THE TROUBLE WITH RELATIONSHIPS

By Bill Cottringer

     The trouble with relationships is that the deck is stacked against having good ones. It is no wonder so few people have what we all really want—to love and be loved enough to be our best selves and have authentic happiness, genuine success and real peace. This can generally only happen in deeply loving relationships that can grow from surviving to thriving against all odds. Failed relationships that don’t even survive just stack the deck further.

     Why are relationships so difficult these days? Put all the noisy, obvious reasons aside; It is really because we have allowed ourselves to think we could manufacture love by getting what we want and need from another person and then live happily ever after. Needless to say, we have not been very successful at living happily ever after. Less than one out of twenty relationships ever achieves the level of love and meaning that can lead to and honor such a lifetime commitment.

     Why is this so? Being human beings, we will eventually find plenty of things we don’t want or need from the other person. Then we waste time complaining and trying to arrange a complete make-over of our flawed partner who is probably doing the same thing to us, knowingly or unknowingly, and overtly or covertly. Things quickly go down hill from here and eventually we conclude the only viable option is to quit and try to be more discerning in the selection process the next time. This turns out to be logical but erroneous thinking, which stacks the deck further.  

     So, what is the answer to this bleak, catch-22 vicious circle situation?  We need a fairer deck of cards! Here are a few clues in the way of “love rules” that are guaranteed to improve the quality of a relationship you can experience:

1. Love is the biggest mystery in life. You are not meant to understand or be able to control it, just to accept and live it. It is the greatest gift from our creator that too many of us ignore or abuse most. Don’t be that person. This is the most difficult lesson in life that must eventually be learned for you to move from a life of minimal surviving to blissful thriving. Sometimes this can take a lifetime (but the eventual rewards are worth it!)


2. We all have certain wants and needs with another person, but we will never realize them until we give in and let go to love’s power—to take the noun  to an action verb, which is loving another person unconditionally, without limitations or expectations. Again, this runs contrary to human nature, but love can move mountains, but only if you have complete faith in love’s goodness.


3. We are all a long way from being our best selves, especially with our willingness and ability to learn, grow and improve and to love unconditionally. And we are all aware of our many faults and insecurities that fill the gap between who we are (real self) and who we want to be (ideal self). But expressing our own insecurities or being attacked for them by others just makes them worse. Acceptance is the only answer here; but you can’t do that until you finally just do.


4. You will never let a potentially good relationship grow into a great one, until you live love, by speaking its two voices in the right order, frequency and volume. First and many times afterwards comes complete unconditional love and acceptance of another; then comes the gentle, silent encouragement and help for the other person to grow and improve naturally and gracefully.


5. Now here’s the bottom line to all this: You can’t get anywhere in life or love by worrying about someone else and what they are or aren’t doing. You only get poised to receive the deep level of love that is necessary to start a relationship in the right direction, when you focus on yourself and do the best you can with what you have to be the best person you can be in loving and being loved.