This Day is Not the Better Time to Die

I found myself in the same place

Where

Before

I had tried to commit suicide

Now here I was again

With the same pain

This time no one would come

There is no one

To realise my intention

No one

To recognise the signs

Just me

And my thoughts

Perhaps not rational thoughts

But thoughts just the same

I do still have some grasp

On reality

I know this because

As I sit here

I am wondering

Did all those years of delay

Make any difference

Here I am

Same place

Same intention

Has anything really changed

Would it have been better

If I had succeeded

That first time and prevented

All that has occurred in between

In a moment of manic humour

I think

I am living my own Final Destination

Perhaps I am not as rational

As I thought

Which given I am sitting here

Struggling to resist suicide

Might be my only rational thought

I think about my children

And grandchildren

They would not exist

If I had died so young

Do I know if they are happy

Enough to justify

Me having created

Their existence

By living

I know now

These thoughts and plans are a

Genetically inherited tendency

To suicide and depression

Perhaps they have it too

Perhaps all I have done

Is passed the curse on

Which is all the more reason

To doubt

The value of my existence

 I try to look at the past

 As though I was not there

 I see a black river

 Running through the years

 It is the nonexistence of me

 The me not in School

 Not married

 Not working

 Not knowing

 Or being known by others

 Not being sister aunt daughter Mother friend

 The non-existent me

 Leaves black holes

 In history's pages

 But are any of those moments

Really missed

 If I had not existed

 Past childhood

 My children would not exist

 But then logically

 They would not know

 Of their non-existence

 But they are here

 And I am glad

 A glimmer of Light

 In this darkness that is me

 I detest my existence

 Am overwhelmed

 By the hatred and abuse

 Of the past

 That is my present

 So then

 Which unsuccessful attempt

 Of the many

 In the passing years

 Would have been the better one

For success

 In this procrastination of death

 When would have been

 The better time to die

 Before marriage

 After the births of children

 Perhaps after the grandchildren

 But there are more of those to come

 Even now I cannot know

 I longed so much to go

 When my father died

 Gone from me

 The one absolute

 The one unconditional

 Unchanging love in my existence

It was the legacy of that love

That saved me first

That made me stay again

Stay for hurting children

Just for a little while longer

I thought

Strange how

Becoming so de- energised

By grief

Can make even death

 Seem too much effort

We struggle on

Like a swimmer in the waves

 Grasping for air

 Tossed exhausted to the shore

 Neither alive or dead

 Forced back to life by another

Another's need

 Another  hope

 A glimmer of light

 Until once again

 We find ourself drowning

 In the despair of our existence

And the exhaustion

 Of having journeyed so far

 Only to return back

 To that beginning so long ago

 I sat in that place

 For a very long time

 I saw and felt myself disappearing

 Into the welcoming safety

 Of non being

 Sensed it

 Loved it

 Longed for it

 I journeyed once again

 To the brink of that reality

And

Felt the beauty of its peace

And there I stopped and waited

No one came

No other knew my pain

But on the doorstep

Of that sweet release

I knew

I knew I could not leave

Without explanation or good bye

To do so may cause another

To knock on that same door

I have no fear of entering

And no joy in staying

But I fear

To cause the same pain

To another

That I have lived with in my life

I know my life

Has given others pain

Gives it still

The knowing

Burdens me beyond living

But does my not living

Burden another more

When non existence

Is chosen in this way

I do not know

I have no capacity for such logic

I only know

That I must stay a little longer

The pain of Being

Must be endured for now

And

Perhaps for hope

So not today

The cycle of this life turns again

I will Cry Sleep be Silent

And

Eventually

Find the will to go on

I do not know

When Death will come

Only that

This day

Is not the better time to die