THE LIGHT IN MY DARKNESS IS YOU

 Beautiful baby you

Where do you go

In those brief moments between mouth and plate

One moment receiving food, willingly, hungrily

A Nano gift of normality

And then

As I turn

Another spoonful to acquire

You are gone

Gone to that nether land within yourself

Somewhere Nowhere Who can know

You are not here

But where is there

I wipe your face

Gently, no intrusion into your absence

A butterfly kiss upon your beautiful lost self

I remove the toys from the high chair tray

All potential missiles

In the Now yet to come

I want so much to take you into my arms

To hold you

To call you back

I cannot

It will only make what is to come

Worse

I may harm you with my love

I ensure the harness on your high chair is not too tight

Yet tight enough

To protect you

I turn on the music

Your music

The music that has soothed you so many times before

Will it again

I talk to you

Quietly lovingly

Willing you to return to this Now

To me

Gently

As one re-enters a room

It happens Sometimes

But more likely

That volcano

Of uncontrolled and unexplained energy from within

Will erupt upon us all

Tearing you from your other world trance

Plunging you into a violent re-entry through spasms

Thrashing and jerking you like a rag doll

As though it would tear your very soul from your body

It has begun

No quiet transition this

I watch

With the eternal agony of long experience

And the faint hope

That as previously

This will be but a brief moment in the many

And you will survive

Finally

Terrifyingly

You are quiet

Stilled with exhaustion

Spent with tears groans and those fearful screams

I raise you from your chair and take you to myself

All rigidity and resistance gone

You are limp in my arms but your head is upon my shoulder

Some small connection to comfort and warmth

An innate moment of oneness

When child and mother are one

Cherished

Yet horrifying

That it must be born of all that has come before

You will sleep now

Possibly for many hours

Your sleep

Has all the appearance of one who slumbers in the peace

And contentment at the end of a happy day

It is an illusion

You sleep

But you are not there

Here

Not yet

Eventually I will hear that sigh

That change in breathing

That will tell me all is well

The transition

From pseudo coma to sleep has occurred

You are safe

You will sleep

I will sleep

Tomorrow may be a better day

Or this day may have been the better of the two

I do not know

I cannot prepare for it

I cannot change it

I can only take one day at a time

One day This day Each precious day

Each day of thankfulness

That no matter what the challenge

You are alive

It is enough

I cannot ask you

What you want to be when you grow up

I cannot ask myself

If I can do this day

Day after day

For the rest of your life or mine

That is too big a question

The enormity is incomprehensible

Unanswerable

Save to say

I Will that I will

I ask the Universe for the strength

And the faith I need

We need

For this day and every other “this day”

That I am granted the privilege of being your mother

Of you being my teacher

My light

My life

You cannot hear it

Know it

Understand it

But I must say it still

That the Universe and I may hear

And know it to be true

I LOVE YOU