• Some people’s faces are relaxed, friendly and likeable and others are tense, hostile and unlikeable; there is nothing in between. And this has absolutely nothing to do with degree of good looks. Your face shows your approach to life.


• Some people carry on positive enabling conversations and want to listen and find out more about you and some just want to complain and find fault with what you are saying. It is easy to know who you enjoy talking with and who you want to avoid.

     Positive Psychologist Martin Seligman studied the phenomenon he called optimist vs. pessimism extensively. In fact he followed several groups of people he judged as being either optimistic/positive or pessimistic/negative for forty years. He found some very distinct differences in the outcomes of the two group’s lives. Guess what they were? Optimists lived longer, made more money, had happier marriages, had fewer physical illnesses and reported more happiness and contentment in life. That should be plenty of incentive in choosing which side of the equation you want to be on. But how do you do it? Easier said then done? Partly yes and partly no.

     Success prescriptions in life have always been plentiful from the very beginning.  There are well-stocked libraries of articles and books and an over-abundance of audio tapes, videos, talk shows and self-development workshops offering valuable success secrets. But as usual, some are too simple and others too complex.  Here is a legitimate shortcut in between to give serious consideration to:

1. Look into the mirror and rate your face as being either relaxed or tense. Forget your God-given beauty or handsomeness, as the relaxed or tense judgment has nothing to do with good looks. It is your total expression inside and out that shows with your whole face. Are you basically relaxed or tense? Which way are your lips pointed? Do your eyes look alive or asleep?  Do you appear likeable or unlikeable? Are you at peace and contented or torn with conflict and unrest. Do you show hope or dread? Do you like you?


2. Carry a tape recorder around with you for a whole day. Listen to the general way you talk. Is it friendly and positive? Do you mostly talk or listen or do both? How do you respond to another person’s negativity?  Do you say things you are proud of or use words you regret? Is the general nature of your conversation productive and enabling or dserstructiver and disabling. Would you like to talk with you?

     What is the verdict? Do you have a relaxed face and use positive words or the opposite? According to sound research, the simple truth is that if your face is perceived as relaxed and likeable and your words are positive and enabling, you will be much more successful than if your face is perceived as tense and unlikeable and your words are negative and disabling. Think about what both of these opposite experiences with others make you think and feel. Regrdless of what you may think of yourself or how you are being perceived, you probably still prefer another person with a relaxed face and positive words.

     Given these facts, there is no reason to be on the wrong side of this equation. But more than half the world is on the wrong side, because real success—a really relaxed face and especially effectively enabling words—only occurs in one out of 19 of us. So let’s get down to the nuts and bolts of this situation. We will all keep doing something until the failure becomes obvious and painful enough to do something different. The key to undoing facial tension and disabling words is to: (a) see and hear them for what they are (b) become uncomfortable enough to change (c) figure out why you need to continue them and let go of those reasons, and (d) practice facial relaxation and positive conversation.

     Now go to the mirror and consciously relax your whole face and smile a genuine, sincere simile of peace and contentment. After enjoying your relaxed face, say something positive and enabling to yourself for appearing the way successful people do. Right now you are being successful so enjoy it. This might be a photo opportunity to save and remind yourself you can do it now when you might not feel like it later.

    If you can’t do this, something is holding you back. Either you don’t believe success could be this easy, or you don’t believe you deserve it. Guess what?  If you can’t do this, it is proof that it isn’t easy.   If you think you don’t deserve to be successful, it is only because you aren’t trying hard enough. Either way, it is only you refusing to accept the truth you already know to be so.

     Of what good purpose would it be for you to allow your face to remain tense and your mouth unable to speak positive words?  When you realize this nonsense, you will begin to notice a slight smile and maybe utter some positive words and you will be suddenly leaning on the right side of the equation. And there is nothing like momentum!

    We are only half the way to real success, which is moving from surviving to thriving. It is easy to show a relaxed face and speak positive words when things are going well. It’s like enjoying hot pie alamode when you’re famished! But lose your job for unfair reasons, find out your spouse has cheated on you, get disabled from an accident that is not your fault, go through a devastating natural disaster that strips you of everything, or be forced to declare bankruptcy because of the economy wipes out your investments, and then see which direction your mouth and words want to go?

     The real test is not which side of the equation you choose to be on, but whether you can remain on the right one even when things go wrong. If you can smile and speak positive words when there isn’t much to smile or be positive about, then you have passed the test that every successful person must pass. Those who know this are amazed and humbled; those who don’t are neither, yet. 

    Choosing to relax your face and watch your words is easy; but doing it when it counts most is where the rubber really meats the road. But whoever said success was easy?  Having a relaxed face and watching your words now will get you to the door in calm weather, but it will take more than just a casual commitment to get through it when the storm prevails.   If you practice and make a conscious effort when times are difficult, you’ll find there is power in all things positive. 

     When you feel your lowest is when you need something positive in your life.  The beauty of making these small changes in your life is that the positive things you need will come from within rather than from others.  Pick yourself up, put on a nice outfit and your biggest smile.  Go to the mirror and say something nice to yourself.  Go ahead.  Just do it.  Walk out the door with your head held high, shoulders back and a smile on your face, open your mouth and let the positive comments flow and you’ll be surprised at all the good things that come your way. The more you practice this approach during “normal” times, the more ability you will have to thrive through times that aren’t so fine.