Dedicated to the memory of my brother-in-law Ralph, who died 13 years ago of AIDS-related pneumonia

Beloved
brother,
friend of mine,
diseased
and dying,
stricken –
    why you?
    why now?

Condition that
ravages your life,
ruptures your dreams
is so misunderstood.
Its modern-day
scarlet letter
marks you as
untouchable.

We stepped
lightly, carefully,
when the secret
came out
and walked
in wide circles,
called it common-sense
protection.

In your eyes we were
circus clowns
gathered ‘round you,
the lonely spectator,
your attention diverted
momentarily from pain
by performers preoccupied
with entertaining themselves.

Later, we sat with you
but often found no words
and, in our youth, rashly
turned our wordless pain
to anger directed
toward each other,
retiring early, rising
late each morning.

Outside the room
where we shoved
each other
you, the dying man,
waited, praying
for a peace
that never came
for us.

At the news
of his death,
we lay
in pools of grief,
stricken,
asking
    why you?
    why now?