I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DIE

I do not know how to die

Do you

Neither do I know how to live

Can you

I exist but I do not live

I have thought death was easy

It is not

How does one die

Deliberately

Without harm to others

One cannot

Family friends all left

To wonder why

Perhaps they will wonder

What did they not see

But I think not

Perhaps they will be angry

Unforgiving  Guilty

As in life so in death

Life Death

Is there really any difference

Of course

I am alive I do exist

In some form and manner

I talk speak take action respond

Although paradoxically

It is not being heard

Not seen

Not listened to

Unacknowledged

Unvalued disrespected non-Being

That creates Existing

And destroys Life and Living

I think that I could live

But I don’t know how

What is Life

Living Being

Does anyone really know

Do you

I don’t

There is the quandary

I want what I cannot have

Cannot have it

Because I do not know

What IT is

What it is to be alive

What is Life

Is it breathing creating loving

I breathe

Am I alive

I create

It is destroyed

I love

 It is lost

All gone

But then did it really exist

Or is all just the fantasies

Of a deluded mind

You say so They say so

I do not

But then the insane do not know

They that are so

You think you know reality

I think I do too

And yet we differ

Do either of us really know

Is the illusion a delusion

Or the illusion of a delusion

Insanity is close

So is death

Which one will reign

Succeed

I vote for death

Hope for death

But know it will not come

It cannot come

I know not how

It would if I could

I cannot

Dare not

Instead I condemn myself

To living death

I am dying

Slowly incessantly

Continuously

I must

There is no living

No life no purpose no co journeying

I am alone

Lonely alone Isolated

A corpse walking

Do not look for me

It is too late for us

I am gone

Gone to the depths of despair

Loneliness Unforgiveness

Build me a coffin with your words

It is already done

I will lay in it forever

Sweet release

Encompassed round

This coffin lasts forever

Forgotten unforgiven unreleased

I built a world

Of hope for change

For turnings and for healing

It’s made of cards

It cannot stand

Cannot survive

The railing bitterness of the past

I watch

I wait

For that faint hope that comes

With each new dawn

Look to myself

Trust in myself

And try to believe

My reality is not fantasy

Not figment not perception

Nor delusion wrought from pain

Who can tell what reality is

Who is the judge

Who decides

Is only mine in doubt

Are you so self- assured

That you know the truth

And knowing

Know mine is not

Cannot be

Oh perfect judge

Wisdom personified

How can I doubt you know me well

Know me better than I myself you think

Know my choices my reasons

Know ME

Or so you say

And yet do you know yourself

I am a reflection of you

Now who do you judge

I or you

I do not know

You do not know

We do not know

We journey

Together

Without knowing each other

Strangers in our perceptions

Strangers amidst the knowing of

But not about

I do not know you

You do not know me

We are strangers

We are lost

Lost to ourselves

And to each other

Lost to life

And to death

Lost in existence

Deceived

Thinking it be life

We are corpses together

You and I

Dead and yet living

We share

The coffin

Of your judgement

Forgive me

Forgive you

I want to live

Don’t you