A curious problem in interpersonal relations has to do with the process of expecting. Somewhere in our brain there is a “thermometer” that measures and reacts to the degree to which our expectations of others are met or unmet. Expectations that are met lead to positive reactions such as satisfaction, happiness and cooperation; expectations that go unmet lead to negative reactions such as dissatisfaction, frustration, resistance and even anger.

     The process of expecting goes on continuously and automatically.  Parents expect their children to obey legitimate directions; children expect their parents to be consistent in walking their own talk. Customers expect quality products and service from businesses; businesses expect to be paid for these products and services. Married couples expect to be loved in return for giving their love. Teachers expect students to want to learn; students expect teachers to help them learn. Employers expect a certain performance from employees; employees expect to know what that performance is and what they will get in return for meeting it.

     A big part of our struggle in life is to learn how to get along with other people; and our expectations have a lot to do with our success. Mostly from trial and error, we gradually learn what to do and what not to do to be happy and successful in life. That knowledge and experience then becomes an unconscious thermometer which leads us to expect that when we do the “right” things we will be rewarded and when we do the “wrong” things we will go unrewarded or worse yet, punished. When we do the right things with other people, we expect them to do the right things in return—without disagreement, resistance or misunderstanding.

    Herein lies the core problem to human relations:  We all develop different expectations differently, on a different time schedule; and the chance of expectations being mutually met is not a safe bet. Hence all the turmoil, conflict, frustration, overload, unhappiness and chaos going on today between people.

     The process of developing expectations is a complex one. Expectations are formed from parents and upbringing, peer influences, and an accumulation of personal experiences. They are also formed by unique thinking and information processing styles, emotional traumas, inaccurate or incomplete judgments, un-validated beliefs, biased perceptions, and even the results they get.

     Positive human relations involve negotiating and meeting mutual expectations. Here are a few solutions to consider: