Today sucks, its raining cats and dogs. Its Sunday and my family and I are under an umbrella zigzagging through the parking lot of Little Miami First Baptist Church trying to avoid puddles of water and oil. The sun is probably only shining cause it has to. Just like me it probably wants to go right back home and sleep. We shiver and shake ourselves dry like dogs the minute we got in the door. You can prayers coming from the people on the other side of the big double door so it’s pretty obvious that we’re late. As soon as it ends the tall guy with big hands opens the door and greets us with his best Sunday smile. My Dad speaks for us all by saying hello and good morning in a kinda bashful way; probably because we are late. The tall guy responds with an “it’s ok and at least you made it.” Just after we all passed he asked my Dad, “Are you guys ready for today?” My Dad responds smooth and quickly with a, “Yes sir, we been looking forward to it all week” Looking forward to what I wonder, nobody ever tells me shit. I can’t stand that about being twelve, I’m old enough to know better but not old enough to know about anything else. For some reason we are walking to the front rows of the church and everybody’s voice seems a little bit louder. We sit down and try to blend in with rest of the people just ignoring their dirty looks and responding to fake hellos. This will never be the place for me. My older brother Floyd nudges me with his big elbow to get my attention and says, “Are you ready for today?” “What are they talking about?” In a smartass voice he replies, “You really don’t know, huh? They been talkin bout it all week boy. Where you been?” “Com’on man, just tell me what’s goin on.” “You bout to get baptized in the name of the Lourd!” “Stop playin man. We ain’t even been here that long.” “That don’t mean nothing. Everybody’s supposed to get saved.” “Naw, I’m alright just the way I am.” “Well ya gon get saved today. Just wait and see.” The pastor’s name was John he was loud, skinny and often spit when he preached. He wore a red robe and walked around on stage with two other guys always dressed in black or blue suits. Something was different about today, Pastor John was preaching the same way he usually does but it felt more personal this tme. Whenever he says something about temptation and doin what you ain’t got no business doin’ he looks at me. Starin at me like I’m a steak dinner on today’s menu. All these people here are crazy, don’t nobody need to be saved especially if you young. I got all my life to repent. In a loud hoarse voice Pastor John yells, “Stand up if you are willing to be strong and faithful in the lord. Stand up if you want change in your life. Stand up if you ready for the doors of heaven to open up. Get up here and claim your prize.” My parents shot up there like rockets while my brother and I trail behind like smoke. I guess this is it. After changing my clothes I saw some other family, my parents and brother gettin baptized in the name of the lord. Everybody’s lookin at me now. My stomach bubbles as I start feelin antsy. I need a way out of this. Its not what I want. All of a sudden my Dad yells out, “Come on boy! Watcha waitin on?” Pastor John in a calm voice says,”It’s ok Brian; this is the best decision you will ever make.” As soon as I begin to step back my dad and the tall guy grab me and put me in the water. So I start begging, kicking and screaming like I’m being attacked by wolves. These two men are holding me down while Pastor John is reading from a bible. His hand touches my head so I slap it down and begin hitting him. “Stop! Stop! I don’t wanna! I don’t wanna! I don’t wanna! Please daddy let me go! Momma! Momma! Momma! Help me!” In a loud and frustrated voice he exclaims, “He is not ready and we must not force him into this, let him go.” “Ahh huh, ahh huh, ahh huh, ahh huh, I wanna go home. Please can we go home? Just lemme go home. Ahhhhhh.” “Brian! Calm down, ok! We are going home, alright? Lil come over here and get him.” My mother holds me tight saying that its ok and that we are going to go home. “Calm down Brian, everything is alright. Floyd, come take your brother to the car and stay outside with him.” “Yes ma’am. Hey man you alright? People in the church really worried about you now. Shoot man, you was lookin like you had the devil in you.” “So. I never even wanted to get baptized anyway. I hate this fuckin place.” “Man stop cussin so much! You ain’t grown so don’t be tryin to act like it!” “Just leave me alone. I don’t wanna talk no mo.” “That’s alright cuz you already know you in trouble. Momma and daddy was only bein nice to you because they was in the church house with all them people watchin.” I don’t know what I just did but I know I’m gonna pay for it. He’s right they probably gonna whip my ass when we get home. Damn Brian. Oh man here they come. My brother makes a low pitch,”Dum dum dum dum.” The doors open and shut simultaneously “Clmph!” “I’m sorry yall I just really didn’t wanna be baptized.” Their silence starts a fear in me that touches me in places I’ve never felt. My mother or father don’t say nothing to me. They only give me looks of resentment and shamefulness. I can’t believe that I’m feeling bad for not doin something that I really didn’t want to do. Even though I was crying and screaming I could still hear the people in the church condemning me to hell. I’m sorry for making my parents mad at me, but I will never be sorry for what I did. The silence breaks and my mother says with a tired voice, “Brian we are not mad at you, it was our job to make sure that this was what you wanted.” “What!” Screams my brother. “If I had done that at his age yall would’ve-“ “Shut up boy!” “But Daddy I’m just sayin that-“ “Floyd, be quiet! You don’t know the circumstances.” “I know he disobeyed yall and got away with it . . .” Mumbles Floyd. My brother’s mumbling in the back seat is faint, but I know they can hear it. I believe he wants them to explain why it seems like I’m not going to get my ass beat when we get home. In all honesty he is right, I remember him getting whipped for doing the same things that I eventually did but didn’t get punished for when I did them. Even I don’t understand why their not upset with me, but I ain’t gonna question it. I’m just glad to hear them talk to me. That little experience with the church changed my whole life. Because of it I have a greater respect for the minds of children. Their intuition and sensory perception is far greater than that of the broken in adult. I have made it my goal to make sure that my reality never becomes so concrete that I can’t change it. In my mind man is god and the stories of Jesus and his father are about as real as Hercules and Zeus. I detest all beliefs surrounding the cross, a messiah and his virgin mother. These Hebrew tales are used by crooks and tyrants to exploit the energy of the masses. I think of the bible to be the most racist, sexist piece of literature ever rewritten. It is for the ignorant and weak minded of the planet. I am blessed by the universe to have been able to realize that at such an early age and not get sucked in. There is no heaven or hell outside of being on Earth. Death and life to me are only sounds that depict a believed state of mind. Neither you nor science can prove my existence. So I will not live or die I will just simply be, in all my glory.