I overheard a somewhat disturbing conversation this morning while trying to eat breakfast at my favorite Sunday morning “greasy spoon” restaurant. The conversation involved some advice being given, from a friend, boyfriend to-be, or marriage counselor (I couldn’t discern which), to a lady who was having marital troubles. I certainly hope it wasn’t a marriage counselor, because all I heard was what the lady should or shouldn’t take from the husband in the relationship and the advice didn’t address the one thing she probably needed to do most.

     Failing relationships can involve many noisy, annoying symptoms from financial stress to suspected infidelity to waning compatibility. Or they can come about by being too quick and superficial in the selection process. At any rate, it is easier to get annoyed and complain about these noisy symptoms than do anything about the one core problem that causes all relationship problems—the mega problem behind to biggest relationship problem we have today—poor communication. But the real culprit that drives the poor communication that spoils relationships is actually lack of understanding. What is needed in many failing relationships is some smart decoding to unlock mountain-top understanding.

     A general criticism of most of us is that we settle for superficial understanding of things. That is because our brains want quick certainty and will settle for artificial, incomplete truth for the sake of closure. Take the usual level of understanding of something that is communicated to us for example. How often do we go past the words, trying to understand how the other person was using them and what he or she intended them to mean. We often just listen to a conversation in order to respond, rather than to really understand, which not an easy thing to do.

    Perhaps the one mistake that is responsible for the lion’s share of failure of marriage and relationship counseling, is in not taking enough time to understand the nature and purpose of the relationship, any more than the people who are in it are (not) doing. Most counselors who work in the area of relationships, have had enough success themselves to know what seems to enable successful relationships and what destroys them, well enough to give sound advice. But why doesn’t this sound “telling” advice seem to work in most cases? Simply because the real core problem is not being addressed, just its symptoms. The real job of counselors is to teach people how to understand core problems, not to offer quick fixes to symptoms. The only way this can be done is to demonstrate the level of understanding that is needed, firsthand

     Life is one huge story to read and understand. There are many “tests” in life but a relationship is the one ultimate essay examination to see if you can apply everything you’ve learned in life. In a sense relationships are a test of your character, to see how creative you can be in resolving seemingly perpetual conflict. And a relationship can never survive without both people’s accurate and complete understanding of each other, or at least a very strong commitment in that direction. What needs to be understood?

1.      Every relationship has a unique purpose for us—to teach us something we need to learn to get to our next stage of development and increase our level of awareness. Finding this purpose is not easy because there are too many alluring, tempting distractions getting in the way. And then too, how many people understand the importance of this reality, any more than contemplating their purpose in life. There are always too many other more important things to do and such basic knowledge is often so close to us that it is difficult to see, let alone understand. Sometimes it is the skin we are wearing. But purpose always needs to be decoded for success in anything.

2.      People need to feel understood—truly understood—and that takes considerable unselfish time and effort to accomplish. And sometimes enough desire is not there, which is really sad. We all have probably reversed the right order in seeking to be understood ourselves first, before we are willing to try and understand the other person. But that really never gets us anywhere, especially when we are trying to build a team. The result is, “I’ll take the time to try and understand you when you do it first.” By then there are two strikes and two outs in the bottom of the ninth inning. Maybe too late.

3.      Certain conditions create problem behavior—and it is these conditions that need to be understood rather than the person’s motivation and behavior. People are not inherently bad, mean, cruel, detached or otherwise unhealthy. Certain conditions work together to incubate such difficult behavior, and these conditions are even more difficult to understand.  Oddly though, we readily blame such external faults for our own shortcomings, but are not willing to extend that courtesy to others. When we learn to, we get a whole new perspective about the person.

     So what can people do in the meantime, who are in the middle of a failing relationship or who are trying to help a friend or client through such an ordeal? The simple answer is to encourage both people in a failing relationship to stop doing everything else and shift their energies and focus to understanding three areas of their relationship by asking and answering these critical questions:

1. What am I failing to learn from this relationship?


2. What can I do to understand the other person better?


3. What are the conditions that are creating the problem behavior we are both involved in?

     Understanding the real problem apart from its symptoms is a tried and true problem-solving strategy. This is because understanding any problem is three-quarters of its solution. Fixing symptoms in a failing relationship isn’t the help that is needed because that approach doesn’t work. The only thing that does work is to take the time and make the commitment to truly understand the other person. That process always starts with understanding the difference between what you think you want to get out of the relationship and what the relationship can teach you; the same goes for the counselor or friend trying to help.

     Of course, the bottom line to all this is that understanding leads to acceptance of what needs to be accepted and that level of acceptance leads to success. Sometimes we make this simple equation too complicated. The book of life may be easier to read than we want to imagine; but maybe that is because we don’t want to know the ending too soon.