinking we are right and actually being right.  Right and wrong are very subjective concepts, and most of us change our minds about a lot of things during the course of a lifetime.  In the words of Joseph Joubert, "The aim of argument or of discussion should not be victory, but progress." But emotions usually get in the way of reason, and thus progress, in most verbal arguments. If we have a tendency to frequently get into heated arguments with others, shouldn't we ask ourselves whether such action is of any value to either us or anyone else?  

Copyright 2014 Allen Smith

TB-93—Posted 06/25/2014

NOTE:  Please feel free to download these essays and reproduce them for others.  If a particular essay seems to be especially helpful to you, please pass it on to as many people as possible.  Thank you!