Off-Handedly, Hiawatha

By Henry (“it’s a Longfellow”) Wads-worthy

On the shores of Gitchee-goomie,

In a far-off, ancient time,

There camped a brave young warrior

Who drank himself sublime.

“Why, oh why, brave buddy”,

Asked all his friends so true ,

“Do you drown yourself in alcohol,

Til it turns your red skin blue?”

“Alas”, spake young Hiawatha,

In words one hardly heard,

“My dog has up and left me

And my girl thinks I’m a turd!”

On hearing this sad tale of woe,

From their Hiawatha’s lips,

His warrior friends came near to him

To offer up some tips!

“First off”, said one to he,

“Your dog can be replaced,

And second, more important yet,

“Minnehaha had bad taste.”

“So take fresh heart and listen up,

You’ve still got both your hands;

Go make a date with Rosey Palm

And exercise HER glands!”

On hearing this, the troubled lad,

Did straightway come to rue

All those who say a hand-job’s not,

The same as a female screw!

In days to come, so did our lad,

With imagination’s aid,

As in his mind he fantasized

That he was getting laid!

On the shores of Gitchee-goomie,

In a far-off, ancient time,

There camps a brave young warrior

Who thinks "by-hand’s" just fine!