FUTILITY

The Past unforgiven, condemns the present to be perceived as the same.

The future, unrelenting, repeating the patterns of the past, is without hope.

This dance, this other reality is not me, is not you, but cannot be changed.

Cannot be changed, because you will not forgive me, will not forgive yourself.

 You will not let me move forward from that past. You will not move forward.

You will not allow that people change. That you change. That I change.

You see only what you want to see, from your perspective. Not mine.

And so to you, I am unchanged and unforgiven. Chained to futility.

I am not saying that I am perfect, was perfect. I never made that claim.

You put my on a pedestal and forbade me to fall. I faltered. Lost my footing.

You hate me for my humanity. You hate yourself because I reveal yours to you.

Together we are chained to the futility of what you will not let go of.

Your hatred, judgement, unforgiveness, not only condemns my past.

It condemns my choices, my secrets, my revelations, my thoughts and dreams.

It condemns ME to my past, never escaping, always reliving

What I cannot change because you will not let me change, you will not change.

All that I am. All that I have learnt and become. You cannot see.

You are blinded by your own hatred. Your own guilt and fears.

It is not me you do not see, it is yourself, and all that you are afraid of finding there.

It is not me you cannot forgive, it is yourself for being human too.

We make choices, decisions, take pathways we see as best at the time.

Hindsight is clever, wise, farseeing. But it is not NOW, or then.

Is not the multitudinous moments of the past as we are living them.

Hindsight is the space between this moment and the next.

It is the space to learn, to reassess, to change choices, but not to judge or criticize.

That is for the fearful, and if we are learning, evolving, then there is nothing to fear.

Past, Present, Future Just Is. I know you hate me, I know you hate yourself.

I am sad but I do not hate you. Cannot hate you. I see only the journeys.

I do not judge you. I understand that even now, in this moment of pain

Of separation, of misunderstanding that you are making the best choices you can

With the information you have. You could perceive differently. You don’t want to know.

You don’t know how. You choose to not know. I know your pain and can do nothing

I know your pain, watch your pain, feel your pain, am your pain.

Your pain is projected upon me both as my own and as my fault

My fault, my guilt, my blame. I could choose to reject it all. I do not. Cannot.

To reject you is to reject my very self, my soul, my gift, my reason to live.

And yet

Is it reason enough. Can one rise above the pain, the judgement, the denigration

And Remember and live. I do not know. I have no answer. Save that yesterday I rose.

Tomorrow, perhaps I will too. But this day. This space between the moments I am not sure.

 I am not sure that I will ever rise again. I am tired of the hate. I am tired of understanding

Tired of getting up for what. For another day of getting up. There are too many of them.

Perhaps I am finished, the lessons learnt or the teacher failed. I do not know. I care.

But I am weary of caring, of trying, of Being. Oh futility how true your name.

Hope, belief, love, me thinks you too are spelled futility.

What purpose do you serve other than to deceive, bewilder. The best of intentions.

The highest of dreams all come to naught if there is no learning, no changing, no forgiveness.

There is only futility, and if one is brave, sweet death. I am not brave. Another failure.

To die would be dignity. I have none. Even that you have taken. Futility is all I have.

Futility is all I have, is all I am. I am not dead. Neither am I alive.

I exist. I exist in the prison of futility. Only you have the key.

Will you release me, or is death the only release

I want to live. I want you to live. Can we. Can I. Will you allow it. I do not know