'm so bored, even them tumbleweeds out there blowin' cross the desert is havin' more fun! Ain't nothin' ta do in this two-bit town, not since ma cousin Lulu-Bell set the whole durn thing on fire!
Used ta be, this was a right nice town. Had a pool hall, swimmin' pool and even a Chucky Cheese. Come an evenin' ya'd find the guys at the pool hall, the teens at the swimmin' pool and the little kids with their maws at the Chucky Cheese. Sumin' fer everyone and we did all right.
Now a for I go any further, let me explain' 'bout my cousin Lulu-Bell. That gal, she's got a wild hair up both sides a her nose and they's constantly a quiverin'. Normal folks run an hide when she shows up, cause they's always trouble 'bout ta happen. She don't live here, she lives out in the boonies with a bunch a dogs big enuff ta ride on and a mule. She comes ta visit me though, and once in a while I don't see her truck in time ta hide.
That's what happened this one night, 'bout two months back. I was jest settin' down ta a right nice supper a bar-b-que ribs and tater salad, when the door bell started ringin'. Sounded like some kid was standin' on ma porch, leanin' on the thing with stick. Don't take too much more'n that to announce Lulu-Bell's presence and I knowed right then I was in trouble.
I shoulda jest left her standin' on the porch but she'd a stood there fer an hour and kept punchin' that bell, which had already gotten on my last nerve so I strode ta the door, flung it open and got flattened 'gainst the wall as Lulu-Bell and six a her dogs come waltzin' in without even a howdy-do!
Now them dogs, they was some big breed, named after some mountain chain some where's which I can't never remember, but they stands taller'n my table and they made short work a my dinner. I weren't too happy 'bout that and let Lulu-Bell know I weren't. She 'pologised, said she was sorry, then offered ta buy me a new one. I should'a knowed better'n ta accept but see'n as I was hungry, I said ok.
Well it took Lulu-Bell 'bout ten minutes ta wrassel them dogs back outta my house and inta her truck, which she finally did by flingin' a big ol' steak in the back, then we both jumped in and roared off outta the driveway.
Now there use ta be a right nice little joint 'round here what served up good bar-b-que and that's where we headed. Should'a asked fer a salad instead but I weren't thinkin' with anything but ma stomach. That joint was packed, folks still sittin' in their cars waitin' ta get in, when we pulled inta the parkin' lot.
That didn't bother Lulu-Bell none, she jest hopped outta the truck and made fer the door. She figured she'd jest get it ta go and we'd be off, lettin' the rest a the folks keep waitin' fer a table. Them dogs, they figured ta join her too, and they all barreled outta the back a her truck soon as she disappeared inta the door, and made a bee-line fer the place.
Now a normal dog, he'd jest sit down outside the door and wait, seein's how a normal dog couldn't open the door. But not them dogs. They was big, like I said, and all six of 'em hit that door at the same time. The door flew open, and all six dogs got jammed in the doorway, stuck tighter'n a fly sittin' in a puddle a molassass. They was rasin' the roof, hollerin' and barkin' and carryin' on somethin' nasty.
Well the customers on the other side, they couldn't get out and the dogs couldn't get in and the folks in the parkin' lot was startin' ta think real quick 'bout goin' some wheres else. The management musta called the fire department cause a few minutes later a big ol' hook n ladder come pullin' inta the parkin' lot, it's lights flashin' and sirens blarin. Them dogs was already howlin', being stuck and all, and them sirens jest made 'em howl louder.
The firemen, they didn't know what ta do. They was used ta getting folks outta cars, and houses and all what was set on fire, but not dogs in a doorway, and they stood 'round scratchin' their heads and thinkin. Finally one a them decided ta use that jaws a life contraption and try ta get the dogs outta the doorway with that, so they dug it outta their truck and started in.
Them dogs didn't like the idea much and started wigglin' somethin' fierce, barkin' an growlin' and carrying on, till one a them dogs popped right outta the pack inta the buildin'.
Now in a bar-b-que place, they have lots a stuff, but the thing they have the most of is meat. Lots a meat. Chickens and cow meat mostly, but some sausages too. That dog, he'd been standin' in that doorway, smellin' that meat for a while now, and now he was aimin' ta get him some. He hit the floor runnin' and made a bee-line fer the kitchen, knockin' over tables as he went.
Them tables all had cute little lanterns on 'em, fer light I guess, and they was all filled with kerosene. They was made a glass too fer some reason and when they hit the floor, most'a them broke. So now the place was on fire inside, the fire department was stuck outside with the other five dogs in the doorway. Customers started in ta panicing, jumping out the windows, and running fer their cars. I was jest wonderin' if I should go 'round back and drag Lulu-Bell out by the kitchen when she showed up. She'd climbed out a window too and headed fer the truck. She was furious, cause the firemen still hadn't got her dogs loose and stood there tellin' anyone what would listen jest what she thought a the fire department.
Well suddenly the buildin' exploded inta flames. That dog what got loose had got inta the kitchen, cause that's where the meat was, and dun somethin. In most bar-b-que places there's a pit, which is what they cook the meat on, and this one had a good'en. That dog come flyin' out a window, coat flamin, and took off down the street, lookin' fer water.
Well not too far down the street was the pool hall and durned if that dog didn't jest jump through a window inta the place. Course there ain't no water in a pool-hall, all they sells is beer. And beer bottles break real easy when run into by a three hunderd pound flamin' dog. And then they catch on fire too, least ways what was in 'em does. And they did. Didn't take many minutes a for the whole pool hall was on fire. Customers come pourin' out and roarin' off right quick.
Now the fire department was in a pickle, cause they only had one truck, but now they had two buildin's on fire. They give up on the dogs and started tryin' ta put out the fires, not bein' real effective on neither. 'Bout that time, the rest'a the dogs got loose cause the bar-b-que place was cookin' good and the door frame come apart. 'Course that set the rest'a the dogs on fire and they scattered, yelpin' and howlin' and turnin' into little ground-huggin' fireballs. They was all lookin' fer water, but bein' dogs, they was all jest runnin' 'round makin' it worse.
Didn't take long fer them dogs ta set several more places on fire, but by then Lulu-Bell and I was back in her truck, headed out for parts unknown. She figured it wouldn't be healthy ta be seen in the town fer a while, and I didn't have much choice, since she was driv'n. We headed outta town fer her cabin up in the mountains and stayed there a spell, till things blowed over.
Most a the houses didn't catch fire, and they're talkin' 'bout rebuildin' but right now, there ain't nothin' ta do here 'cept sit around so I'm bored. Ain't bored enuff where I'm ready ta see Lulu-Bell any time soon though, so I gotta git. I kin hear her truck a coming up the road now.
(Written for the Texas Tall Tales group on writerscafe.org)
The Wholly Book of Doo-Doo-Rot-on-Me is adult satirical humor featuring adult language and adult content, and the work is a parody of the Old Testament Book of Deuteronomy.
