This story written for my wife where I am the subject. It occurred in 2009 at the end of the recession. Don't bite your tongue since it is against your cheek.
Dear Pastor David,
I must apologize to you. I went on a horrifying journey this morning and should have asked for your prayers before taking on this terrifying and heroic act.
I sold windows for the steel industry and face 300 tons of molten metal on a regular basis. I fearlessly walked through sparkles of liquid steel and climbed to heights overlooking the ground by 100 feet. Yet, none of this prepared me for the fear I faced today. My lovely bride of 15 years wanted a sweater for Christmas and it is too hard to tell what they looked like or felt like from the internet. I had to go to the mall this morning.
I laid my plans for this operation with precise detail. I heard Macy’s had great deals. I searched the internet and found Macy’s and the door closest to the women’s department. I quickly entered the store and immediately found two sweaters, which both fit the bill. I became a little nervous since I had been there almost two whole minutes. As I glance around trying to make a decision that could forever affect my future, I noticed a woman shopping and asked for help. She was gracious enough to help me. She explained the solid red sweater would make it easier to match it to other clothes. Armed with this knowledge, I made the decision.
By now, I was in the store almost five minutes and to have what I thought was the hardest part of the shopping trek done is within my plans. I needed something else for under the tree. In the past few weeks, she has mentioned needing new bras and has gone without bubble bath since July. As happen chance would have it, I passed a display with Harry London Buckeyes on sale for $5.99 and picked up a box. Now, I had a sure fired hit for Christmas. I saw what looked to be a bath area next to the perfume counter at the other end of the store.
I was as far away from the door I came in as possible without leaving Macy’s. My palms were sweaty and my hands are shaking, but I was still within my plans. Being the good husband I am, I trudged on. I engaged the clerk at the counter and explained what I am seeking. She had one kind of bath soap in a ginger flavored, which I know will not go over well. “Is there anywhere else I can go?” was my query.
“Bath & Body Works.” She continued by telling me it was in the mall by J.C. Penney.
This was where the journey got foreboding as I left my plan of attack. There were kiosks throughout the center of the mall with people selling things I do not want. They called to me like the Sirens in the Odyssey with sickly sweet voices. I was able to pass many of them up but one left the rocks of the kiosk and lured me with a “free gift.” In her mesmerizing way, she commanded me to hold out my finger. She started to rub it with a blue and white block. Then she asked if I wanted to be amazed. She removed the block and now I had one shiny fingernail. She tried to lure me into her vortex of amazing nail care, but I got away.
Then I saw Victoria Secrets. Aha, a new bra, that might just do it. I remembered my wife’s size. I can do this and so I entered the store. As part of my plan, I arrived early to avoid the crowds of confusion. This meant better service. A warm and caring face pleasantly greeted me. "I am looking for a bra for my wife," I mentioned with as much Christmas cheer as possible. I thought was prepared but I obviously failed to study for this test. Knowing her size is not nearly enough information to buy a bra. This test started with color, ended with barrage of style and fit questions. I felt as if I was in High School again and the teacher had a surprise test. I scurried out of the store as fast I as I could.
I came across J.C. Penney but could not find Bath & Body Works. There was a directory there and I found where I had to go. I went to the front entrance to J.C. Penney and I should have gone to the back entrance, therefore, another long walk through the Odyssey. It was about this time, I started to repeat in my head, “Though, I walk through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil.” I really should study the Bible more, because it would have helped to know the rest of that passage. I have been at the mall for over twenty minutes and I started to feel the high anxiety.
I found Bath & Body Works. Again, I got immediate attention when I walk into the store. I explained, "I am looking for something women put in there bath to feel happy."
“Oh, aroma therapy bubbles” she replied with a greeting smile and takes me over to them. “These are our most popular,” she continues. She babbles on about softness and smells but by that time, I just wanted some and get out. I quickly chose a Vanilla and Milk & Honey. They both smelled like soap to me. I made a high tail for the Macy’s exit, which I came in. I got out just in time. I was a nervous wreck fumbling with my keys trying to get into my car and I have remote unlock button.
Oh, the treacherous journeys a man will make for love are more amazing than one shiny fingernail.
A humorous look at the world and life through my eyes.
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