A Cat Burglar in the Family
edited: Thursday, May 22, 2003
By David John Taylor
Posted: Sunday, February 16, 2003
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A True Crime report of 'The Twins'
This is to inform interested parties of the possibly illicit activities of the potentially criminal organization known as 'The Twins'.
Thursday, 16 January, at approximately 1500 hours, the warden known as 'Grandma', responsible for day monitoring of the twins, informed this agent that recent heavy winds had knocked down a corner of the backyard fence. Exercise facilities have been established in hopes of occupying The Twins with positive healthy distraction in said yard. Upon inspection, this agent determined the following: While most of the southern fence is a seven foot tall cinderblock wall, a six foot breach exists that has been secured with a thin bamboo mat about six feet tall. This mat being up to this point effective in keeping each neighbors' dogs in their respective yards, this agent proceeded to re-establish this barrier, securing all corners and noting that the mat sat squarely against the ground to discourage digging on the part of the dogs. This agent did note that his repairs were closely monitored by The Twins, but did not think anything of it at the time.
Friday, 17 January, having made a run to Costco to secure photographs of recent reconnaissance patrol to the Last Chance Canyon and Trona areas in the Mojave Desert, this agent and his ward, Alex, arrived later than usual at Grandma's, roughly 1530 hours, to find Grandma in a state of great vexation. What follows is the events as understood by this agent:
At roughly 1450 hours, Grandma, having been watching The Twins through the kitchen windows as they exercised on the play set in the backyard, suddenly became aware that The Twins were no longer in sight. Upon exiting into the back yard, Grandma began to search for The Twins, calling them by name, Nicholas and/or Kellian. Not receiving a positive response, she proceeded past the hedge into the furthest backyard where the damaged fence had been repaired only the day before.
Indeed, the fence had been breached. Further inspection by this agent after the fact shows that The Twins, not intimidated by the bamboo matting, had found a weak spot, and simply burrowed through, gaining access into the neighbor's backyard, where they now had escaped to.
It gets worse.
Grandma started yelling for the twins. Nicholas immediately returned and surrendered to custody. From personal experience with this perpetrator, I suspect he had his infamous 'I tried to stop her' look on his face. Kellian, (AKA Golden Girl, Little Gorgeous, Missy, Gnat Napper, etc) brazenly ignored Grandma's commands to return, audaciously answering with an occasional "Ye-sh" to Grandma's pleas. Nicholas, in what I suspect was an attempt to distract the Grandma, began indicating that he needed his diaper changed.
It gets worse.
Kellian stopped responding to Grandma's calls. Though the escape route in the fence was large enough for the twins, Grandma could not possibly access the neighbor's backyard in the same manner. Knowing that the neighbor works until five, Grandma suddenly considered the possibility that Kellian might have found an escape route out of the neighbor's back yard into the front yard. Fearing for the safety of the community if one of the twins should be released upon an unsuspecting neighborhood, Grandma rushed to the neighbor's front yard.
Nicholas, meanwhile, seeing that his diaper ploy was neither distracting Grandma nor getting his diaper changed, crawled into his playpen and fell asleep.
Not finding Kellian in the front yard, Grandma engaged the playground monitor standing just inside the playground fence, which is the area on the other side of the neighbor's yard. The monitor reported that she had indeed seen a little girl in the next door neighbor's yard, viewed through a chain link fence between the yard in question and the playground, but that she could not at that time see the suspect.
Grandma, hoping that Kellian had come to her senses and returned to custody, re-entered her backyard, only to find no Kellian.
It gets worse.
Grandma tripped and fell in the backyard. Since Grandma is a 77-year old woman, She could not get up. At this point Grandma would have been well in her rights to have a heart attack, but chose not to, at this time. She proceeded to crawl toward the house, knowing that society at large was in danger if the delinquent should escape into it.
The front door bell began to ring. Grandma called out, stating that she had fallen and could not get up, that whoever was at the door should enter and assist, then continued to crawl toward the house. Finally the garage door opened.
In stepped the next door neighbor, Kellian in custody. The neighbor, who normally works until five, had inexplicably gotten off two hours early. Entering her domicile, said neighbor came face to face with a little girl she recognized as one of 'The Twins' from next door, sitting in the hallway. Kellian coolly looked up from the spot she had settled in and went "Hi!" to the entering homeowner.
Having caught the perp red-handed, the neighbor proceeded to interrogate Kellian. How did you get in here? Kellian indicated the doggy door. What's your name? At this point, the suspect chose the standard criminal stance of playing dumb until her mouth-piece arrived. She shrugged her ignorance. Where's your home? Where's your grandma? Each question drew the same shrugged shoulders.
The neighbor determined at this time to return the suspect to the appropriate authorities. She suggested that they go find the perp's grandmother. Kellian, (AKA Shirley T, The Little Princess, etc,) thought about this, then clapped her hands and exclaimed "Yay!"
Upon this agent arriving at the Grandma's and being informed of the attempted escape, I went and inspected the still fresh scene of the crime. I then returned to Kellian and proceeded to roundly chastise her for nearly giving Grandma a heart attack. Predictably, the mastermind showed no sign of remorse, indeed, she seemed quite proud of her impudent escapade.
The fence has now been replaced with quarter inch plywood, reinforced with decorative stone around the base to discourage digging by both dogs and twins. Requests for barb wire and electric fencing hardware was denied, the possibility that these items might be used against the Grandma being suspected as the reason for the abjuration
One question this agent asked: What about the neighbor's dog? From what can be surmised, Kellian chased the dog in question, which is about the size of half a chihuahua, until the poor animal found a place where the Kellian, (AKA; The Squeezer) could not mug it.